


Forgotten

by nic73



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-04 21:12:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 67,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1793371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nic73/pseuds/nic73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane forgets and Lisbon helps him remember Written for the Paint it Red monthly challenge 'The time you have lost'</p><p>Back with this story. I'm adding oneshots that dip in and out of their lives to see how recovery, and their relationship is going.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

She enters the hospital room and plants a cheery smile on her face hiding the pain she feels at the blank look she receives from her husband. It's the same blank look she's been receiving the past two weeks since he was shot in the head. She keeps telling herself at least he's alive. The fact that he can't remember her or any of their life together, that the only wife he remembers is Angela and the only child he remembers is Charlotte. He doesn't even have any memory of Red John is something she can deal with., that they can get through.

The one thing she's thankful for is that unlike when he was in a fugue state he's not reverted back to his con man persona. But he's not her husband either. His face is dull or filled with confusion as he struggles to understand what's happened. The wife and child he remembers is dead and the one in front of him he can't remember or feel any connection too. She's told him about their three-year old son and eighteen moth old daughter but she hasn't brought them in to see him yet. The doctors feel that it would be too hard for him and the children. She has in her hands the next best thing, a laptop and a memory stick filled with videos of their family.

As she moves towards him he remembers he's suppose to be trying and he smiles at her, it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Hi"

"Hi, how're you feeling?"

"I'm doing okay, my headache isn't as bad today."

"That's good."

She leans over and they share a kiss on the lips. She kisses him, one, because she misses his kisses and two, she hopes that maybe something will jog his memory. The feel of her lips on his, the smell of her perfume, anything.

"I've brought something that might help."

She doesn't have to explain help what. He looks at her, this woman who's apparently his wife. She looks completely different to Angela. Angela is…was tall, graceful, she worshipped him. The woman before him is short and moves with purpose, although she hasn't said, he guesses she's in law enforcement, use to being the boss. Totally not the type of person he would fall in love with. Patrick Jane married to a cop is laughable. She's pretty though and there's something about her eyes, an endearing intensity. It's obvious she's in love with him and despite the awkwardness of the situation he can tell she's comfortable with him and that there's an intimacy in her relationship with him. And they have children. How can he not know he has children, surely he would feel a loss inside himself. But why would she lie? And others say it to, more people he doesn't know, doesn't remember, more cops.

She opens the laptop, he watches as she puts a stick into the side and presses some keys. When it seems it's ready she looks at him. She's uncomfortable, nervous about what she's about to say.

"I've brought some videos of us. me, you and the children. They're of our wedding and as the children were born and have grown. Family outings, birthdays, Christmas, and just family time."

She looks at him to gauge what he's thinking but his face shows nothing. She carries on.

"I…I…thought that watching them would prove to you that I've been telling the truth and, hopefully, they may jog your memory, spark something."

She doesn't add:

"And bring you back to us, to me."

He slowly blinks at her.

"Okay."

She smiles and places the laptop on his knees and explains to him what he needs to do.

"I'm leaving you to watch alone, I think it will be easier for you that way, you won't feel under pressure."

But doesn't add:

"And I won't have to watch them mean nothing to you."

She smiles, picks up her bag, kisses him once more and leaves, she stops at the door and turns to look at him. He smiles, he hopes, reassuringly at her and then she's gone.

He stares at the laptop for ten minutes the clock in the bottom corner tells him, before he moves his fingers and presses play on the one entitled 'wedding'

He pushes play on the one marked 'Maddy's first birthday. It's the thirteenth video he's watched. The same girl with the blonde curls fills the screen, she's sitting on his lap, bouncing up and down, clapping her hands. Austin, a little boy with brown straight hair and a captivating smile comes in to view with a parcel wrapped in birthday paper and he hands it to Maddy, She grabs it clumsily in her hands and turns it over and over. She starts banging it on his knee while his wife, behind the camera, encourages her to open it. Austin has been patient long enough and decides to help things along. He can't help but smile as the boy starts to unwrap the present while in his sister's hand. Maddy watches fascinated and tries to grab the paper as Austin pulls it off.

He stops the video and leans back in to his pillows. He has a lovely family. The love they share is obvious. They enjoy their time together, his children are adorable and he loves them deeply. His wife is the center of the family, she's a wonderful mother. She's the most important person in his life and he loves her more that life its self. All this is obvious from the videos and he knows he's a very lucky man, if only he could remember. He moves the laptop off his knees to the side of his bed and wipes the tears from his cheek, he can take no more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a few requests I'm carry this story on. I think it will be quite a challenge.

Jane's standing by the window of his hospital room looking out at the city below but not seeing anything. His bag's packed and laying on the bed. He's wearing clothes his wife brought from home, grey chinos and a patterned button down shirt. There's a deep furrow present on his brow as he wonders what life will bring outside the safety of these four walls. The doctor says he's ready to go home, they have no reason to keep him in hospital any longer. He has an appointment card in his bag to see a psychiatrist as they work to regain the memories lost. Looking straight down he can see the parking lot, he's on the tenth floor so everything is small but somewhere down there his wife will be parking the car before coming up to take him home to a place he doesn't know and people he doesn't remember.

That's not exactly true, he does know his home. He's watched the videos, many times and used them to memorize the layout of his house and it's look and contents, so when he enters it will have a familiarity about it.

His children have visited a few times after he'd watched the videos. He'd taken note of how he reacted with them and they with him, so that he could replicate it and not scare them. It helped, he was ready when Austin raced to the bed, after his wife let go of his hand, clambered up and threw himself at him, wrapping his arms around his neck. He'd hugged him back tightly and told him that in another few years he would be as strong as his mother. His wife had choked back a sob at watching the familiar ritual, he should've told her what he'd been doing, but he never thought.

He'd watched the faint light of hope go out of her eyes when he did, when they were next alone. She'd nodded her head in understanding and told him it was a good idea and then excused herself, that she needed to use the bathroom. He wondered how many other tears she's shed because of him.

The door opens behind him and he turns around, his wife enters, she's nervous. She smiles at him.

"Are you ready?"

He looks around the room although he knows he has everything, although he knows that's not what she means. He shrugs.

"It looks like it"

She nods her head and gathers up his things. A nurse comes in with a wheelchair.

"You get to leave in style Patrick."

She looks at the both of them and smiles reassuringly.

"Good luck, I'm sure it'll all work out."

She lays her hand on his wife's arm and gives it a squeeze. He sits in the chair and he holds out his hands for the bag. He takes one last look at the room as he's wheeled out and he's aware of a knot of panic forming in his stomach.

She looks over at her husband and her heart aches at the familiar sight. His head leaning against the window, his eyes closed. His steady breathing tells her that he's asleep. She guesses he didn't sleep well last night, she knows she didn't.

After putting the children to bed she's surprised by the doorbell. She's even more surprised to open it and find Cho standing on the doorstep. She made coffee and they settled in the living room. She looked at him expectantly, He cleared his throat.

"Is Jane leaving the hospital tomorrow?"

"Yes I'm picking him up at noon. He has an appointment with his psychiatrist at ten."

"You're not going?"

She shook her head and tightened her hold on her cup, she knew Cho noticed.

"No, he requested that I didn't, he said that he needed to talk to the doctor alone. I think he finds my presence hard, he's afraid of hurting me."

"Does the doctor think his memories will return?"

She stared down at her cup for a moment, afraid to answer, but then she realised she wanted to talk, she was tired of handling this alone, of keeping her fears to herself.

"The chances are not good."

She looked at her long time colleague who she now counted as a friend.

"I don't know what I'll do if I lose him."

"All those years together I saw you as brother and sister, I never imagined the two of you together and now I can't imagine the two of you apart. I've never met two people whose love is as deep and strong as the love you share, it maybe lost right now but you'll find it again, even if he never regains those memories."

"That love Cho, was forged through twelve years of experiences that he can't remember. Without Red John and how it forced us to rely on each other, to trust each other, would things have turned out the same?"

"You may not have Red John but you have another battle, one that's more important and one that only the two of you can fight. He needs you as much now as he did then and you'll be as strong and as loyal as you were then, and don't forget to kick his butt when he needs it, he appreciates that too."

She couldn't hold back a laugh. Cho smiled.

"That's good to hear. He'll learn to love you again and you know he'll play at being a wonderful father, until he doesn't have to play anymore."

Cho swallowed the last of his drink and stood up.

"I have an early start in the morning, will you be all right?"

She stood also and nodded her head.

"Thanks Kimball…thanks for being a good friend."

"I believe in the two of you… you guys made me a believer. Just hang in there, and call if you need me."

A strong feeling of gratitude and love engulfed her, bringing tears to her eyes, she kissed him on his cheek and leant against him. He wrapped his arms around her, and she enjoyed the feeling of not being alone for just a few moments more. She pulled away and looked at him.

"Thank you."

A smile twitched at the corners of his mouth.

"You're welcome."

She opened the door and watched him get into his car and waved as he pulled away. She closed the door and leant with her back against it.

"I hope you're right old friend and I promise I'll fight this battle with everything I've got."

She went into the kitchen, the surprise 'Welcome home Daddy' cake, that shows all the hallmarks of a four-year olds decorating skills, is laying on the counter. She put it carefully into an airtight container, then switched off the light and went to bed.

He wakes up as she pulls to a stop in the drive. The front door's flung open and an excited son comes barreling out the door. She looks over at her husband and he has his arms out to welcome him, a beaming smile on his face. Picking him up he plants a kiss on his head. Cho's right, he'll play the part very well.


	3. Chapter 3

She takes Austin off her husband.

"Daddy's not very well remember. Let him get into the house and sit down."

He nods her thanks and follows everyone towards the house. He takes it slow, looking carefully at the place that's his home, hoping that something will stir but there's nothing. It's a nice house though. They look after the garden, he wonders is it him? Or do they do it together. He's pleased to see the paintwork's clean and obviously recently painted, he doesn't like to see houses neglected. The colours a strange choice, he loved the whiteness of his home in Malibu. He loved the way it shined in the sunlight, he can't believe he agreed to a green trim. He grudgingly admits it doesn't look too bad, just not his taste.

He's brought out of his musing by her voice.

"Are you all right Patrick?"

Everyone's in the doorway looking at him.

"I'm fine. Just trying to remember."

A flicker of hope crosses her face.

"Do you need more time?"

He feels a twinge of regret that he's going to disappoint her, but there's nothing to be gained by lying to her. He shakes his head.

"No, nothing's familiar."

Her shoulder's slump a fraction, that he's sure only he caught, as she puts on a brave face.

"That's okay, it'll take time."

He sits down on the couch grudgingly recognizes that he's already feeling tired. His wife is in the kitchen making him a cup of tea, she took Maddy in with her, Austin is running towards him with a book. He recognises it as one he read as a child. He must have sought it out himself, it couldn't be a coincidence – there's no such thing. He only remembers two books as a child and this one was in pieces by the time he out grew it. He remembers the pang of regret he felt when he put it in the trash even though he hadn't read it for years.

He smiles at Austin, how can he not, his enthusiasm in endearing.

"Can we read this Daddy?"

He nods and lifts him up on to his lap. The boy snuggles in to him causing a pain so deep he almost cries out. Charlotte! The pain of losing her still raw. Apparently it's been many years, but for him it was only two weeks ago. His lovely Angela too. Austin interrupts his thoughts as he tires of waiting.

"C'mon Daddy."

He looks down at this child that's his. His innocent eyes staring up at him filled with concern. He smiles at him and starts to read.

He's aware that his wife has entered with his tea, she's standing in the doorway, he can feel the emotions coming off her. When he's finished reading she walks towards him, talking to Austin.

"Let Daddy have his drink now."

"All right mommy."

Austin slides off his lap. He turns to take the book off him. His wife speaks softly.

"He has to give you a kiss to get the book, it's a game you play with him."

He nods his thanks and leans forward and Austin climbs back up and kisses him on the cheek. He puts his arms around his neck and whispers in his ear

"I'm glad you're home Daddy."

He doesn't know what else to do but whisper back.

"So am I."

Austin lets go and jumps down, he takes the book and settles in a chair and opens it to read to himself. His wife hands him his tea and sits down beside him with a can of coke in her hand.

"Maddy's asleep. How are you doing?"

"I feel tired."

She nods her head.

"The doctor said that you would tire easily as you're still recovering and then the added strain of your amnesia. Feel free to sleep, this is your home. I've made the bed up in the spare room and put some of your clothes in the closet. I thought you might feel more comfortable in there."

He looks gratefully at her.

"Thank you but won't the children think it's strange that we're not sleeping together?"

"I already explained to Austin that it's necessary until you're feeling better – Doctor's orders. That was enough."

He looks at his wife, the pain she's experiencing evident in her eyes.

"I'm sorry about all this. I..I..I wish I could remember."

He sees tears prick her eyes, she blinks to hold them back. Instinctively she places her hand on his thigh and then quickly moves it.

"You've nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault. You're alive and you're here. We'll get through this other stuff somehow."

"Teresa?"

It sounds strange on his lips. It's the first time he's said it and it startles her.

"Yes"

He holds up his cup.

"It seems I taught you how to make a good cup of tea, this is outstanding."

"You refused to set a date until I'd mastered the skill."

"And yet you married me anyway."

"Yes everyone thought I was nuts."

They smile at each other.

"I'm glad you're home too Patrick. You can sleep in your room or lay down on the couch"

She gets up and turns to Austin.

"Let's get you some lunch."

He decides to sleep in his room. He swallows down his tea and takes his cup in to the kitchen. His wife's nowhere to be seen but Austin's sat at the table with a sandwich and slices of apple on his plate. He looks up as Patrick enters.

"Do you want some Daddy?"

"No thank you, Daddy's tired, I'm going to lie down."

"Because you hurt your head and been in the hospital?"

He nods.

"Yes that's right."

"Sleep tight Daddy."

"Thank you."

He runs the cup under some water and places it in the sink. His wife hasn't appeared.

"Where's mommy."

"She doing laundry."

"Okay tell her I went to bed."

"Do you want some lunch first?"

He turns around to where her voice is coming from.

"I'm too tired to eat, when I wake up."

"Okay. Your room is the third door on the left."

"Thanks."

He opens the door to his room. It's bright and airy in blues and yellows. There's king size bed up in the middle of the wall opposite to where he stands. There are bedside tables either side, plush drawers in a matching light pine. The drawers are on the wall to his left and next to them is a built in closet. He moves towards it and opens the doors.

He looks at the clothes hanging and there's nothing that reminds him of himself. No crisp white shirts and expensive suits, not even any ties. The shirts are more casual, softer, mainly white with prints on them. His suits are cut differently and though still of a good make, not the top of the line like he usually wears. They have a slightly rumpled look to them. He smiles to himself when he sees that he still has his initials put on his shirts, he fingers the familiarity. On the right of the bed is an easy chair, it looks comfy. He sits down in it and looks around the room. He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply. As he breathes out, tears form under his lashes, his heart solidifies with grief, his girls are gone.

During lunch Austin's eyes start to droop. The excitement of having his Daddy home had caused him to wake up early that morning and to expand a lot of energy. Teresa picks him up, he lays his head against her shoulder, she can feel his breath on her neck. As she starts down the hall he turns his head so that he's speaking in her ear.

"Can I sleep with Daddy?"

"Not today honey, maybe later."

He seems to accept this and she continues to his room and juggles with him and pulling the cover back. She lays him gently on the bed and pulls the cover up over him. She bends to give him a kiss.

"Daddy's different."

Dread fills her as she stops and looks at her son. He not only has his father's devastating smile but also shows signs of his great perceptiveness so she isn't surprised that Austin hasn't been fooled.

"Why do you say that?"

"His eyes are different."

"In what way."

Her son shrugs unable to articulate what he instinctively sees.

"I don't know, they just are."

She sits down beside him and strokes his hair.

"He's going through a hard time right now because of his injury, he might be different for a while, so we need to show him how much we love him, even when he's different.

Austin opens his arms as wide as he can stretch them.

"I love him this much."

Teresa smiles at him.

"I know you do and mommy does too. Now you have a good nap."

She gives him a kiss and strokes his cheek until he's asleep. She closes the door quietly behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

Patrick wakes up still in the chair. He can hear muffled noises coming from somewhere in the house. There's a knock on the door. He stands up quickly, not wanting Teresa to know where he was sleeping. He lies on the bed.

"Come in."

Teresa pops her head through the door.

"Sorry to disturb you, but…."

"No problem. What time is it?"

"Four."

He swings his legs off the bed and sits up.

"I've been asleep a long time."

"It was a tiring morning."

Patrick sees the weariness in Teresa's face and guilt washes over him.

"You came for a reason?"

"Austin can't wait any longer and it was either me disturb you or him."

"Can't wait for what?"

"He's missed you and he made something for you."

Patrick manages a smile.

"Just give me a two minutes."

He enters the ensuite to rinse his face. His reflection is still a shock to him. It's almost like a different person staring back at him. He can see that along the way he's changed. He can feel it somewhere inside of him that he has. He's doesn't know why and is unsure how but it's the only part of his reality that he didn't lose. It gives him hope that he'll be able to find his way back because he suspects that the life he's created now is worth having as much the life he's lost.

His wife is waiting for him when he leaves the room, she's dangling a blindfold.

"Austin insists you wear this."

"Okay."

As he takes it from her he hears giggling and an excited face appears around the corner of the wall.

"Hurry up daddy."

He puts the blindfold on and he feels Teresa take his arm. A little voice protests.

"No, mommy, Daddy doesn't need your help."

He notes the firm but gentle tone as his wife answers.

"Daddy's been hurt remember Austin."

He hears her voice soften so Austin won't hear.

"I'm sorry, I should have realised Austin would want this, he loves that you can get around, knowing where everything is while blindfolded."

He moves her arm.

"It's okay, I can do this, I still have my skills."

He hears Austin clapping his hands.

He pictures the layout of the house and the furniture in it.

"There's no toys lying around Austin, you haven't set any booby traps have you?"

"No daddy."

"Good. Where am I heading."

"To the kitchen and your chair."

He turns to his wife and understanding she whispers:

"The one facing the window."

"Thank you."

He takes a deep breath and rubs his hands together.

"Okay here I come."

He makes it safely to his chair and pulls it out and sits down. Immediately Austin is climbing on to his lap.

"Keep your eyes closed."

He nods his head and does as he's told. He feels a pull on the blindfold and as it falls away Austin climbs down.

"Open your eyes."

He opens them and in front of him is a cake with the words crudely written 'Missed you daddy' on top and blobs of icing dotted everywhere. He looks to Austin who's excitement is barely contained.

"Did you do this?"

Austin nods his head.

"All of it?"

"Mommy made it and helped me with the writing but I put the kisses on it all by myself."

"Definitely the best part. Thank you."

He lifts him up and gives him a kiss and a hug, he's suddenly overcome with emotion.

"Thank you, Daddy loves it very much."

He puts Austin down and picks up the knife waiting on the table.

"Who wants cake?".

As Teresa watches Patrick walk around the living room looking closely at the photographs, holiday souvenirs and carefully chosen accessories, it reminds her of him walking around a crime scene, a job he has no memory of fulfilling. She wonders if the very act stirs something, anything buried deep in his mind or is there nothing to dig out, is it all gone forever. Their entire association. No memory of when he first came to the CBI, of his colleagues, of his remarkable closure rate and his even greater aptitude for getting into trouble. Has he forgotten forever his hunt for Red John, his triumph over the serial killer. How intimate their friendship became as they got closer to the monster. Will his desire for revenge relight and consume him now that it can't be fulfilled.

Are the photos of their wedding, of their loving looks to one another pulling at his memories, are they stirring up lost feelings in his heart. Will the picture of her and Austin that he took as they placed their new-born son in her arms for the first time be the key to getting him back. He picks that one up and studies it closely. He turns to her.

"This is a great picture, you look radiant, despite your exhaustion. How long were you in labour?"

"Twenty four hours."

He nods his head.

"The first one is usually the most difficult."

"It's amazing that after all the pain a woman's been through that they can look at their new child with so much love. I can remember when Ang..er…I'm sorry that's inappropriate…"

He puts the picture down quickly and turns from her. She walks over to him and touches his arm to get his attention.

"Patrick, this is a difficult situation, very difficult. I know that Angela and Charlotte are the family that you remember and that you must be grieving for them. They've been a part of you and of our relationship from the moment we met. I don't want you to be afraid to talk about them. You've never actually told me a lot about them. So please, what were you going to say."

He searches her face, his beautiful eyes, clouded with pain, reading the voracity of her words. His gaze moves to the floor as he speaks:

"I..I…I was saying that Angela didn't want to let Charlotte go. The medical personnel wanted to move her to the ward and take Charlotte for her bath and examination, and whatever else it is they do, but she refused to give her up. She was still in her arms when they moved her to the ward. She could be stubborn when it really mattered to her."

"Did you like that about her?"

"Yes, I don't think it's good for me to get my own way all the time."

"You certainly try."

He gives a chagrin smile.

"Still huh. I was hoping I'd grown out of it. That was a lovely dinner, it's one of my favourites."

"I know."

Silence falls between them as Patrick looks at her. She standing so close she can smell the remnants of his aftershave. She holds still, resisting the urge to look away, resisting the urge to kiss him. He studies her for a while, she barely dares to breathe. Finally he breaks contact and takes a step back.

"I can see that we're married, I can see when I look in the mirror that I'm older than I should be. I can see that Austin and Maddy are our children. I hoped that coming here…coming home would do something. Would help me to remember…..but there's nothing."

He viciously taps his head with a finger.

"In here, I'm still married to Angela and Charlotte is my daughter, she lives and breathes. And yet she's dead, they're dead…

Teresa can't help herself she reaches out and touches his arm.

"I know you're hurting Patrick, we both are. Let me help you, I helped you before.."

Patrick looks at her puzzled, he moves away just enough to make her move her hand.

"We've been together that long?"

"As friends. Well first as colleagues, We met six months after your family's death, then we became friends and after a long time we fell in love."

He sinks in to a chair and holds his head in his hands. She wants to touch him to take him in her arms, to find comfort for them both. Instead she sinks down in the nearest chair and watches him. He takes a deep breath as if he's steadying himself and looks up.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm hurting you, and I know you're afraid. I..I..I just have so much to sort out….so much to get use to….so much to accept. I don't know if I'm the person you married..if I can ever be that person…."

"Patrick, you're not hurting me, the situation is. You're not at fault. I'm not expecting you to fall in to my arms tomorrow, the next day, next week, or even next month. As much as I would like it. It's could be a long process. I can't imagine what it's like for you, beiing in a house of strangers knowing you have a role to play, an important role."

"You're afraid I'll leave, that it'll be too much and I'll leave."

She nods her head. He stares at her for a while.

"I wish I could promise that it'll never happen. I want to get back what I've lost, and I will do the best I can but if we don't…if I don't…"

She wipes at the tears she can't stop and stands up.

"You're looking tired."

He stands up also.

"You seem a lovely person Teresa, an excellent mother."

"Thank you."

She points in the direction of the front door.

"I better lock up."

"Good night."

He turns and goes towards his room. She watches after the retreating familiar figure, that she knows as well as she knows herself. Who should've taken her in his arms and kissed her, told her to get to bed as he would lock up. He should have joked, that he liked to do it, it made him feel the man of the house, even if he didn't own the gun. She would tease him and touch him intimately and tell him there were better ways of shown it than locking up. He would scoop her up in his arms and they would lock up the house together and then make love.

She didn't stop the tears as she turned the key in the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Teresa drags herself out of bed out the sound of Maddy's cries. She can't believe it's time to get up already. She stops in the doorway at the sight of Patrick lifting Maddy out of her crib. He wearing his pale green cotton pajamas that she knows makes his eyes sparkle. He holds Maddy close to him and whispers in to her ear.

"Shhh You'll wake your mommy up."

He plants a small kiss on her cheek and gently lays her down on the changing table.

"She already has, so I can take over."

He places a hand on Maddy's tummy to keep her in place and turns his head towards Teresa.

"You go back to bed, I'll look after them for a little while, I can tell you need sleep."

"You're the one who needs rest Patrick."

"I slept lots yesterday and I can get some rest later. Now run along back to bed."

Patrick turns back to Maddy and starts to undress her.

"I don't know…"

"I can look after two little children for an hour or so Teresa. I'll make Austin his favourite eggs for breakfast and we'll find something to occupy us."

Teresa's stomach lurches with hope and she forces herself to speak.

"How do you know Austin's favourite eggs?"

Patrick doesn't turn around as he's in the middle of the diaper change. His voice betrays that he knows the hurt his answer will cause her.

"The videos."

"Of course."

"Now off you go, if you can't get back to sleep, read, or take a long shower and beauty routine, whatever will relax you but I don't want to see you for at least another hour."

She tries to move beyond her disappointment, putting lightness in to her voice."

"Thank you Patrick."

He's stands Maddy up and pulls up her pajama bottoms, lifting her off the changing table in the process. Maddy squeals with delight. He lifts her into his arms and turns around.

"You're welcome, now scoot."

Teresa takes one last look as Maddy's grabbing Patrick's face, then she disappears into their bedroom and climbs back in to bed. She hears Austin's door open and Patrick's voice.

"Hi ya buddy, are you ready for some of Daddy's famous eggs?"

She smiles as Austin cheers and she can hear his feet running down the hall towards the kitchen. She's feels disappointment when she can no long hear them and there's only silence.

Patrick places Maddy in to her high chair and puts some bread in the toaster. He'd taken a good look at the kitchen yesterday and is confident he knows where they would have stored everything so he's able to move around the kitchen like it's his own. Austin grabs this opportunity at having his daddy alone.

"Daddy what's wrong with you? You are very sad."

Patrick isn't surprised by the question, he expected Austin to figure out that something was different about his daddy. It's one of the reasons he engineered this breakfast. He did want Teresa to have some extra sleep, she looked dead on her feet the night before and it's no wonder with all the stress she's under and looking after the home and children as well as visiting him in the hospital. He also knew that no matter how good the explanation Teresa gave, Austin would need reassurance from him that his daddy was all right.

He places the plate of eggs in the middle of the table and sits down. He serves some to Austin, He cuts some toast in to fingers and places them on Maddy's high chair, along with a cup of milk. Then he serves himself and turns to his son.

"You know that Daddy was hurt, don't you?"

Austin has a mouthful of eggs, his cheeks are bulging, so he just nods.

"You know how Daddy remembers everything?"

Austin nods his head again.

"When Daddy got hurt I lost memories of some things I want to remember and that makes Daddy sad."

Austin's eyes open wide in amazement and he swallows the last of his eggs quickly.

"Did they come out of the hole in your head?"

Patrick smiles.

"Not qui.."

Austin interrupts Patrick excitedly

"Perhaps we can go back to where you were hurt and find them and put them back in?"

Patrick ruffles up Austin's hair and smiles at him wistfully

"I wish it was that easy. But they're still in here somewhere but they're hiding and hiding so good that I can't find them.

Austin states matter of factly:

"You always find me Daddy, no matter how good I hide, even when Mommy helps me. You'll find them."

Patrick can't help but smile while wishing it comes true.

"I'm going to do my best."

Austin finishes swallowing more eggs and then turns to Patrick.

"I'm glad you didn't forget how to make our favourite eggs."

Patrick laughs and picking up eggs on his fork he winks at Austin.

"So am I."

"Daddy?"

"Yes."

"If you need to remember something, you can ask me, I can help you."

Patrick swallows around the lump that's jumped into his throat. His voice comes out croaky.

"Thank you, I will."

Austin's finished his breakfast and asks if he can get down.

"Yes, just don't make too much noise to wake up your mommy."

"Okay Daddy."

Austin reaches up and Patrick bends a little so Austin can wrap his arms around his neck and he gives him a kiss on the cheek.

"Daddy, guess what?"

"What?"

"I love you Daddy."

Patrick wraps his arms around him and gives him a hug.

"Thank you Austin, I love you too."

As he pulls away Austin is looking at him puzzled and then his face brightens.

"Daddy you forgot our game."

"I guess I have, what game?"

"I say, 'Daddy, guess what? ' and you say 'What?' then I say 'I love you Daddy'"

Patrick's nodding his head.

"Yes that sounds a good game."

"But then it's your turn and you say.."

Patrick interrupts him as he guesses what he's going to say.

"Austin, guess what?"

Austin is jumping up and down.

"What Daddy, what daddy?"

"I love you too."

"That's right Daddy, I helped you remember."

"Yes you did."

Maddy lets out a cry and Patrick turns to find her tray empty. He looks back at Austin.

"Does Maddy like our eggs?"

Austin shrugs.

"Maddy's never had our eggs?"

Austin shakes his head.

"I think it's time she tried."

Patrick puts a little of the egg on her tray. Maddy picks it up and looks at it curiously. Austin has moved right next to the high chair and tries to be helpful.

"You put it in your mouth Maddy."

Maddy looks at the eggs again and offers them to Austin. He shakes his head.

"I'm full, you eat it."

Maddy looks at him for a moment and then puts the egg in to her mouth. Patrick and Austin watch closely but she doesn't spit it out and holds her hand out for more. Patrick whispers in Austin's ear.

"I think we have another lover of the eggs."

Austin flashes his Daddy a smile and heads towards the living room. Patrick watches him leave, thinking about what a great kid he is, and wonders at the simplicity and trust of children and at the morality of lying to a four-year old to stop from breaking his heart. He hopes one day he can mean the words his son accepted so readily, because what else would his Daddy say.? Maddy cries out impatiently and he turns his attention back to feeding her eggs and tries not to think about the game he once played with Charlotte.

When Teresa wakes up she hears the excited voice of her son in the hallway. There's a knock on the door, she hears Patrick's voice, kept low and before she can answer, the door opens and Austin comes running in to the room.

"Mommy we've made you some eggs."

Maddy toddles in after him while Patrick stands at the door, still in his pajamas, looking apologetic, with a tray in his hands. He mouths 'I'm sorry'. Austin moves back towards him.

"Daddy come on."

Patrick hesitates. Teresa pulls herself to a sitting position, she waves him in and invites Austin to climb up, she gives him a big hug.

"Breakfast in bed, thank you."

He pulls away.

"Daddy forgot to make you some, daddy's forgotten lots of things, but that's okay 'cos I'm going to help him. I've already helped him lots."

Teresa gives Patrick a questioning look as he hands her the tray.

"Daddy you always give mommy a kiss."

The two grown-ups look at one another and then at their son. Patrick leans over and she closes her eyes in reflex to the anticipation and to concentrate on each sensation, it seems so long since she'd kissed him that fateful morning. She's aware of the bed sinking as he lays a hand next to her for stability. She feels the goose bumps start along her arms as she feels the warmth of his breath on her skin as he moves closer. It's like a welcome breeze after a long hot stifling summer. His lips are still soft, still full, still the lips of her husband as they meet hers and linger for a fleeting moment, It feels like a butterfly kiss, with the punch of a heavyweight boxer as he moves away too quickly.

He straightens up and unable to meet her eyes he grabs Austin off the bed.

"Let's leave mommy to her breakfast and to get dressed, He puts down Austin and picks up Maddy, who's standing along the edge of the bed.

"Time to get you dressed young lady"

He holds his hand out and Austin takes it.

"You too."

He leads them out of the room, he doesn't know that he's re –enacting a scene so familiar to Teresa that she closes her eyes unable to watch and instead tries to capture the sensations of a few moments ago.


	6. Chapter 6

When Teresa enters the family room after getting showered and dressed Austin's trying to persuade his daddy to go to the park. Teresa can see that he's tiring and intervenes. She moves to Austin and crouches down so she's more on his height.

"I think Daddy needs a rest, he's worked very hard making breakfast for all of us and looking after you and Maddy, while mommy had a lie in. It's going to be a while before Daddy can do all the things he used to do. They only let him out of the hospital when I promised we would look after him. So why don't I take you and Maddy to the park and let Daddy go back to bed for a little while."

Patrick looks at her gratefully. Austin's disappointment at not going to the park with Daddy is quickly replaced with excitement that he gets to go anyway.

"I want to go on the slide and the swings and that thing that goes round and round."

He demonstrates it with his fingers.

Teresa laughs and gives him a hug. She pulls him away and rests her forehead on his.

"I think we should go on everything."

Austin's jumping up and down.

"Now what do you have to do before we go anywhere?"

"Go to the toilet."

"Good boy. Now off you go and I'll get Maddy ready."

Austin runs off.

"Thank you Teresa."

She looks at Patrick.

"You should get some sleep while we're gone. You're looking tired."

When Austin finished in the bathroom, Teresa has Maddy in her stroller. Austin climbs on Patrick's lap and gives him a kiss.

Patrick gets up from his nap to find the children fast asleep and Teresa in the kitchen. She looks up from what she's doing when she hears him.

"That's great timing I was just fixing a sandwich. Would you like one, it's tuna salad."

"That would be good thank you. Can I put the kettle on for some tea?"

"Patrick it's your house, you can do whatever you like. You usually do, wherever you find an empty kitchen you'll help yourself to some tea."

"This kitchen wasn't empty."

"True but it is yours. Thank you for breakfast, it was delicious."

"Did you and the children have fun at the park? Austin seems really excited about it."

Teresa smiles.

"He loves the park."

"The thing that goes round and round.."

Patrick imitates Austin's actions

"..being his favourite."

Teresa smiles.

"Yes it is. It was only put in a two weeks ago and he's still very excited about it. Here you are."

Teresa places a plate with his sandwich on in front of his chair at the table,

"Thank you, that was very kind of you."

Teresa brings her plate over plus a bag of chips and places them on the table. Patrick has finished making his tea and sits down also. After a few bites in silence Teresa opens some conversation.

"I want to thank you for what you're doing for Austin. You know exactly what to do as always."

"It's not hard, he's a great kid and he doesn't deserve to know his daddy doesn't remember him."

Patrick looks down at his plate and then back at Teresa.

"Neither do you and I wish it could be different."

Teresa speaks with determination.

"I never want you to pretend with me, no matter how hard it gets, I don't want you pretending. What we had together was more than I could ever have dreamed of, I want that back, no facsimile."

Patrick's shaking his head.

"I won't. I promise you that. I won't do that to you."

Teresa blinks back tears and smiles.

"Good, thank you."

Patrick can see that Teresa's in two minds about saying something.

"Just go ahead."

She looks at him startled.

"I..I…I wasn't going to say anything."

Jane smiles at her.

"Yes you were, at least you were deciding about it. I suggest you just say it."

"I've been thinking about the situation. Do you feel comfortable being here? Do you think you can stay here?"

Jane shrugs.

"I don't have anywhere else to go."

He can see instantly that it was the wrong thing say.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to come out the way it did. It's right I don't have any choice, but, I'm all right staying here. You have..we have a nice home. Have we been here long?"

"Two and a half years."

Patrick nods.

"Being in my lost environment will give me a better chance of getting my memory back, something might trigger it. That's what the doctor said anyway."

Teresa looks at him and smiles.

"Good, because I want you here."

"Even like this? I know it's very hard for you."

Teresa nods, her voice comes out barely a whisper.

"It's better than nothing.

Pain crosses Patrick's face at the emotions in her voice.

"It's good what we have?"

"The best."

"I'm figuring I worked for you?"

"You still do."

"I have to tell you I'm having a hard time with the idea that I'm a cop."

Teresa smiles.

"I bet you are. But you're not a cop, you're a consultant, we solve murders and you're very good at it."

"I'm work as a psychic consultant? Actually Angela and I had talked about doing that?"

"No you use your skills that helped you pretend to be a psychic."

Patrick frowns.

"Helped me pretend to be a psychic?"

Too late Teresa realises her mistake. Flustered she stands up from the table and reaches for his plate.

"If you're done I'll take that."

Patrick's frowning.

"What is it Teresa? Out of this whole conversation that upsets you the most?"

"I…I…you're…you're not…I'm sorry I have things to do before the children get back up."

Patrick's rewound the conversation, he stands up also.

"Does it have something to do with Angela and Charlotte?"

Teresa picks up his plate, her hand is trembling, Patrick doesn't miss it. He grabs her wrist.

"Teresa, does it have something to do with their deaths?"

He's looking in to her eyes as he speaks.

"I think you better sit down and tell me….please."

"Patrick, you're not ready to hear this."

"You can't just leave it like this. How did my family die?"

Teresa doesn't move.

"Please Teresa?"

She slowly sinks back down in to her chair.

"How did they die?"

"Patrick I'm sorry…"

"Just tell me Teresa."

She looks down and is twisting the ring on her finger. She sees no way out except to stand up and leave, but that's only putting off the inevitable. She knows her husband, he won't let it go, no matter what she says. She knows the strong feelings his holds for his family. She looks up at him.

"They were murdered."

Patrick sits back in his chair stunned. He repeats back to her.

"Murdered?"

Teresa nods her head.

"Someone killed my family? Someone killed my little girl?"

"A serial killer called Red John."

"A serial killer chose my girls.."

Patrick catches something in Teresa face.

"It wasn't random was it? It was deliberate….because…because of me."

Teresa closes her eyes as she sees the familiar tortured look in her husband's eyes.

"That's what he said, but it wasn't.."

"That's what he said? Did he talk to me? Did I meet him?"

"Patrick it's a long complicated story. You came to the CBI to catch him, and you did it, it took a long time but you found him and now he's dead and…and…you moved on…"

"With you."

Teresa's rubbing her cross.

"Yes, with me, eventually. We're in a different state, we now work with the FBI…"

"And it's all happy ever after."

Teresa hears the hardness in his voice.

"You deserved it Patrick, don't think that you abandoned Angela and Charlotte, you put your life on hold for a long time, your soul filled with guilt and remorse. Trust me you paid the price for the wrong you took upon yourself…a heavy price."

Patrick stands up abruptly.

"I think I'll go for a walk."

"Okay."

Patrick walks out the door. Teresa sits looking at the closed-door. She knows she's said too much, and wonders if she's said enough. She gets up slowly and with heavy feet she moves to the door of the basement. She opens it and walks down the steps. She finds it pretty quickly, it's not very thick, but it'll tell him all he needs to know. She walks back up the steps and slowly to his room. Opening the door she lays the file on his bed.


	7. Chapter 7

Patrick finishes the reading the note for the fourth time. He forced himself to read through the entire file before going back to the note. It says it was stuck on the door of their bedroom to greet him as he came home from a TV appearance. He leans back against his pillow and imagines himself going up the stairs. He knows exactly what he was wearing, as it's in the report, confiscated for forensic testing. He was probably a suspect for a while. He can see the pictures along the wall. His daughter's bedroom door just off to the left, unknown to him it was empty. He notices the note on the door and smiles, thinking it's from his wife, something she wants him to do, maybe Charlotte wanting him to look at something in her room before he goes to bed. But from the very first words he knows. The words of the note are already burned into his memory, did he feel the same things he felt today. Did he feel sick, Jane had thrown up in the bathroom before he got to the end of it. Somehow, it seems, he had the strength to open the door, possibly he hoped that Red John was just mocking him and that his family was fine, Charlotte was just a little girl, surely he wouldn't harm an innocent little girl.

But no he'd found them, mutilated, covered in blood. He closes his eyes, and snaps them back open as unwanted images leap before him.

Teresa closes the door of Austin's bedroom, she looks at the Patrick's closed-door. He's been in there ever since he returned. He'd been gone so long she'd begun to fear that maybe he wasn't coming back. She was feeding Austin his dinner when the back door opened, causing her to jump. She hadn't dared turn around until she'd heard a delighted Austin squeal 'daddy'. She'd forced herself to turn around slowly, his head was bent over Austin's shoulder looking at a drawing that Austin had done for him that day.

"I've put something in your bedroom for you."

He looks up at her, she can't read him.

"It's about what we were talking about."

"Oh, thank you."

He spent another minute with Austin, ruffled Maddy's hair as he walked past on his way to his bedroom.

She knocks on the door and opens it. The contents of the file are scattered on the bed. He's sat up, leaning against the pillows, he doesn't register her presence, he's not looking at the pages, he's staring in to space as tears fall on to his cheeks. She moves towards him and touches his hand. He startles.

"I'm sorry Patrick."

His cheeks flush at being caught crying. She hands him a couple of tissues from the dispenser on the bedside table and he wipes at his eyes. He makes a sweeping gesture with his hand across the pages of the file.

"I can't remember any of this. It's like reading a terrible crime novel, but it's my family, and their dead, and it was so long ago. Charlotte barely had time to live. She was only Austin's age."

He fingers the page in front of him.

"It's been so long…"

Teresa wants to take him in her arms and hold him, but she stays rooted, knowing it wouldn't be welcome. He looks at her and she knows that he can read her as he quickly looks away. She stands up.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have come in. I..I..It's just I was worried about you. I'll leave you alone."

"No, don't go."

Teresa looks at him in surprise, he raises his eyes towards her and gestures to the files once more.

"I need answers, there's so many holes in this thing…"

Teresa nods her head, she expected that the report wouldn't be enough.

"The kids are in bed, why don't we go where it's more comfortable and you haven't eaten."

"I don't want anything, I'll just make a cup of tea."

"Austin and I made some brownies, if you want one."

"Okay, they sound good."

She flashes him a smile.

"The best apparently."

He can't help responding to her smile.

"Is that what I say.?"

"Yes, now you can give me an unbiased opinion. I'll go put the kettle on."

Patrick swings his legs around to the side of the bed.

"It's okay, I can make it."

"You get the cups ready, I'll have whatever flavour you're having as long as it's coffee."

Jane is off the bed and has gathered up the pages of the file. He holds the door open for Teresa.

"Isn't it a bit late for all that caffeine?"

"Without it I'd be going to bed with the kids."

They each carry their own cup and slice of brownie into the family room and sit at opposite ends of the couch, using the end tables to place their crockery. Patrick had already placed the file there. Although he doesn't need to look at it again, he knows what it says. Teresa looks at him over the rim of her cup and the act of moving and making the drinks have given him time to compose himself, but she detects the return of the Red John effect on his face, the lines of worry and grief are back. Still gone though, is the glint of revenge in his eyes. He leans back in to the couch, crossing his legs., He takes a sip of his tea and closes his eyes as he swallows, he then takes a bite of the brownie.

"Mmm no bias needed, this is wonderful."

Teresa's surprised by how pleased she is, and inwardly tells herself off for her show of domestic pride.

"Thank you."

She sees the change in his demeanor and knows he's getting down to the business at hand.

"I guess the thing I want to know most of all is: I killed a man?"

"Yes you did. It ended up being a big mess, Red John was a police officer and was involved in a lot more than just the killings that were attributed to him."

"Yes, this Blake Association."

"It was a secret organization of cops and politicians and various areas of law enforcement, who did anything that was necessary to protect each other, and follow whatever instructions they were given. That's why it took so long to find him, but it also proved to be his downfall. You figured it all out. You turned one of his disciples, who gave you some important information and you figured it out from there."

"I'm a little surprised that you were okay enough with it, that you married me. You seem the rule keeping type."

Teresa considers her words carefully, she's spent many hours in the past, figuring out how she felt about him killing Red John and her part in it.

"I always thought that I would stop you, and I had every intention of doing so. You always told me that it wouldn't happen, but I was determined. Red John had ruined your life once, I wasn't about to let it happen again."

Patrick's now leaning forward his hand clasped together in front of him. He's so close. He speaks softly:

"So what changed?"

"You read the file. The Blake Association turned everything in to disarray. Even the director of the CBI was a member and tried to kill you. It was hard to know who we could trust without getting everyone to take off their shirts."

Teresa closes her eyes to the memories crashing in on her, the hug at the beach, the horror of the explosion at Patrick's house, the relief at finding a pulse.

"The CBI was disbanded, I didn't have the authority to stop you, even if I wanted to. The truth is I didn't want to, everything was such a mess, I couldn't be sure that if they arrested him, that he would ever pay for his crimes. It would take so long to find every Blake member and he would be long gone before we could stop it. You were the chance for justice, he'd killed so many…. so many good people.."

"Someone close to you?"

Teresa wipes at the tears that wet her eyes, partly because of memories and partly because of Patrick's concern. She nods her head.

"A man I once worked with, someone I admired a great deal."

Patrick can see there's something more but doesn't push it. He leans back against the couch. He killed a man, how does he feel about that?

"I'm not in jail, I'm working for the FBI and living a normal, happy, life."

The irony of his words and his current situation, are not lost on him.

"You escaped, went somewhere where they couldn't touch you. Abbott found you.."

"He's the big boss guy, who visited in hospital?"

Teresa nods.

"The FBI offered you a deal, immunity for working with them."

Patrick lets out a slow whistle.

"That's some deal."

Teresa can't help but smile at the memory.

"It was a very good deal, but you wanted more and had stipulations and held out until you got them all."

Patrick takes a sip of his tea and stares at his cup, processing all that he's read and along with what Teresa has told him. He looks up at her.

"I came back for you."

Teresa nods.

"I like to think so."

Patrick descends into silence again. Teresa watches him carefully for a while.

"Are you okay?"

He looks at her and runs his hands down his face.

"I don't know. I feel like I've just aged fifteen years in one night."

"I guess you have."

"There's so much I've forgotten.."

Teresa notices that his leg is moving up and down. She reaches across and touches his arm.

"I know it's a lot to take in. Although I can't know how you feel, I do know it must be very difficult. But you may have lost part of your past, and I know you're grieving for Angela and Charlotte, but you have a present, you have people that care for you, and want to help you."

Patrick's switching between nodding his head and shaking it. He turns to her and anguish fills his eyes.

"It seems a wonderful present. The kids are fantastic and you seem a very nice person, but this is not my present, not in my head or my heart."

Teresa can't help reeling back at the pain his words cause.

"I can see I'm hurting you, every time, I don't remember something, or do something that reminds you of how we use to be. I'm hurting you by being so close and yet so far away. Perhaps it'll be better if I'm not here. Perhaps it's better for me to go away."

"No, Patrick, don't. The doctors can help you here. You have an appointment tomorrow, wait until after then."

Patrick closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh. It seems hours to Teresa as she waits for him to speak.

"Okay. I won't decide anything until then."

He looks at her.

"I know one thing though."

Teresa manages to reply in a steady voice, despite the desperation almost suffocating her.

"What?"

"I need to see their graves, I need to see that they're gone."

Patrick stands up.

"If it's okay with you, I'm feeling wiped out and will go to bed."

He leaves Teresa sitting there, his cup and unfinished brownie on the end table. Teresa's hand, unaware to her, moves to the cross around her neck as she stares after him.

Patrick wakes up with a start. He's tangled in his covers and sweat is damping his hair. He frantically unwinds himself from the bedding, he lays still, working on calming his heart rate, but, he can feel the saran wrap around his body, as if he's still dreaming and when he closes his eyes, he sees the grotesque face that held him captive.


	8. Chapter 8

The nurse comes towards them with a file in her hand and smiles.

"Patrick, will you follow me?"

She turns to Teresa.

"The doctor wants to speak to Patrick first and then he will see the two of you together."

Patrick stands up and follows the nurse in to the consulting room.

"Take a seat, the doctor will be with you soon. Would you like any thing?"

"A cup of tea would be lovely."

Patrick watches the nurse leave and then looks around him. The room is sparsely decorated, there's a desk over by the window, situated though so the doctor sit's with his back to the stunning view beyond. Obviously a man who doesn't like to be distracted in his work. In front of the desk is a couch and two matching chairs, all are a deep brown leather. Definitely not of the comfy variety. The paintings on the wall, he can tell, won't tell him much about the man, they look as if they were chosen to be restful and non-intrusive, rather than, as a personal preference. All that's on the desk is a picture of a pretty woman of about 40yrs of age with two twin teenage girls. They started their family young despite the husband going through medical school. Jane wonders if they were high school sweethearts.

He peers more closely at the girls, their blonde hair has a slight wave and is hanging loosely around their shoulders. The girls are not looking at the camera but at laughing at each other, obviously sharing a personal joke between themselves. It's a nice photo, Patrick realises, with a jolt, that they're probably the age Charlotte would be if she was still alive. Patrick can't look at any longer.

He chooses to sit on the couch, in the corner furthest away from the chair that he can see the doctor usually sits in. He realises that he's sending a defensive message and moves into the middle.

The door opens and the nurse enters with his cup of tea.

"They you are Patrick. I hope it's too your liking."

The door opens again and the doctor enters, he's holding a tablet in his hands, Patrick's seen them advertised when watching tv in the hospital. The nurse turns towards him.

"Would you like a drink Robert?"

"No I'm fine, Beth."

The nurse looks between the two of them.

"I'll leave you two alone then."

As she leaves, the doctor sits down in the chair Patrick had pegged as his, it was the slight depression in the cushion that gave it away. The doctor sits back and looks at Patrick in silence. Patrick smiles and leans back also.

"So what do you see?"

"I see a man who's in conflict. A lot of tension in you Patrick. It's taking a lot of effort for you to look so relaxed. Tell me how it's going?"

Patrick looks down at his hands as he answers.

"Everything's great. I have two adorable kids, that I'm scared I will let it slip that I don't remember them, and a wife that I upset every time I walk in to a room and don't kiss her. She's doing her best, being understanding.."

He looks up at the doctor.

"She made up the spare room for me. Figured I wouldn't want to share her bed. She was right of course. And then, if that wasn't enough, I find out that my family were butchered by a serial killer named Red John and it was all my fault."

Patrick looks at him defiantly, defying himself to falter, to show any emotion. But he'd dealing with a skilled psychiatrist and his choice of words betray him.

"I hoped you wouldn't find out about Red John, it's a complication you can do with out."

Patrick looks at him dumbfounded.

"A complication, is that what you call it?"

"Probably not the best choice of words. But it's something you've already dealt with. You completed what you set out to do and put it behind you.."

Patrick interrupts him.

"I know, I moved on. Moved on to a new family."

The doctor tries a new tack."

"How are you feeling Patrick?"

Patrick stares at him and then leans forward resting his arms on his knees and looks at the floor, shaking his head.

"I know the issues you have to deal with Patrick. What I want to know is how you feel?"

"I feel like I want my memory back. I feel like I want to wake up and get my life back."

He points towards the door.

"I know that's my wife sitting out there, I know it in my head. I want to know it in my heart."

Jane becomes silent, the doctor urges him to continue.

"And?"

Patrick looks up at him, a puzzled look on his face and echo's back in almost a whisper.

"And?"

"And Patrick, that isn't all you feel, is it?"

Patrick stares at him and then shakes his head.

"No. I miss Angela and Charlotte. When I read to Austin or throw Maddy around, I feel like I'm betraying her, and betraying Angela and what we built together. To me I only lost them a short time ago. The pain is so real, it feels like it's cutting me in two. Sometimes I can hardly breathe. And I killed them."

"And you killed him."

"Yes I killed a man. It repelled me at first, the thought that I was capable of squeezing the life out of man. Do you know that's how I did it? I choked him with my bare hands."

"And now?"

"And now?"

"You said, at first it repelled you."

"Then I thought about my wife and daughter butchered. They were innocent and yet he cut them up. And he did it to many more. He was a monster, not a man. I want to remember it, I want to remember how it felt, feel that satisfaction. I want to do it all over again."

The doctor nods his head, and changes subjects again.

"Have you remembered anything Patrick?"

Patrick shakes his head.

"No, when I hold Austin, it doesn't feel like Charlotte, that's what I'm thinking as this little boy, a great little boy, is cuddling up to me, hugging me. I'm thinking it's not Charlotte."

Patrick is staring at his hands as he rubs them against each other.

"He knows I'm not the same daddy he knew before the injury, I told him that there's stuff I've forgotten, but he won't know that I don't remember him."

"You have a lot going on Patrick. You have to be patient. Chances are good the memories will come back."

Patrick looks up at him.

"And if they don't?"

"Then you'll have to decide what you want to do. But don't rush it and don't give up. It'll take time. You say you want your family back, and that's good. They're still there Patrick, you haven't lost them, you have to find a way to connect back with them and that's not dependant on regaining your memories. Chances are you won't get them all back."

Patrick leans back against the couch and looks up at the ceiling in thought. The doctor gives him a little time before asking his next question.

"Tell me about your dreams."

"My dreams?"

"Yes, not your aspirations, but what you're dreaming about at night."

Patrick shakes his head.

"I dream about my childhood, about traveling the carni circuit. Angela was in it once, but I've not dreamed about Charlotte or about any thing connected with the time I've lost….except.."

"Except, after learning about Red John, he was in my dreams. He wore a mask, there was no face and I was tied to a chair. There was blood, I could smell it. I was frightened at first and then angry. He talked to me and touched me, like I was someone who was dear to him. It was frightening, and sickening, I woke up."

"Do you know where you were?"

"No, it's wasn't a place familiar to me, it seemed a big space. There was a bright light.. Strange thing was I was wearing a waistcoat with my suit. Don't know where that came from, I didn't wear them before and I don't where them now."

Patrick looks up at the doctor and notices the change in demeanor as his fingers are busy on his tablet..

"What is it doc? I've I said something significant?"

"You've remembered something Patrick."

He hands him the tablet and there, filling the screen, Patrick see's himself in a three-piece suit.

"It's what you wore when you worked at the CBI"


	9. Chapter 9

The door finally opens once more and Teresa looks up from the magazine she's not been reading. The doctor steps out the door and looks towards her.

"Come join us Mrs. Jane."

"Please call me Teresa."

The doctor nods his head and Teresa lays the magazine back on the stack lying on the table beside her. She picks up her purse and stands, automatically straightening her top as she does so. The doctor stands aside as she enters the room. She sees her husband's sitting on the couch and she sits down next to him. He looks at her and gives her a small smile. The doctor has sat down and waits while Teresa's settled, watching the interaction between the Janes. The awkwardness of the physical nature of their relationship is not hard to miss, especially with the wife as she instinctively reaches for his hand and then pulls it back. He saw the darkness cross Patrick's eyes as he witnessed it. Teresa looks at him expectantly. The doctor clears his throat.

"Patrick and I have had a good session, talking about the issues that he's facing and it ended on a very positive note by discovering that he's remembered something."

Teresa eyes light up and she turns to Patrick excited.

"How come you didn't tell me?"

Patrick rears back and shrugs. The doctor comes to his rescue.

"He didn't realise that that's what happened. It was a dream he had last night. It's only a small thing Teresa and it doesn't mean the rest of his memory will return quickly.

Teresa nods at the doctor and tries to dampen her excitement and not get her hopes up, but she can't help it. The news is so much better than she ever expected.

"He dreamt last night of being held captive by a man in a mask, he was tied to a chair."

"Did he do anything to him?"

Patrick answers:

"No he just talked to me and touched me."

"This may seem like a strange question but how were you tied to the chair?"

"That was really weird. There was saran wrap all over me."

"That happened to you. Patrick."

"Red John held me captive?"

"No, it was some college kids, they were going to kill you as part of some perverse movie and Red John saved you."

Patrick slumps back against the couch.

"He saved me? How?"

Teresa looks down at her hands and then at her husband.

"He killed them."

"The kids?"

She nods.

Patrick retreats into his thoughts, He's pulling at an imaginary thread on the leather sofa. He turns to Teresa.

"Who's Kristina Fry?"

"She was a woman we came across during an investigation, you dated her once. She taunted Red John and he kidnapped her."

Patrick looks at her fearfully.

"Did he kill her as well."

Teresa shifts uncomfortably.

"No he didn't, he did something to her mind, she's in a mental institution in California, believing she's dead."

Patrick seems to sink even further into the couch.

"He did what?"

He shakes his head.

"What kind of life did I have? I don't know if I want to remember."

He stands up and quickly leaves the room. Teresa stands to go after him, but the doctor stops her.

"I think it's best if he's left alone for a while. I'd like a few words with you, if that's okay?"

Teresa stops mid stride. She looks at the closed door and then at the doctor, who encouragingly nods his head towards the couch. Teresa lets out a sigh and sits back down, perching herself on the edge.

"Thank you Teresa."

The doctor looks kindly at her.

"I really think I should go after him."

"I don't think so Teresa, I can tell that there's something about this that bothers you."

"I'm just concerned for Patrick, it was a distressing time for him, it sent him off the rails a little, he pulled away from me."

The doctor looks at her closely.

"It's more than that Teresa, you almost seem angry. This is your opportunity to talk about it. I'm here to help you, as much as I'm here to help Patrick."

Teresa looks between him and the door and the doctor fears she will choose the door.

"Come on Teresa you must need someone to talk to."

Finally Teresa shoves herself towards the back of the couch.

"Now tell me what really bothers you about what Patrick remembered."

Teresa looks to the ceiling and then at the doctor, he sees the moment she decides to talk to him.

"It's great that he's remembered something, but it's Red John. Not me, or the children, Red John."

"Red John was a huge part of his life, for a long time."

Teresa's eyes flash angrily.

"I was a part of his life during that time and beyond. That man put him through hell, made his life a living nightmare, sent him places a person should never go. I kept him sane. Supported him through it all, despite how badly he treated me sometimes. I understood, knew he had this need inside of himself and I hoped to save him from himself."

Tears prick Teresa's eyes.

"I was the one who found him there, who smelt the blood and expected to find him dead. I cut him free of that stupid saran wrap and let him lean on me to leave that horror house he'd been trapped in."

She's shaking her head.

"Yet he remembers Red John!"

"Patrick has no control over what he'll remember and when, and it has no meaning on what's important to him. He wants to remember you and his children, This may be the only thing he ever remembers or it may be the doorway to him remembering everything."

Teresa's nodding her head, not looking at the doctor.

"What I'm trying to say Teresa is that, it doesn't matter what he remembers first, we can only go with him, go with him wherever it takes him. If he knows how this has affected you, it may shut down his memories for good."

Teresa nods her head and lifts her eyes to him.

"He wants to go to California and visit his first wife and daughter's grave."

"Then go with him, California is where most of his memories lie, it could be good for him."

She stands up.

"I'm going to find him."

The doctor nods and stands also and walks to the door, opening it.

"Are you sure you're okay."

"Thank you I'm fine now, what you said makes sense, I'm just a bit overwhelmed with it all."

"I understand, and don't feel bad, this is a very difficult thing you have to deal with."

"Goodbye doctor."

"Don't make another appointment until you get back from California."

"Thank you."

Teresa shakes his hand.

"Good luck Teresa."

Teresa eventually finds him outside on a bench, holding a takeaway cup of tea in his hands, staring at his feet. She slowly sits down beside him.

"Are you okay?"

"I guess. I'm sorry for walking out, it's a lot to take in. I can't believe that happened to me. It sounds awful."

"Our job was to catch murderers and sometimes things got a bit hairy, and you especially had a talent for getting in the middle of it."

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"I have always been good at getting in to trouble."

She chokes a laugh.

"I quickly found that out. It was a mystery to many as to why I kept you around."

Patrick looks at her in surprise.

"You were my boss?"

"Yes I headed the team."

He looks closely at her and slowly shakes his head in confusion.

"How did I miss that? I thought we were more partners."

"I'm not your boss anymore, we're equals now."

"Ahhh. That explains it."

The tone and expression of relief at not losing his touch brings back memories to Teresa that tug at her, bring a wistful feeling of those times in the CBI. Patrick catches it.

"Are you okay?"

She smiles at him.

"I'm fine, The doctor thinks it's a good idea for you to go back to California and visit Angela and Charlotte's grave, it's where you spent a large part of your life, it just might help."

Patrick returns her smile.

"Good. Will you come too?"

"I'd love too."


	10. Chapter 10

Austin is in Patrick's arms and Teresa has Maddy, as they make their way to the baggage claim area. Teresa looks across at Patrick, he seem to be doing okay, he's pointing out planes to Austin and he must have said something funny as Austin breaks in to laughter and Patrick has a wide grin on his face. He catches her looking.

"You two seemed to have a good time on the plane?"

"Yes we did. We had a philosophical discussion on the benefits of insects as pets. Austin is all for them, and says that people are down on them too much."

Austin gains interest in the conversation.

"What do you think mommy, can I have an insect as a pet?"

Teresa takes the time to answer slowly, as if she's giving it some serious thought.

"I think insects make a great contribution to the world and I agree, that far too many people misunderstand them, but I don't think they'll work well as pets. Insects like to be free to live their own life."

Austin's mouth turns downwards.

"That's what Daddy said."

Teresa nods a thank you to Patrick. As they enter the baggage claim Patrick put Austin down, whose eyes have grown wide at the sight of the carousels.

"You stay here with mommy, buddy while I get our bags."

"I want to help daddy."

Patrick looks at his pleading eyes and holds out his hand to him.

"Okay, you can point out the bags to me, but don't try to grab them because it's dangerous, even if it looks like I'm going to miss one, because it'll come around again. Promise?"

"I promise daddy."

Patrick and Austin return with a trolley full of bags and car seats.

"Right let's go."

Patrick takes charge of the children while Teresa hires a car. The children are restless after the hours on the plane and Patrick is holding races with them. Thankfully the line at the car rental isn't very long and soon they're out in the blinding sun, and climbing into the car, after fastening in the car seats. Teresa puts the address in to the sat nav. and they're on their way.

Jane looks out the window, this is where he spent many of his forgotten years and he's hoping that something will seem familiar to him, but it's just blank. Half an hour later Teresa is pulling the car into a driveway. Patrick looks at the house, it's a neat single story residence, blue in colour with a white trim. The dark wood door opens and a striking woman of around forty-five is walks out to greet them. This is someone he knows too.

Teresa puts the car in park and they both get out the car and help the children out of their seats. This time Patrick has Maddy, who fell asleep during the ride after being awake during the entire flight. She's only mildly disturbed by being removed from the car and is back to sleep in his arms.

Teresa gives the woman a hug, who then turns to Patrick and nods.

"Good to see you Patrick, it's been a long time. I'm sorry to hear about what's happened to you and I hope you find the answers you need."

Since she knew Patrick, apparently he's worked for her in his past, she knows what's happened so she would understand when he acted differently around her.

"Thank you, I appreciate your help."

"It's the least I can do, you gave me my life back and made my children safe."

Madeline Hightower, shows them into the house. Patrick stands still, processing what she said, wondering what he did. Teresa turns and looks at him.

"Are you all right?"

Her voice brings him out of his thoughts and he smiles.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Jane shrugs.

"Yea…I mean…what she said…..I was…I was just wondering what I'd done for her?"

Teresa looks at him intently.

"Patrick it helped a lot of people when you killed Red John."

"Him!"

"Madeline has a cot ready for Maddy."

"Okay."

Teresa and Patrick enter the house.

Maddy is sleeping in the cot and Will and Mimi have taken charge of Austin and are in the back garden. The adults are in the living room nursing cups of coffee for Teresa and Madeline, and tea for Patrick, in their hands.

"It's great to see you guys, and your family, the children are lovely."

Teresa smiles at the compliment.

"Thank you, Austin can be hard to keep up with at times.."

Madeline looks at Patrick.

"I can imagine, but you've had plenty of practise."

"How did I give you your life back and help your children?"

Teresa looks at Patrick.

"This isn't the time Patrick, I'll tell you the story, but it's a long one and not one that Madeline's children need to hear again."

Patrick lifts his hand apologetically.

"I'm sorry, of course."

Madeline smiles reassuringly at him.

"That's quite all right Patrick, I can't imagine what this must be like for you, for the both of you."

Patrick raises his eyebrows

"It's not fun."

"I hope this visit is helpful for you."

"Well I'm visiting the graves of my wife and daughter tomorrow, I'm not sure how I feel about that."

Teresa, fuelled by embarrassment and pain, speaks sharply:

"Patrick."

He looks at her and turns to Madeline.

"I'm sorry that was rude. I'm just a little anxious about it all.."

He turns back to Teresa.

"I'm sorry, I..I…"

He stands up abruptly.

"I think I hear Maddy, I'll take her into the kitchen and give her something to eat, if that's all right."

Madeline answers:

"That's fine Patrick, make yourself at home."

He makes his way to Maddy's room, he notices his hand's trembling as he opens the bedroom door. Maddy stops crying at the sound of the door opening.

"Hi Maddy, yea it's okay."

Her tear-stained face looks up at him and she breaks into a smile, lifting her arms up for him to pick her up. He lifts her into his arms and she wraps her arms around his neck, he gives her a hug, closing his eyes and just letting the feel of her soft body against him, her tiny fingers tickling his neck, and the smell of baby powder fill his senses, while pushing everything else away.

Madeline and Teresa watch him go. Madeline looks at Teresa with concern.

"I tried to imagine what it would be like, he really doesn't remember any of us. To have known him and have him look at me as a stranger is weird. I'm really sorry Teresa, it must be so hard for you. I know you're a strong woman but this…"

Teresa shakes her head against the emotions that Madeline's words bring to the surface.

"I've cried many tears, believe me. But at least he's here. There were a few hours when I thought I was going to lose him. I don't know what's going to happen, I'm holding on to the hope that his memory will return, but that may not happen, and I have to prepare for that. I have to make it so he doesn't want to leave, because this is better than not having him at all."

"No matter what happens he has to make a life for himself. I've never known two people love each other and were meant for each other like you two. That's still in him somewhere and if anyone can help him find it, it's you."

Teresa nods her head and wipes at the tears in her eyes.

"Thank you for everything."

"It's my pleasure."

Teresa stands up.

"I think it's time to get Austin a bath and ready for bed. Maddy I fear could be up for a while."


	11. Chapter 11

Teresa comes out of the bathroom to find Patrick laying some pillows on the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"There's only one bed."

Teresa looks at him, her heart twisting inside.

"Is that what you want?"

"I thought it's what you would want?"

Teresa picks up the pillows and places them on the bed.

"There's no need to sleep on the floor, this bed's more than big enough."

"Are you sure?"

"Patrick, I only put you in a different room for your sake, I thought it would be better for you."

She fingers the deep blue quilt, looking at it as if it's the most important thing in the world.

"I don't mind you sharing my bed….I…I miss you."

She continues quickly:

"It will just be nice to feel you next to me, and hear you breathing."

She looks up at him.

"If you don't mind. I'm not asking anything of you."

Patrick nods in understanding, he remembers how much he hated being out of town and sleeping without Angela next to him, the bed seemed so big and empty.

"I don't mind. I just…I just…"

He shrugs.

"…just thought you would want it that way."

She smiles weakly at him.

"Thank you for being so thoughtful and willing to sacrifice a night's sleep, as I don't think you would have gotten much on that hard floor."

He responds with a crooked smile.

"Probably not."

"Madeline's taking the children to Fairyland while we go to the cemetery."

"Will it be all right leaving Maddy with, who to her, is a stranger? She's pretty young."

"Yea, I think so, she's used to day care. Madeline has my number if there's a problem."

Teresa pulls back the covers.

"I can go on my own if it'll be easier."

She stops what she's doing and looks at him.

"Is that what you want?"

He slowly shakes his head.

"I was thinking of Maddy."

"Madeline's really good with kids, I trust her with their lives, and Mimi's not in school tomorrow so she's going along."

Patrick's nodding.

"Good."

He pulls back the covers and climbs in to bed and Teresa follows. He lays down and gets up on his elbow, turning around to puff up his pillows some more. He lays down again and repeats the process, this time punching the pillows down and puffing them back up. Teresa lays on her side facing him and watches, knowing the routine well. He hates strange pillows, she'd taken the ones he'd used off her bed and put them on the bed in the guest room. For a man who's spent many nights in hotel/motel rooms, and couches, he's very fussy about his pillows. After the fifth time he lays down with a grunt. He looks over to her as if he's just remembered she's there. He gives her an embarrassed smile.

"Sorry about that."

"That's okay. Are you comfortable?"

"Not really."

She replies knowingly:

"Tomorrow will be better."

"I'll try not to snore."

"Don't worry about it, you don't snore. You told me that you trained yourself not to, all that sleeping on the couch in the office."

He puts his arms behind his head and looks at her.

"I sound like I was an ideal employee."

She smiles at him.

"Something like that."

"Do you snore?"

Teresa looks aghast.

"No, I do not!"

Patrick holds his hands up in surrender.

"Sorry, obviously a touchy subject."

He looks at her questioningly.

"I wonder why. Obviously hit on a sore spot."

He looks more closely at her.

"You do something when you sleep…mmm…you talk in your sleep…Yes..Oh and something else.."

Teresa looks away.

"No there isn't.

Patrick shrugs.

"Well I guess I'm about to find out."

"Hush, or you're back on the floor."

Patrick gets up on to his elbow and looks at her intently, she begins to squirm under his gaze.

"What?"

Patrick lays his head back down on to his pillow.

"Nothing. What time are we leaving tomorrow?"

"I thought around ten, traffic should be a little easier then."

Teresa moves on to her back, bringing up tomorrow changes the mood. She'd been enjoying the banter, it was almost like…..she doesn't allow herself to finish the sentence as tears threaten.

Patrick can tell from her breathing that the change in subject has upset her. He closes his eyes feeling like a heel. Why had he done that? Why had he panicked? It had been nice, talking to her, teasing her had felt easy. Looking at her she was relaxed, for the first time the pain was missing. It was replaced with love, she was looking at him the way she must usually look at him. It made her look more beautiful than usual. The thought shocked him, he didn't know where that thought came from, but there was no denying it, her eyes were alive, dancing as she teased him. They were mesmerizing even, when he tried to turn away, he found he didn't want to.

So he'd changed the subject, used his dead family, he can be such a jerk sometimes. He tunes into her breathing, it's steadier now, but still not relaxed. He pictures her with her eyes closed, her dark eyelashes laying delicately on her cheeks. He has to stop this, he's visiting his dead wife's grave tomorrow and his child. But he can't ignore that she's there next to him, just a few inches away. He can feel her body heat, her breathing, just that little bit lighter than his. He realises that he's unconsciously trying to match his breathing with hers. If he moves his hand off his chest and stretched his fingers out, he would be able to touch her. He feels her move, she turns on to her side away from him, it feels like there's a chasm between them now. He turns on his side away from her too, hoping he can forget she's there. He closes his eyes and wonders if he'll fall asleep tonight.

Teresa doesn't know which is worse being so close to him, or so far away. They always fell asleep with her head on his chest and his arm around her shoulders. She would listen to the rhythm of his breathing, once they'd grown silent, and it would send her to sleep. Sometime during the night she would roll off and then he would curl up next to her, spooning without actually touching, as if he can't stay away from her, but knows he mustn't crowd her, so she can sleep.

She needs to get to sleep. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, he thinks he's visiting his family's graves but he's also visiting the place where he killed Red John.

She feels him move, adjusting his posture. The distance causes an ache in her stomach. She wants to move back, put her arms around his waist, lay her cheek against his back, feel his heat, his firm body against hers, letting her know that everything will be all right. She wonders if she should have just let him sleep on the floor.


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning Teresa wakes up with the feeling that something is amiss. It takes a moment to realise that the bed's empty. She looks at the time, it's six thirty. She pulls the covers back and gets out of bed. She moves to the bathroom and listens at the door, but there's no sound. She tries the door and it's unlocked, she looks in and it's empty. She uses the facilities and rinses her mouth before going in search of her husband.

As she moves down the hallway she checks in on the children and Maddy isn't in her cot. She finds them both in the living room. Maddy's lying on Patrick's chest, who's sitting in the rocking chair by the fireplace. His eyes are closed. She's tiptoeing her way to the kitchen when Patrick speaks without opening his eyes.

"She doesn't seem to like sleeping in a strange cot."

"She's never slept away from home before. I didn't hear her, what time did she wake up?"

Patrick opens one eye, cocking his eyebrow.

"About one o'clock."

"You spent the entire night in the chair?"

"We were on the couch for a while, which is very comfortable. But after I changed her, she was crying a little so we moved to the chair where I could rock her."

"You should've woken me and let me get up with her."

"It was no problem and I slept well."

Maddy lifts her head, her eyes partially open, she looks around and sees Teresa, she gives her a smile and then lays her head back down, closing her eyes once more. Patrick strokes her hair.

"I guess she wanted to say hi."

"It means she'll be awaking up in a few minutes, she likes to do it in stages. Would you like some tea?"

"Tea sounds lovely, thank you."

"I'll take some coffee."

Teresa turns around.

"Good morning Madeline, I hope we didn't wake you."

"No, no, my alarm went off ten minutes ago, I like to take my time getting out of bed."

Teresa goes into the kitchen and Madeline sits down across from Patrick.

"She's adorable. I heard her about one, has she had you up all night?"

"Not really."

Patrick points his head towards the couch.

"We slept on the couch before moving to here."

Madeline smiles.

"Of course."

"I said something funny?"

"No, it just brought back memories.

Patrick looks at her questioningly.

"One of the things I had to get used to, when I took charge of the CBI, was seeing my consultant laying on a couch either in the bullpen or Teresa's office. It was off putting at first, especially the first time I caught you sleeping. I certainly made you jump. Not that you paid any mind, of course. I soon discovered it was best to leave you alone, you have your quirks but you get the job done."

Maddy starts to squirm and raises her head once more. She looks around and then at Patrick. She blinks and her face begins to crunch up to cry. Patrick wards it off by lifting her on to his shoulder and rocking the chair back and forth, whispering softly in her ear. Her body begins to relax. Teresa comes in with drinks for Patrick and Madeline. She hands Madeline hers and places Patrick's on a coaster on the fireplace mantel. She reaches for Maddy.

"Let me take her, she'll be hungry."

Patrick stops rocking and lifts Maddy off his shoulder, he plants a kiss on the top of her head and hands her to Teresa.

"Thank you for the tea."

As she leaves Madeline stands up with her coffee in her hand.

"I should start getting ready."

Patrick leans forward on his chair.

"Please don't go, tell me how I helped you."

Madeline looks down at him and lets out a sigh.

"It's a long story Patrick."

He waves his hand, inviting her to sit down.

"Please. The short version will do."

He picks up his tea as Madeline sits back down. He takes a sip, waiting for her to start, trying not to show how anxious he is.

"The short version is that Red John tried to frame me for a murder I didn't commit. You got me away and I and the children were on the run from Red John and the CBI. Eventually I faked our deaths to keep us safe. You killed Red John and we were able to come out of hiding and resume our lives again."

She studies the effect of her words on Patrick.

"Does that help you?"

He shrugs.

"I don't remember any of it, of course. The memories I have is that of a man going about his everyday work, providing for his family, treasuring the moments he gets to spend with them. I think of the things lost to me, killing a man, finding my wife and child butchered…."

Tears prick his eyes and he blinks hard to control them.

"…Sometimes I don't know if I want to remember."

Madeline stands and moves towards him. She crouches beside him and touches his knee to get his attention and to give understanding.

"You've done a lot of good, many murderers are behind bars because of your skills and there are a lot of good things to remember, and the most important being your family, the one you have here and now. Whether your memory comes back or not, your old family is gone Patrick, I know that's blunt, but it's the truth. But you have this family, I don't know if your memories will return, but be patient and work on this family. I can see you trying with your children, try with Teresa too. You two are good together, you fell in love with her once, you can do it again."

Madelin feels him start to move under her hand, she increases her pressure.

"Don't get up and leave Patrick. You're a better man than that. You've dealt with difficult things all your life, you can deal with this one. It's probably the most important one, you have the most to lose."

Patrick's staring at her, his face unreadable, she doesn't move or look away. He cracks first, he looks down and then back at her. He takes a deep breath.

"I hurt her."

"That's no reason to run Patrick, you will hurt her more if you go. With you here she has hope to sustain her. If you go away, that's gone and where would you go? What would you do? You'd be totally alone. Is that what you want?"

He shakes his head.

"I don't know."

"Teresa's a strong woman, she can handle this and she wants to. Do you want to?"

Patrick stares down at his hands, Madeline doesn't move, she waits him out. Finally he meets her eyes.

"Yes, I do. I stand and watch Teresa and the children doing their everyday things, and I want it."

"Badly enough?"

"I…I…I think so."

As Madeline begins to rise to her feet she leans over and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

"I'm glad Patrick, for the both of you."

Suddenly there's a faint twinkle in Patrick's eyes.

"What happened to me? I never let people bully me this way."

"You gained a soul Patrick, over the past years."

"Not sure if I like it."

Madeline smiles at him, she knows he's just trying to get some control and she's happy for him to do it.

"I need to get ready for the day spent with your children."

Patrick stands up to.

"It's very kind of you."

She pats him on the arm.

"It's my pleasure."

"I hope things go all right for you today. It'll be hard, but lean on Teresa, she'll help you through it."

Patrick nods his head.

"I will."

Patrick and Teresa wave as Austin and Maddy leave for the park. They climb in to their car without speaking to one another. Teresa can see that Patrick's become more anxious as the time moved along. She looks across at him as he fastens his seat belt, he's looking out the window.

It's a good hour's drive to the cemetery.."

He turns and looks at her.

"Feel free to sleep, I know you must be a little tired after Maddy's interruptions."

He smiles at her.

"Thank, I will."

He reaches down and releases the lever reclining his chair. He lays back and rest his hands on his stomach, closing his eyes. Teresa puts the car in reverse and pulls out the drive.

Patrick lays trying to fall asleep, but it seems to elude him.

"Can you put the radio on, something soothing, none of that Spice Girls rubbish."

Patrick lurches forward as Teresa hits the brakes hard.


	13. Chapter 13

"Woman, you could've killed, or seriously injured me."

Patrick's rubbing his cheek where it dug into the seatbelt.

"Did you forget something? Because I think you could've just turned around."

He puts the seat back in to its sitting position and looks at Teresa, wondering why she hasn't said anything yet. He sees her expression.

"What's wrong Teresa?"

"Why did you say Spice girls?"

"I did? When?"

"Just now, you said don't put any Spice Girl rubbish on."

Patrick's back to rubbing his cheek.

"That's why you maimed me? Because I said Spice Girls."

"Why did you say it?"

He shrugs.

"Because I don't like them. Is this a big deal? Do you like them?"

"You make fun of me because I owned a Spice Girl cd. It was years ago but you still tease me about it now. In fact, you did the day before the shooting. We were grocery shopping and one of their songs came on. We ended up doing a little dance in the store."

"I'm surprised Teresa, you don't look the type."

"To like Spice Girls or dance in the store."

"Both."

" But don't you see, it's something you've remembered. You may not understand the connection but it's inside you somewhere."

"I guess, or it was just a co-incidence, my music memory is more back catalogue, the new stuff is a blank to me."

"You don't believe in co-incidences, and have taught me the same. So why did you say Spice Girls? Think about it."

Patrick looks at her, trying to remember, he shakes his head.

"I don't know Teresa, I'm sorry."

Teresa fights to keep the disappointment from her eyes. She keeps her voice steady

"Okay. But it's something, it means something. Just relax and leave it alone, something may come to you."

She restarts the car and looks over at him.

"It's a start though Patrick, I'm sure it is. The memories are in there somewhere, they're not gone forever."

She puts the car in drive and pulls away from the kerb, speaking mainly to herself now.

"We just need to be patient."

Patrick spends the rest of the journey thinking about Spice Girls and what it could mean and trying to remember their connection to Teresa. He's surprised when Teresa stops the car outside the cemetery. Nothing's come to him and he tells himself that maybe Teresa right and he should just leave it alone and let it come naturally. Teresa turns to him.

"We're here. I'll show you where they are and then give you some space."

"Thank you."

Teresa opens her door and gets out. Patrick takes a deep breath and then does the same. He stands and looks at all the gravestone standing in rows, going on for miles. He wonders which are theirs.

"Are you coming?"

He looks to see that Teresa has already started making her way. He moves towards her.

"Yes, sorry."

She smiles at him.

"It's okay."

He can't help reading the gravestones as they walk past. Telling stories of long lives lived and loved, sweet memories and loving epitaphs and heart-breaking tragedies. Teresa stops and raises her arm, pointing to his right.

"They're over there, four rows down, the two white stones together."

He looks over to where she's pointing, he sees the white gravestones, his family's resting place. He finds he can't move his feet forward, while at the same time fighting the urge to run back the way they came.

Teresa stands back a little and waits patiently, unable to truly imagine how hard this must be. He looks at her and shrugs, then moves forward, slowly at first but then with more determination as he gets closer.

He feels his heart quickening with each step that brings him closer to the white stones. Their names come in to view and it catches his breath, and pain hits him like a train, and knocks him to his knees.

He thought he was prepared, he knows they're not here, they're not with him. He read the file, the report of their deaths, description of the crime scene, transcript of his nine, one, one, call. But none of it prepared him for seeing their names carved in cold stone, and he realises nothing could. As the despair collects itself and thought returns, Patrick sits cross legged on the ground, in front of the stones, trying not to think of what lies beneath him, focusing on the names and the pictures in his mind of them living and breathing and loving.

"My sweet angels. You've been here a long time, but for me it was just a couple of weeks ago that I was building sand castles with you Charlotte, one of our biggest ever. You were an accomplished sandcastle builder and could make them yourself but it is…was your favourite thing for us to do together. That was two days before your death, as far as I know…."

Patrick stops as a memory flashes in to his mind. A picture that's there for barely a second. He scrambles to find it again but it refuses to come. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, and as he slowly releases it he thinks of sand castles and Charlotte. There it is again and it stays. A crushing feeling's squeezing the breath out of him, a pain, so intense that he doubles over.

Teresa watching from a distance sees him bend over, holding himself. She moves towards him, not sure if it's the right thing to do, or not. She keeps her eyes fixed on him as he's rocking back and forth. She stops for a moment, still unsure whether to intrude or not, he seems to have heard her as he looks at her. The pain and anguish on his face makes her complete the last few strides without hesitation. He stands up as she gets nearer and accepts her into his arms, burying his face in her shoulder. She can feel his body shuddering under her touch. She holds him tight.

It takes a few minutes for him to regain control and as she feels his body calm and he starts to pull away, she releases her hold of him. His gives her an embarrassed smile.

"I'm sorry."

"It's perfectly all right."

She gives him an appraising look, he still looks haunted and he shrinks a little under her gaze.

"Are you all right? Would you like to talk about it?"

He shakes his head and then speaks:

"I knocked down the sandcastle."

She looks at him puzzled, certain she must have miss heard him.

"What?"

"I was thinking about the last memory I have of Charlotte, we were down on the beach next to my house and we made a huge sandcastle together."

He smiles wistfully.

"It was her favourite thing for us to do. the thought crossed my mind that as far as I knew the sandcastle could still be there, it was certainly sturdy enough."

He puts his hands in his pockets and looks at the ground. Teresa waits patiently, until he looks back at her. The pain intensified once more, in his eyes.

"I destroyed the sandcastle. I could see myself kicking wildly at it, stomping on it. I could feel my pain, it was after my family was killed, just after. The pain was crushing and black and terrible."

Teresa realizes that Patrick's remembered something new, and that if his memories come back in bits and pieces like this, he will experience the loss, his despair, all over again.

"I'm sorry Patrick."

He nods his head in acceptance.

"I think I need to walk."

"Would you like me to go with you?"

"Please, if you would."

They walk quietly for a few minutes. Patrick is lost in thought, trying to control the thoughts swimming in his head, trying to make sense of the pieces that's he's remembered. The dream, Spice Girls, the sandcastle. That thought takes him back to Angela and Charlotte once more. He's seen their graves, he knows their gone, in his head, but he's needs to know it in his heart. He, now understands he needs to get his memories back. He can't live behind the memory loss, not remembering their departing, him finding them, the funeral, makes everything unreal, makes them unreal. As if his life with them was all a dream, and they left in a puff of smoke. Through remembering about the sandcastle and the incredible anguish associated with their loss, he realises that the reality is darker, raw, almost animal like. He needs to remember it all, to connect with them and bring them back in to his reality. It scares him. He turns to Teresa and speaks so softly she can barely hear him.

"Thank you…thank you for being there.

She stops and turns to face him.

"You're welcome."

She asks again:

"Are you doing okay?"

"Yes, I'm doing better….I want to remember…."

The wind is blowing her hair across her face and she reaches up and moves it away.

"…..I want to remember it all. I didn't think I did, but I do…I don't know if you understand that….but I want to remember."

Teresa reaches up to move her hair again but Patrick does it for her, his touch soft against her cheek. She smiles.

"I'm glad Patrick."

He looks at her intently, something in his eyes gives her hope, he's not looking at her like she's a complete stranger. There's something there, something beginning.

.


	14. Chapter 14

"Are you ready to go?"

"There's something else here. You keep looking towards the chapel. "

" No I don't. "

" Yes you do, and the fact that you're denying it is intriguing. "

Teresa shakes head, but also knows she's turning red.

"Intriguing, bite me. That's what you always say."

"Do I? "

" Are you ready to go back? "

Patrick moves closer to her.

" Teresa, that church has something to do with me. Please tell me. I want to hear as much as you can tell me. It might help."

Patrick looks closely at her.

"It has something to do with Red John, that's why you're hesitating. "

" Yes. It's where you came face to face with him as he really was. You then, killed him, but not here. "

Patrick turns and looks at the chapel, hoping maybe something will come to him.

"That's an interesting phrase, 'as he really was'."

"We'd met a few years back, while working a case, he was a cop. We had no idea of his true identity."

He turns and looks at her.

"Let's go inside."

Patrick looks around as he enters the chapel, he's never felt comfortable in churches, not being a believer. He's noticed Teresa's cross and wonders how they handled the faith issue. Does she pray for him? For them? He watches as she goes to the front and crosses herself and slides in to a pew. He moves in beside her.

"Do you go to church much?"

She shakes her head.

"Not as much as I should. The usual times, weddings, funerals..."

She looks at him.

"Sometimes, other times when I feel the need."

"Do you believe in a God?"

"Yes I do."

"No Teresa, do you really believe."

She thinks about it for a few moments.

"I guess not like I should. In our job it's hard to do sometimes. But I feel there's more than just this...that there more for us than just this. I believe my Mother and Father are somewhere else that they just didn't cease to exist. I try to be a good person."

Patrick thinks about his family in the ground.

"I wish I could believe...but I can't"

"It's said that everyone believes on their deathbed."

"That's not belief that's hope."

They're both lost in their thoughts, then Patrick breaks the silence.

"Do you think Teresa, if there is a God, he will forgive me for what I've done?"

"We can all gain forgiveness, but it's not handed to us on a plate."

Patrick looks around the chapel, hoping that something will come, but it's just a blank.

"Tell me Teresa."

"Not here, I don't think this is the right place to talk about such things."

Patrick moves out of the pew and stands back to allow Teresa out. They walk outside and settle on a wall facing the chapel, the sun is above them, shining on their backs. Teresa tells him what the police think happened inside the chapel.

"You then chased him through the streets to a park, where he collapsed and you killed him."

"With my bare hands. That's pretty cold don't you think?"

"He killed your family and put you through hell for ten years."

"What happened then?"

"You left. You escaped to a foreign country, a small island, where there was no extradition and stayed there for two years."

Patrick stands up and paces.

"It's like I'm listening about a different person."

Red John only made two mistakes. One was leaving a witness alive long enough to give you the final clue you needed to identify him and the other one was making you a victim."

A small smile graces Patrick's face.

"I'm not very good at letting things go. I don't like people taking advantage of me."

"Or saying anything against you, or getting the better of you. A sore loser, I think is the term."

"Ouch! Maybe I haven't changed that much."

"It can be irritating when you direct it to someone in an investigation who's rubbed you the wrong way, but then sometimes we cheer on the sidelines, because you had the courage to do something when the rest of us didn't."

They both smile when Patrick's stomach rumbles.

"I guess we better find a place to eat."

"Sorry."

As they make their way back to the car Patrick wants to pass by the graves, as he does so an image flashes in his mind making him stop. Teresa looks at him with concern.

"Something wrong?"

"A young girl, about eleven, long blond hair, a green plaid dress and a red.."

"..smiley face on her hand."

Patrick spins to face her.

"Another memory?"

"On the nineth anniversary of your wife's death, Red John stuck a greetings card on your car. It sent you here. Red John abducted the girl and sent her to you, here, with a message."

"What message?"

"Do you give up?"

Patrick runs his hand through his hair.

"He didn't hurt her, did he?"

Teresa shakes her head.

"No, and you wiped out her memory of him to keep her safe. The boss was not happy."

Patrick looks out across the vast cemetary.

"Nothing else is coming, so much has happened here but it's not coming."

Teresa touches his arm.

"At least you're getting somethings, the rest will come, we just need to give it time. Now we were going to get lunch."

"Yes we were, and lets talk about something else shall we? No more talk about Red John."

"Deal."

"Just give me a moment."

"Of course, I'll make my way to the car.

Patrick kneels down at his wife's grave and runs his hand across the top of the gravestone. Suddenly emotion chokes him as he tries to speak.

"Anglea...I probably won't come here again, and i know you can't hear me, but you never know, you often showed me that I was wrong when I would bet on my life that I was right. So just in case it turns out that you were wiser than me on this issue. Thank you for being a wonderful wife and mother. For taking me on and being patient and for trying to mold me in to a better person. It seems I let you down big time. I hope that you and Charlotte have forgiven me. I love you and the life we built together and I'm so sorry that because..."

He squeezes his eyes tight.

"...I'm sorry that ...because of my actions that...that...you and our...beautiful daughter were..."

He shakes his head and swallows the words that are choking him. He pats the stone and stands up.

"You know what I'm trying to say, you always did."

He takes one more long look at each grave and then walks away.


	15. Chapter 15

Patrick says he would like to visit more of the places that were from his past. Teresa makes a phone call to a friend who still works in the old CBI building and arranges passes for them. First they will eat lunch at O'Malley's. They ride in silence as Patrick stares out the window and thinks about the morning events. Teresa thinks about them too.

She tries to play down the fact that he's getting flashes of memories returning, but she's hopeful, especially since one is about her. She relives holding him in her arms, she can still feel him against her. The familiar shape of his body, the firmness and strength as he held on to her. They fitted together as if there was nothing wrong, as if this barrier of forgetfulness didn't exist. She berates herself for her selfishness. He was distraught, thinking about his daughter and she's thinking about herself and her desires. She steals a look at him wondering if perhaps he's thinking about it too. Of course not, but she's wrong.

She came to him so naturally and he opened up his arms needing her. It was with a fierceness that he finds difficult to understand. He was at his wife's grave! But he wasn't, he was at his former wife's grave, his 'wife' was in his arms, holding him tight, giving him comfort and strength, rubbing her hand gently in circles on his back as he struggled with despair and fear. The depth of pain he felt, in himself, in that brief image on the beach scared him. He was being torn apart, he felt utterly naked and raw. Gone all the masks and shutters everyone has, to hide themselves from the outside world, only allowing loved ones to see our uglier traits, and he had more than most, he was a con man after all. His greatest con job was probably the one he played on himself, that despite being a liar and a parasite, he was a decent human being, after all he loved his wife and his daughter and would do anything needed to protect them. But on that beach he knew he'd failed, he wasn't a husband, he wasn't a father, he wasn't even a selfish egotist anymore, he was nothing.

But those arms around him told him things were different now, he was more the man he'd always told himself he was. The lies and cons are not who he is now, he's felt that inside of him, and those arms told him he could believe it, that it's not a delusion. Those arms around him, were arms of love, and it felt right being there. He couldn't deny the loss he felt as they pulled apart, it took all his will power to not move right back in. Those arms ended his feeling of loneliness. He steals a look at her and she's biting her lip as she fights the downtown traffic, forehead creased in concentration. He returns to looking out the window.

As they walk from the car Teresa tells him how this was a regular spot for them and the team, that they ate here probably once a week. When the owner greets them by name, Patrick's ready and responds as if they're the old acquaintances they are, leaving their host with no clue that he's a stranger to him.

Patrick studies the menu and looks around at offerings on nearby tables. He looks at Teresa.

"What do I usually order from here? What's good?"

"Well for lunch you liked the ham and cheese on rye, with a salad."

"That does sound good."

He places the menu on the table, Teresa is also ready and the waiter comes over for their order. After he's left Patrick stands up.

"Just going to the bathroom."

"Okay, I thought I would call Madeline and see how the children are doing."

"Sounds like a good idea."

Patrick's sat at the table watching the patrons when Teresa returns.

"This is a regular hang out for cops I take it?"

"Headquarters are just down the road, and its good food."

"How are the kids, and maybe more importantly how's Madeline doing?"

Teresa smiles.

"Madeline's surviving. They're having a great time. Austin's riding on everything, his eyes are as big as saucers and she says she's so glad she brought Mimi as she's able to keep up with him. Mimi is his new best friend. They're having lunch too. Austin said to say hi and to give you a kiss."

She blows him one across the table. They're food's placed in front of them and Patrick lays his napkin across a knee.

"I'm glad they're having a good time and I'll have to remember I owe Austin a kiss."

Patrick takes a bite of his sandwich, lays it back down and points at it.

"That's a great sandwich."

Teresa takes a bite of her roast beef sandwich, the mustard sauce trickles down her chin and she wipes at her mouth with her napkin.

"Mmm Good to see the food is just as great."

Patrick's watching and smiles at her.

"Are you always this messy, when I take you out?"

Teresa puts on an annoyed look.

"No."

"That's a shame, it's quite endearing."

"Hush."

He mutters under his breath, but loud enough for Teresa to hear.

"Now I know where Austin gets his eating habits from."

Teresa looks at him as he smiles wickedly at her and it catches her breath, bringing back so many memories of past teasing. He catches the change.

"I'm sorry, I was only joking."

Teresa's shaking her head.

"No, no. No need to apologise, I…I've just missed it….the teasing."

"Good, I'll make a note, tease Teresa at every opportunity."

An awkwardness follows which both choose to cover by taking another bite of their sandwiches. During the rest of the meal Patrick holds a debate with himself, and as they sit with their drinks, waiting for the check, he comes to a decision and with an intake a breath, plunges in before he can change his mind.

"Thank you for today…for …for…you know…..holding me…..helping me."

Teresa's taken by surprise but is happy for the chance to talk about it.

"You don't regret it? I know it was done without thinking."

Patrick's shaking his head.

"No, I don't. It helped."

"Good. You have some hard things to remember, some are very painful, you don't have to go through them alone. I'll always be here for you."

Patrick nods his head. Teresa can see there's something more he wants to say. She leans towards him.

"What is it?"

He spreads his hands out."

"What?"

"There's something else."

"You're good."

"Well I may not be as good as you, but as a cop we learn to read people, and I have known you for a long time."

"It felt nice. Being in your arms."

Tears spring to Teresa's eyes.

"I still don't remember you as my wife, but it felt right, and I thought you had the right to know."

Teresa's dabbing at her eyes with her napkin. Patrick points to his own eye.

"You have mascara leakage."

Teresa starts to rise.

"I better go to the bathroom and.."

"Repair?"

"Yes."

"Take as long as you need."

Patrick watches her make her way to the bathroom hoping he's done the right thing.

The journey to the old 'Serious Crime Unit' floor has been a challenge for Patrick. Being constantly on guard as to who knew him and how well, to gage his reactions to them. It seems he was on good talking terms with the guards at the entrance to the car park, the one or two that were still there on the bottom floor, he only knew fleetingly. An old cleaning woman nearly caught him off guard as they stepped out of the elevator and she came waddling up to him, with her arms open and took his face in her hands, kissing both her cheeks. He didn't understand much of the polish she was speaking but he'd apparently done something to help her boy. He asked after him, and he was now in college. There was more kissing on the cheek before she went back to work.

As he looked at Teresa she had a smirk on her face.

"You always did have a way with the ladies."

"She has a boy in college?"

"It's her grandson."

"Ahh. What did I do?"

Teresa shrugs her shoulders.

"No idea, you kept that one to yourself."

They make their way to the bullpen, passing Teresa's office which as a new name on the door and a new department. The CBI was totally disbanded after the Blake affair and the disgrace of Bertram. Now it's the Sacramento Homicide Department, that graces their old stomping ground. She hears the door to her old office open behind her and turns around.

"Agent Lisbon."

"Detective Andrews, how good to see you."

"Is it true you're in the FBI now?"

"Yes."

"Great! I always felt you were shabbily treated because of the actions of your consultant."

Patrick pushes himself to the fore with a familiar smile plastered on his face and Teresa's stomach tightens.

"Hi, I'm that consultant. Also a member of the FBI, well working for them anyway…apparently. Got shot in the head and can't remember much these days, but I take it we weren't friends?"


	16. Chapter 16

The detective doesn't take his hand.

"No, never did like you much."

Jane shrugs and withdraws his hand, inspecting it as if searching to find what is wrong with it. Teresa gives him an icy stare and turns her attention back to the detective.

"It's good of you to let us come. We just wanted to have a look around the place, for old times sake."

"No problem, anything for you Teresa, perhaps we could have dinner tonight, if you're not busy."

Patrick interrupts.

"She'll be spending it with her husband and two children."

Detective Andrews looks shocked.

"You mean, you married this guy? There was always rumours about you two, but I never believed any of them. Thought you were smarter than that."

Patrick's pleased when he sees Teresa smart at the remark, but she plays it cool.

"Very happily married, thank you."

Andrews shrugs and dismisses himself.

"You two take as long as you want. I have work to do."

"Of course, and thank you again."

Patrick beams at him.

"A pleasure to meet you again."

Andrews looks disdainfully at him and walks away shaking his head.

Patrick and Teresa watch him go.

"What did I do to that guy?"

"Didn't show him the respect he thought he deserved."

Patrick looks at her and smiles.

"I don't think it's impossible to give as much respect as he thinks he deserves.

She smiles at him, knowing he's probably right. Teresa finds it harder than she thought wandering around the familiar rooms that hold so many memories, but as she looks at Patrick she counts herself lucky that she at least has those memories. Although Patrick examines everything closely and listens as she describes where people sat, and other things that she hopes will trigger something, she can tell it means nothing to him. She has one last idea and she steers him up the stairs to the attic room.

"Where are you taking me?"

"To a place you spent a lot of time, when you wanted to work on the Red John case."

They stand before the heavy wooden door, Teresa's disappointed to find it padlocked. Sensing this Jane makes an offer.

"I can pick the lock, if you want."

Teresa looks at him and then around the space.

"There's no one here Teresa, except us."

"Have you got something to pick it with?"

"I do now."

He produces a paper clip.

Teresa looks at him astounded.

"Did you take that from here?"

He beams at her and shrugs.

"But..but how did you know you would need it."

"I just don't like being without something, and I figured they wouldn't miss a little paperclip. Now do you want me to pick it or not?"

Teresa hesitates. Jane examines the padlock, his fingers come away with a layer of dust.

"It doesn't look like anyone's been here for years."

Jane begins work on the lock, Teresa doesn't object. It's not long before he's sliding back the heavy wooden door. There's not much more in the room than when Teresa last saw it. The makeshift bed that Patrick slept on, as much as he slept in his hotel room, and in the final weeks, every night, is not there anymore, as a bed, but its fixings are leaned up against the wall in a corner. The small table's still there though the chair's missing. The only additions are some boxes stacked in against the wall opposite the window. Teresa always liked the window, and was tempted to choose a similar style for the windows in their home, until Patrick pointed out the tedious work in cleaning them. That quickly changed her mind. Patrick is out on the balcony looking over the city, she joins him.

"This is a spectacular view."

"Yes it is."

They stand in silence for a long time looking out over the city, Teresa taking furtive glances at her husband, wondering what he's thinking. She jumps when he suddenly breaks the silence.

"I'm glad I came. None of it looks familiar to me, no memories have suddenly popped into my head, but there's a feeling here…."

He looks at her, with a soft smile on his face.

"I can't put my finger on it, but it feels…significant and right."

"You spent a lot of your time here, in fact you told me a couple of times that you had nothing else. We became your surrogate family, you healed here."

"And you had a lot to do with that."

"We became close, good friends, you became my best friend, my funny, never boring, infuriating best friend."

"The best kind to have."

They go back into the room and Teresa's eyes take another look around.

"You miss it."

"Yes, sometimes, we had some good times, we were a good team, coming here brings it all back. But I wouldn't change what I have now. Life's balanced now, complete."

"Was."

She looks at him and his eyes are clouded with sadness.

"It was balanced and complete, now it's in disarray and confusion."

"Life with you is never straightforward, we'll get through this."

Her phone begins to ring, she pulls it out of her pocket and looks at the display.

"It's Madeline."

Patrick goes back out on to the balcony as Teresa talks to Madeline. He sits on an upturned crate next to a metal bin, leaning against the window he stretches out his legs and folds his arms. He closes his eyes and lets the murmur of Teresa's voice wash over him. He suddenly feels very tired, the interrupted night's sleep catching up with him. He hears the change in tone of Teresa's voice as Austin gets on the line, only when she says good bye and she's back to talking to Madeline does he realise that he was straining to listen to the conversation and that he was picturing Austin on the other end excitedly telling his mother about what he'd been doing today, he then notices the smile on his face.

Teresa moves out on to the Balcony as she finishes the call, it's a bit of a jolt to her system to see him sitting on the crate, and she can see his weariness although he's smiling at her.

"Austin's had a great time I take it."

She smiles as she remembers her son's excitement.

"Yes, he's had a great time and wants to go back tomorrow with us. Madeline called from the car park, she setting off home, picking up some dinner on the way. Are you good to go?"

He lays his hand on his thighs and pushes himself to a standing position.

"Yes I am, to be honest I've discovered I've missed the little guy and Maddy too."

Teresa's thrilled.

"They do get under your skin, even Madeline's enthralled and she's no pushover. It looks like you could use some sleep."

"I guess there's no sense in denying it. I'll get some on the way back."

At the elevator they meet up with Detective Andrews.

"I thought you two had left."

Teresa holds out her hand.

"Thank you Colt, I appreciate you letting us in."

"Always a pleasure to see you Teresa, should you ever want to return to California look me up."

Patrick pops his head from behind Teresa.

"She's married remember."

Andrew keeps his eyes on Teresa while he answers.

"For now."

Teresa extracts her hand as the elevator opens and pushes Patrick inside as she hears his mouth open by her ear. She silences him with a quiet but pointed:

"Hush."

As the doors close he mouths 'Colt?' and using his fingers as a gun he shoots at the doors.

Teresa can't help smiling as she tells him off.

"Behave yourself."

Patrick's asleep by the time they reach the first corner, leaving Teresa alone with her thoughts. The relief she felt when she left the building makes her realise that she never wants to go back there again. Too many good memories should only be relived only in the safety of her own home, not where they are too real, making them too painful. She's glad they went though, it put a finality to the whole CBI saga.

She takes a glance at Patrick, she's disappointed that nothing concrete came to him from his tour of the building, but there has been a lot of good today. Not just in what he has remembered but in their relationship. He missed the kids, he liked the hug they shared and he told her about them.

"Penny for them."

Teresa visibly jumps.

"I thought you were asleep."

"Someone has to concentrate on the road."

"Oh hush."

Patrick smiles and sits up, raising his seat at the same time.

"I thought we'd stop at the store and buy some ice cream for after dinner. There's one just a few yards down from the exit."

"Sounds good."

"So what were you thinking about."

"I was thinking that today was difficult but some progress was made, and that maybe tomorrow, we should not think about your memory loss, and go and have some fun with the kids."

Patrick rubs his hands together.

"That sounds a fantastic idea."

Teresa beams, pleased that he's excited about the idea. Patrick looks at her.

"You know you have a very beautiful smile."

Teresa smiles even wider.

"Thank you."

She can't believe she's blushing like a school girl.


	17. Chapter 17

Austin talked nonstop about his day, reliving the moments over and over again to anyone who would listen. Now he's sat on his daddy's lap as Patrick patiently listens to one more story before Austin goes to bed. Once he's finished he's about to launch into another one when Teresa puts her foot down. Patrick hands him over and Teresa takes Austin to the room he's sharing with Will. As he turns from watching them go he finds Madeline waiting to hand him a cup of tea.

"Thank you, though I should be doing this for you after having our kids all day."

"Don't worry about it Patrick, we had a great time, it was my pleasure. They're delightful kids, you and Teresa are doing a wonderful job with them."

"Thank you."

Patrick takes a sip of his tea and waits, he knows Madeline has something on her mind. He can guess what it is and is deciding how to answer.

"Do you want to talk about today?"

"It was difficult at the graves.."

He looks down at his drink.

"…Seeing their names carved in stone….. but Teresa helped me. Then we looked around the old work place, I didn't remember anything there."

Madeline picked up on that straight away.

"You remembered something somewhere else?"

He looks up at her almost bewildered, not realising what he'd said.

"Yes. I remembered a young girl, apparently Red John sent her to me."

Madeline nods her head.

"I seem to remember Teresa telling me something about that. Unknown to Red John that was a mistake, as it was the start of his unravelling. You were a determined man, without you it may have been years before he was caught, if at all, with the Blake Association hiding his tracks."

Patrick hears Teresa approaching and seizes an opportunity to change the subject, as she enters the room he says:

"I also remembered that Teresa likes the Spice Girls."

Teresa slaps him playfully on the arm, without thinking.

"It was a long time ago and only the one cd."

"Ow."

Teresa turns around horrified at what she'd done. Patrick's rubbing his arm, but there's a gleam in his eye.

"That's a mean right hand you have there."

He sees immediately her concern and smiles at her to reassure her that's everything's all right.

The three of them chat for a while and then turn in for bed. Just as they're about to enter the bedroom Maddy begins to cry. Patrick turns away from the door.

"I'll go check on her."

He's heading down the hall before Teresa can protest. She's lying in bed by the time he gets back.

"She just needed a diaper change and she was soon back to sleep."

"Good. Sorry about before."

Patrick looks at her puzzled.

"For what?"

"For hitting you."

Patrick sits on the bed next to her.

"I didn't mind."

He looks at the ceiling and lets out a deep sigh.

"This memory loss has left me alone in the world. The people I remember are no longer in my life and the people in my life I can't remember, I hope that we can be friends and as a friend, I understand how difficult this is for you, because I'm your husband, and you're use to intimacy between us. But it's something that I can't give you and it's a strain for you. I can see it. I was happy that you slapped me, it showed you're feeling more relaxed."

Teresa propped herself up on her elbow while he was talking.

"I guess I was feeling relaxed, and you deserved it. Spice girls was our secret."

"Was it? I don't remember."

He flashes a wicked smile at her letting her know he's playing with her. He disappears in the bathroom to get changed for bed. Teresa's reading when he comes out.

"Is it good?"

She places the bookmark and closes the book.

"No, it's just a silly romance. I find it relaxing, helps me to turn my mind off."

He grins at her, finding it interesting that she likes a bit of fluff.

She looks innocently at him.

"I can leave it in your bedroom when I'm done?"

"Why?"

"You think I don't know that you secretly read them. You read one of them to me when I was pregnant with Maddy, as I suffered from indigestion and had trouble sleeping. We didn't quite make it to the end. You made out you hated it but I know you read the ending and the next one I bought."

"You corrupted me? Well that's one memory I'm glad I've lost."

While getting in to bed he stops and looks at her.

"Really?"

Teresa nods her head.

As Patrick turns out the light, Teresa smiles to herself in the darkness. After a few moments of silence Patrick turns on his side facing her and speaks softly.

"Teresa?"

"Yes."

"Can you make sure you sleep away from me tonight because your nose is going to grow very long after that tale of lies you just told me."

Teresa wakes up early to find her bed empty once more. She relives the previous morning, finding Patrick and Maddy sleeping in the chair. Patrick opens one eye as she enters.

"She really doesn't like that cot."

"You should have woken me up. You already had one interrupted sleep."

"It's no problem, we slept very well on the couch for a most of the night."

Patrick's looking at her intently making Teresa feels self-conscious. She runs her hand through her hair.

"Do I have morning hair?"

Patrick shakes his head.

"No. I see you did some repenting during the night. Your nose is its normal size."

Teresa looks innocently at him.

"No, I'm just not in the plus box yet."

"The plus box?"

"Yes the box where I've lied to you more times than you've lied to me."

Patrick seems to be thinking this over. He starts to stand up, placing his hand on Maddy's head to support her and smiles at Lisbon.

"I see some things haven't changed. I hope it's only in the little things….Here take Maddy and I'll make us a drink."

Maddy stays asleep during the exchange, Patrick points to the chair.

"Take my seat."

Teresa does so as Patrick goes into the kitchen. The chair's still warm with Patrick's body heat, she can smell him. A longing hits her like a freight train, her whole body reels from it. Maddy squirms under her touch and she realises she's tightened her hold of her. She forces herself to relax. She concentrates on the feel of her daughter against her. Her fingers laying softly against her neck, she listens to her steady breathing, she kisses the top of her head and strokes her downy hair. She realises her hand is trembling a little, she shakes it out and takes deep breaths and is pleased when its steady.

Suddenly Patrick's there looking at her, a worried expression on his face.

"What's wrong?"

She tries a smile.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"You'll be in that plus box pretty quickly if you keep this up. Tell me what's wrong, I'd like to know."

Patrick puts their cups on an end table and lays the quilt that covers the back of the couch and which, he and Maddy used earlier, on the floor. He takes Maddy off Teresa and lays her on top of the blanket. She opens her eyes and Patrick strokes her back and then her cheek and she's soon back to sleep. He hands Teresa her cup and sits down opposite her with his own and looks at her expectantly.

Teresa watched all of it. She always enjoys watching her husband interact with the children, but watching his tenderness just re-ignites her longing. She looks at him.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You'll only have me wondering what I've done."

Lisbon sighs deeply, looking down at her hands.

"You haven't done anything."

She looks him in the eyes, she sees kindness and concern.

"I miss you. I sat in this chair and it was warm because of you and I could smell you and I missed you."

Patrick watches a tear fall on to her cheek, as he's struggling to push down the guilt that's surfacing and concentrate on Teresa. She's not going to open up to him if he makes this about him. He has an overwhelming desire to reach out and wipe the tear off her cheek and he's glad he has the cup in his hand. She reaches up and wipes it away and gives him a watery smile.

"I'm sorry, I'll be fine in a minute. Let's just talk about something else. We have a lovely day planned with the children to forget about all this stuff…. As much as we can."

Patrick nods and speaks softly under his breath.

"As much as we can."

He takes a sip of his tea, giving her a moment to compose herself, and Teresa does the same.

"So which of the Spice Girls was your favourite?"

Teresa splutters into her cup and she looks up at Patrick's grinning face.


	18. Chapter 18

Austin's beside himself with excitement. A day at the beach with his Mommy and Daddy has him literally jumping up and down until Patrick pointed out that it was impossible to get him dressed if he didn't stand still, so, although, they would all miss him terribly, he would have to stay here. Co-operation was instantly given for the next forty-five seconds but long enough for his dad to change his underwear and put his trousers on at break-neck speed. With a sweep of his arm he managed to grab him and put him on to his lap for shoes and socks before he was off again. After Patrick finished and Austin's feet touched the floor, he was off to check if Maddy's ready. Teresa has the job of applying the suntan lotion while Patrick gets the picnic ready.

Patrick loads the picnic cooler in the boot of the car, and places a bag with drinks and snacks in the foot well of his seat. He opens the back door and Austin jumps in and needs just a little help to fasten himself into the car seat, he reaches over and pats the empty car seat across from him.

"Go get Maddy, Daddy, we need to go."

Patrick smiles at him and ruffles his hair.

"Mommy's bringing her out, she's just finishing changing her."

Austin lets out a deep sigh and looks up at Patrick, a serious expression on his face.

"Why do girls take so long to get ready?"

Patrick calls upon all his experience to keep from smiling, but looks at Austin with equal solemnity.

"It's better not to ask such questions, and the results are always worth the wait. Now you won't have an unhappy Maddy sitting next to you.

"I guess."

They both jump when the door opposite opens, having been too busy in conversation to notice Teresa come out of the house. Patrick winks at Austin and places his finger over his lips. Austin returns the gestures, though his wink was a little less successful, as it involved blinking both eyes numerous times and wrinkling his nose.

"I think we're good to go."

Patrick declares after the snap of Maddy's buckle's heard. Austin claps his hands and cheers. Teresa and Patrick smile at one another from across the car as they open their doors to climb in.

It's a couple of hours to the coast and the time's spent playing eye spy and reciting silly rhymes until excitement causes exhaustion and sends Austin to sleep for the last hour. Patrick and Teresa are both grateful for the peace. Teresa looks over at Patrick who's staring out the window watching the passing scenery.

"We could go somewhere else?"

He turns to look at her, surprise on his face, and as he's about to go into denial mode she cocks her eyebrows at him, stopping him in his tracks.

"I can't deny I'm a little nervous about it, memories and all. But Austin's so excited, how can I deny him. I can't believe we haven't taken him before now?"

"The beach, a true beach isn't easy to come by in Texas and you didn't want your children's first beach experience being at a fake one."

Patrick smiles.

"That sounds like me. Charlotte was brought up by the sea, it's…was second nature to her."

He looks back at the children.

"It'll be fun to see Austin's reactions."

"He'll want you to help him build a sandcastle."

"I've already promised him."

"This is suppose to be a relaxing day for you too. When you forget about memories."

"This day would be hard no matter when it happened in my life"

"I guess, maybe that's why you kept putting it off."

"Maybe."

"I still think we ought to go somewhere else."

"We can't change now, and you saw Austin's reaction when Madeline suggested it."

He smiles.

"Thank you for worrying about me, I'll be fine, I've prepared myself."

Teresa has to come to a stop for traffic causing Austin to wake up.

"Are we there?"

Teresa looks at him through the rearview mirror.

"Almost. Just five minutes."

"Yeaaaaa."

Teresa has Maddy in a stroller with the diaper bag sitting in the basket underneath. Patrick's carrying the cooler, blanket and holding Austin's hand as they make their way down the steps to the sand. It's a glorious day, the sun is warm and there's only a little breeze. The ocean sparkles a beautiful emerald-green which Patrick compares with Teresa's eyes. It means it's brought other visitors to the beach but it's not too crowded and the family manage to find a spot with shade, nice sand and away from others, there's even rocks to climb. Patrick helps Teresa lay out the blanket and then he and Austin go back to the car for buckets and spades and wind breakers, all courtesy of Madeline. As they finish setting everything up Austin is removing his shoes and socks and pants. Teresa smiles at Patrick.

"I guess he wants in the water first."

She turns her attention to Austin.

"Just wait a moment while we get ready."

Patrick pulls off his shirt, kicks off his shoes and removes his trousers and socks. He grabs Austin by the hand and looks back as they run towards the ocean.

"We'll see you down there."

Teresa stops undressing Maddy while she watches her son's first taste of the sea. They stop as they near the water, and Patrick bends down and says something, they both turn around and give a big wave and then turning back run as fast as Austin is able straight into the water and jump over the wave hitting the shore. She can hear Austin's laugh as it's carries towards her on the breeze.

Patrick steels himself and then bends down and suggests to Austin that they turn and wave to Mommy and Maddy and then run in. Austin starts to turn around, which Patrick takes as an agreement, and they both wave and then taking Austin's hand they run in to the water. It's warm but Austin still shrieks with delight as his feet feel the water on his toes. A wave is coming towards them and they jump over it. Patrick looks down at his son's face, taking delight in his pleasure, firmly pushing back any memories fighting to surface. Today is about Austin and Maddy and making new memories with them. This is not something they did with him before, it's new and everything is true.

When Teresa makes it to the water, Patrick and Austin are a little further out, Patrick's holding Austin, to reassure him, as he floats in the water. He sees Teresa and after a word with Austin they both make their way towards them with Austin trying to run as fast as he can with the water pulling at his heels, Patrick is holding his hand, keeping him steady.

Teresa and Maddy are both in swimming costumes, and Teresa starts to walk towards them. Patrick's taken aback at how lovely she looks, the red is stunning on her and her figure is supple and firm. Her waist looks even smaller in the costume but there's nothing fragile about her, he admires the confidence she projects without being domineering, there's a warmth about her that he's finding irresistable.

Patrick turns to Austin.

"Why don't you take Mommy into the deeper water and I'll stay here with Maddy."

Patrick takes Maddy off of Teresa, and as she and Austin move further into the water, Patrick places Maddy on to her feet, holding her hands. She lifts up her feet as they touch the water and he takes her weight. She tries one foot down then the other, lifting up her first foot. Patrick holds her there and finally she keeps both feet in the water. She leans her head back and looks up at Patrick.

"Are you in the water?"

She beams at him. She starts walking further in, he allows her a few steps and then he sits down in the water, changing his hold on to her hips. Maddy kicks the water giggling. She, then falls back on to him. He moves her so she's sat in the water and allowing the waves to wash over her. He hears Austin calling him and he looks up to see him and Teresa waving. He waves back and then points them out to Maddy, it takes her a few moments to find them but when she does she breaks out into another smile and stands up and Patrick just manages to stop her lurching forward after them. He scoops her up and they head towards them, Teresa and Austin move to shorten the gap. They swap kids and Patrick and Austin go deeper as Teresa takes Maddy back to get her dried and lunch ready.


	19. Chapter 19

Patrick and Teresa break out in applause, which causes Maddy to join in. Patrick messes Austin's hair.

"Well done Son, that's perfect."

Austin's beaming at his parents. It's taken six attempts for Austin to make the perfect sandcastle on his own. He found taking the bucket off tricky but he wouldn't allow his Daddy to help him. He wasn't happy that the full bucket was too heavy for him to lift and that Patrick had to do it. They spend the next hour making a castle. Teresa watches Patrick carefully, he seems to be doing fine, and he's laughing easily with his son, but she's not fooled. She's experienced in knowing how well her husband can cover his feelings. She can see the slight tightness around his eyes.

Finally Austin begins to tire of playing in the sand. Maddy fell asleep while they were playing and is now beginning to wake. Teresa throws out a suggestion:

"How about a walk along the beach."

Patrick jumps up.

"That sounds a great idea."

Austin throws down his bucket and stands and jumps up and down, clapping his hands.

"Yeaaaa"

They gather everything up and Patrick takes the cooler and windbreakers to the car and brings down the stroller. They pile everything else on to it, Patrick pushes it, while Teresa carries Maddy. Austin holds on to the stroller. Once they are on the compacted sand Teresa puts Maddy in the stroller and takes Austin's hand. They haven't gone far before Austin takes a bucket and starts collecting shells. Patrick spies an ice-cream truck. They sit at a table near the ice-cream truck, licking on their cones and inspecting Austin's shell collection. Teresa shakes her head as ice-cream is dribbling down Austin and Patrick's chin as they have a 'no licking their lips' competition. Finally at the last bite Patrick's tongue comes out and licks at the ice-cream on his chin.

"I won Daddy"

Patrick sinks his head into his arms.

"Oh no!"

Teresa gives Austin a kiss.

"Well done Son, Now let's get you cleaned up."

Teresa goes in to the diaper bag for some wipes.

"No, no Mommy. I can do it."

She looks up to see him wipe his chin with his hand and then give his hand a big lick. Patrick laughs. Teresa gives him a look and hands him the wipes.

"Here, wipe his hands and his chin or they'll be sticky, and yourself too."

He looks at Austin and then back at Teresa giving her a salute.

"Yes Ma'am."

Austin giggles and copies the salute. After they're finished Patrick whispers in Austin's ears. Austin's eyes sparkle and he nods vigorously.

They both stand up and Patrick takes his hand.

"Race you back to the car."

They take off before Teresa has the chance to say anything. She watches them for a few moments and then takes the wipes back and cleans Maddy and sets off back. When she gets back to where they came in Patrick and Austin are sitting on the rocks. They wave to her and Austin shouts down.

"We won you Mommy."

"Yes you did, well done."

Patrick helps Austin down.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have left you with everything."

Teresa reassures him.

"No problem."

"Here, let me push her to the car, there's a steep slope around the other side of these rocks I can get the stroller up."

Teresa moves allowing Patrick to take her place and she and Austin climb the steps. Austin looks back.

"Race you Daddy."

It's not long before Austin is fast asleep. Teresa looks at him through the rear view mirror.

"He had a great day today."

Patrick nods.

"Yes he did, and so did I. How about you?"

"It was a lot of fun. Thank you. I know it was hard for you but you did a great job."

Patrick opens his mouth to protest but she shuts him down.

"No use denying it, I know you too well. How are you now?"

Patrick's eyes twinkle at her.

"Perhaps you should tell me."

Teresa looks sideways at him and sees his teasing expression.

"Looks like you're doing pretty good."

Patrick becomes serious.

"There were times when it was difficult, but I think there's a lot of you in Austin which made the experience of teaching him easier. It must be where he gets his stubbornness from."

"It's called tenacity, and like there's no stubborness in Patrick Jane."

He turns to look at her in mock horror but as his eyes compute the scene he sees out of her window it turns to terror."

"Watch out Teresa!"

She doesn't have time to react as there's a bang and the car shudders violently and it's pushed sideways across the road. Patrick feels himself being thrown violently by the forces being applied, A pain explodes in his head then the car come to a halt. All seem black at first but then his eyes clear, steam's coming from the engine. He looks to his side and Teresa's eyes are closed. He unfastens his seat belt and moves gingerly towards her at first, but with more confidence as he realises he has no serious injuries. She begins to moan.

"Teresa, are you all right? Wake up."

She blinks her eyes and groans again. Then her eyes are open and she turns to look at him. There's blood down the side of her face. He takes out a handkerchief and gently presses it against the gash."

He looks towards the back of the car. The back door took the brunt of the force, where Austin was sitting, he can only see the shattered window. His eyes move to the centre of the car. Austin's chair's wedge between the back of the front and back seats. All he can see is the back of the chair, he can't see Austin. He calls his name as he looks towards Maddy. He knows she alive because she's screaming, she seems fine, physically, from what he can see, she moving her limbs. There's no response from Austin.

Patrick's panicked tone brings Teresa out of her stupor.

"The children?"

Patrick turns his attention back to her.

"Maddy, I think's fine, I need to check on Austin. I'm not able to see him, his chairs facing downwards, wedged between the seats."

He takes out his phone and starts to dial nine, one, one, he looks at Teresa.

"Where are we?"

She holds out her hand.

"I'll talk to them, check on Austin."

She tries to turn to look but cries out in pain. Patrick looks at her.

"What hurts?"

"My side. Check on Austin."

He hands her his handkerchief.

"Hold this against your head."

He points to the cut.

"It's bleeding."

He turns and jumps out the car. As he races around to the other side he becomes aware of the other vehicle that hit them, the front is a mess and a man's slumped at the wheel. There's nothing he can do for him right now. As he looks down the road, there are no other cars.

He grabs the handle of the back door but it's stuck. He sets his feet and pulls hard but it's no good. He runs back to the passenger side and that door opens easily. Maddy's still screaming. He unfastens her chair while trying to console her and sets on her on the grass verge. As he gets back in the car, he sees Teresa's finished on the phone.

"Can you get out the car? It's not safe to stay inside"

She shakes her head.

"No, the door's stuck, I've tried."

"Okay, I'll see what I can do in a minute."

"Help is on the way."

Jane lifts Austin's car seat as gently as he can, and sets it on the seat. There's blood all down Austin's face and he's unconscious. Patrick feels for a pulse and the relief when he finds one sends his legs to jelly. It's faint though.

"He alive."

He sees Teresa close her eyes and let out a breath.

He unfastens the belt keeping Austin strapped in the chair and lifts him gently out. He lays him down besides Maddy. He can see that his arm's broken. He rushes to the trunk, he opens it and looks inside. His eyes searching the items, but he can't remember what he's looking for. He stops and takes a deep breath, calming himself, then it comes to him, the blanket.

As he pulls it out the trunk he's aware of someone pulling up behind him, but he doesn't stop to look but races back to Austin. Maddy's still screaming and he coos to her and strokes her face, but to no avail. He gently lifts Austin and is wrapping him in a blanket when someone speaks to him.

"Can I help?"

He looks up to find a woman crouched in front of him.

"My wife's still in the car."

"My husband's helping her. Can I help with the baby?"

He looks at her and across at Maddy, who's now giving choking sobs."

He nods his head. The motion causes his head to swim and he closes his eyes against it. When he opens them again, he looks down at Austin's motionless body, lying in his arms. His face is white, except for the blood. He hears sirens and looks around him at the carnage, the flashing lights of a police car pulling to a stop, the woman next to him, holding Maddy on her shoulder, rubbing her back. He can see Teresa still in the car, probably frantic about the children. He wants to scream.


	20. Chapter 20

Patrick finishes changing Maddy's diaper and takes her into his arms. He holds her close and strokes her hair. She's perfectly fine. The car seat did its job and protected her. He took her from the Good Samaritan when Austin was pried out of his arms by the paramedics. She was still sobbing but calmed down after a few minutes as he rocked her and talked soothingly to her while he surveyed the scene. Although he was functioning, he was stunned by events as he looked at the horror.

The car was a mess, firemen cutting through the door and roof to get Teresa out. He knows she must be frantic about Austin, he's been unable to get near her and could only send a message to say he was unconscious and his arm's broken. He eyes moved from the car to Austin laying on a stretcher just a few feet away, looking so small, as three adults, in reflective gear, work on him. He can tell they're worried, their movements are smooth and well-rehearsed but their voices are frantic. He can't stop looking at his pale face. A gentle hand touched his arm, tearing his attention away from Austin fleetingly, as they raised the gurney ready to move in to the ambulance.

"Come ride with your son, and I need to take a look at you, you have some cuts that need taken care of."

He glanced down at the woman, a paramedic, who, he realised, had been helping Austin, he hadn't notice her move. She took his arm, encouraging him.

"You don't need to worry about me."

"Come, Mr. Jane is it.?"

He nodded.

He'd been put in a cubicle while his cuts were cleaned and bandaids applied, Maddy was checked over. It was a relief to hear she's perfectly fine. The nurse left to check on Teresa and Austin while he changed Maddy.

He paces the cubicle a couple of times but then can't take it anymore and steps outside. As he looks around the nurse is heading towards him, she has a clipboard in her hand. She gives him that false cheery smile.

"Let's go back inside, I need to ask you a few questions. We need a history on Austin."

"How is he? How's Teresa?"

"The doctor's still working on Austin, they're doing tests. He's still unconscious."

He shakes his head, his stomach twisting.

"That's not good is it?"

"No point in jumping to conclusions."

And how about Teresa?"

"Teresa was brought in just a few minutes ago, I will check on her when we're done here."

She invites him to sit down and he feels compelled to obey. He shifts Maddy to the other shoulder and sits on the edge of the bed. She pulls up a chair, crosses her legs and settles the clipboard on her knee. Patrick can see paper attached to it.

"Now we need Austin's information. What's his full name?"

Patrick looks at her, filling with panic, fighting to remember.

"Mr. Jane, What's Austin's middle name?"

Finally he shakes his head and looks down feeling deep shame.

"I don't know, I don't remember, you need to ask his Mother."

She looks at him puzzled but goes on to the next question.

"What's his address?"

Relief momentarily fills Patrick, this one he can answer, he'd memorised it from a bill he found on the kitchen counter.

"His date of birth?"

Patrick shakes his head.

"You don't know? I'm sorry I took you to be the father, I'm sorry if I was wrong"

Patrick shakes his head again. Maddy begins to squirm and he kisses her on the cheek and rubs her back. He looks at the nurse.

"I..I..I was shot in the head a couple of months ago and I can't remember anything of the past twenty years."

Despite her training the nurse can't hide her shock and for a moment wonders if he can really be telling the truth, but she doesn't think the emotions playing out on his face, a mixture of anguish and shame, are falsified. She can feel herself turning red.

"I'm sorry Mr. Jane. I will get the information from your wife."

He gives her a tight smile.

"No need to be sorry, there's no way you could've known without me telling you."

She stands up to leave, Jane stops her.

"Please, when can I see my son?"

She places a comforting hand on his arm.

"I'll be back as soon as possible."

Then she's gone and Jane slumps back on the bed.

Maddy's asleep in his arms when the curtains move once more but this time it's a doctor who enters the cubicle. He extends his hand.

"Mr. Jane, my names Doctor Haveland, and I've been treating your son."

Patrick stands up and takes the offered hand.

"Can I see him?"

" He's hasn't regained consciousness, and a scan reveals bleeding in his brain, he's being prepped for surgery. You can see him for just a moment before he goes up."

"Will he be okay?"

"Doctor Camford is performing the surgery, and she won't know until she gets in there, but she's hopeful she can repair whatever is bleeding. She's an excellent surgeon, you can trust her. What the long-term effects will be, we won't know until he wakes up. But it's one step at a time."

"If she can't repair the bleeding?"

Jane closes his eyes knowing the answer to his own question. Almost without thinking he touches his own scar. His eyes pop open.

"Does my wife know?"

The doctor shakes his head.

"Not yet, her doctor thinks it's not wise, she's being prepped for surgery too. She has a small tear in her right kidney. It's a delicate operation but almost always successful in someone as healthy as your wife."

The doctor looks at Patrick's stricken face, and at the baby in his arms.

"Is there anyone we can call to be with you and the baby?"

Patrick starts to shake his head, but then thinks of Madeline

"Yes, we're staying with an old friend."

"What's her number?"

"I'll call her."

"Okay. But we're happy to do it for you."

The doctor stands up.

"Come see Austin."

As he enter Austin's room, a nurse offers to take Maddy, he passes her over and moves next to the bed. Austin looks so small and his face is almost white. A bruise forming on the side of his face stands out against the paleness, but he looks peaceful, as if he's fast asleep. Patrick wishes he could pretend that he is. The thought hits him that this is how Austin could be for the rest of his life. His heart aches at the thought that those bright eyes, always full of life and with a spark of mischief, could be forever closed. He reaches out and caresses his face and bends down close to his ear, he whispers, not wanting to be overheard.

"I know you're fighting Austin, I know you don't want to stay where ever it is you've gone. I know you want to build sandcastles again, you're so good at it and one day, I will show you how to build one like a princess castle for Maddy. I love you Austin, and Mommy loves you too, and we're waiting for you to return to us, so make sure you do that. When the time is right, when you feel strong enough, return to us."

People enter the room and the nurse standing by with Maddy moves towards Patrick.

"It's time to take him up. I will show you where you can wait for him and your wife."

As hands grab at the bed, Patrick takes Austin's hand that's lying on the sheet.

"Can I walk up with him?"

The nurse shakes her head.

"I'm sorry but that's not possible, come with me and I'll show you where you can wait."

He turns and leans over the bed, making the porters and nurses stop, he gives Austin a kiss and stands back up and watches as they wheel him away. The nurse touches his arm.

"This way Mr. Jane."

His arms suddenly feeling empty, and he takes Maddy back, then follows her mindlessly. When she stops walking down corridors and she points to some chairs. Jane thanks her and sits down. His eyes close momentarily as fatigue, caused by stress and worry, drag them closed, but then his phone rings.


	21. Chapter 21

Patrick looks up at the sound of footsteps, Madeline is coming his way. She takes the chair next to him and puts her hand on his arm.

"No word?"

He shakes his head. His face shows every minute of worry that he's spent since the accident, the depth of his sorrow laying heavy in his eyes, his fragility radiating from him, she's afraid he'll collapse when he stands up. She hears a sound coming from the other side of him. He turns towards it. Looking past him she can see Maddy laying on a blanket on the chair beside him. She beginning to stretch her limbs and he picks her up.

"Shall I take her for you Patrick?"

He looks at her as if he doesn't understand the question. She holds out her arms.

"Let me take her. I'll look after her for you."

He shakes his head, lays her on his shoulder and leans back, straightening his legs in front of him, he feet crossed and he closes his eyes.

He knows he's probably being rude. She's here because of him, in response to his call, but he can't cope with conversation, he can't talk about 'what happened'. He can't bear to listen to words of comfort that are meaningless. He can't bear the idea of losing again.

His thoughts switch between the grave stones of Charlotte and Angela and gravestones of Teresa and Austin. He barely knows them, sometimes he feels his living in a fantasy and that he'll wake up and there will be the life he recognises, the life he has a connection to, his real family.

But the pain in his heart is real. It's suffocating, it's hindering his ability to breathe, he wants to dig it out, to not feel anything. This is all he has, these people are all he knows. Does he love them? He cares for them, he recognises that. His mind rushing through the activities of the day, he enjoyed it, he enjoys being with them, it isn't hard to respond to the love he sees in Austin's eyes, Teresa's…The pain grabs him again. He can't lose again. Maddy stirs , turning her head towards him, he can feel her breath on his neck, as if she's reminding him that she's still here. He has her, he tightens his hold on her and concentrates his thoughts on the feel of that gentle breath warming his skin, the weight of her sleepy body on his own, the smell of sand and sea mingled in her hair. He turns his head and kisses her cheek, her mouth forms in to a smile, her eyes still closed, tears spring to his eyes. He hears Madeline next to him, he'd forgotten she was there.

"Patrick."

At the same time he hears footsteps, he opens his eyes and a doctor in scrubs, Asian, Indian Patrick guesses, tall and thin, is coming towards him.

"Are you Mr. Jane? Please don't stand up."

Patrick nods his head and sits up straight in the chair.

"My names Doctor Parquet. I operated on your wife. I've repaired the tear, which went very well, and I'm confident it will hold. We're giving her blood and her kidney shows every sign of working as it should. Your wife should be fine. She's still in recovery but will be going to intensive care for the rest of the night and if everything goes as it should she'll be moved to a regular ward in the morning."

"Does she know about Austin, her son?"

The doctor shakes his head.

"No, not yet."

"When she's settled into her room you can see her."

"How can I leave? Will Doctor Camford know where to find me?"

He feels a hand on his arm and turns to Madeline.

"I'll sit with her Patrick, is that all right Doctor?"

"It's usually just family in intensive care."

"There isn't anyone else"

The doctor nods his head.

"A nurse will come and let you know."

As the doctor walks away Patrick expresses his thanks to Madeline.

"You're welcome. I don't think they will allow babies in there, will you be all right will Maddy?"

She picks up a bag lying at her feet.

"I brought extra clothes, bottles and some food."

Patrick smiles fleetingly at her, in juxtaposition to the sadness in his eyes, his voice is flat.

"Thank you, that was very thoughtful of you."

"If she wakes up, what do you want me to say to her about Austin."

Patrick shrugs, and moves Maddy to his other shoulder.

"Tell her he's in surgery and that I'll come see her as soon as I know anything."

A nurse is heading towards them and she stands up and Patrick follows.

"Let me take Maddy home with me, I'll bring her back in the morning."

"She doesn't like the strange cot."

"Let me worry about that, you have enough to worry about."

He nods absent mindedly as his attention is now on the nurse standing in front of them.

"What room is she in?"

"Room 207. I'll make sure the staff know your situation Mr. Jane. They'll let you in, whatever the time."

"Thank you."

The nurse indicates for Madeline to follow and as they leave Patrick sits back down. It feels cold on his left side, he barely gave Madeline any attention but now she's gone he misses the company, the feeling of not being alone. Maddy moves her head as if to remind him once more that he's not alone. He lays his hand gently on her head and gives her a kiss.

He leans back and stretches out as before and closes his eyes, thinking of Madeline walking in to Teresa's room, is she awake, is she asking about Austin, about him.

Madeline follows the nurse up the elevator to the second floor. The nurse squirts her hands with sanitizer and Madeline follows suit. They enter intensive care. There's a large nurses station with the rooms around the edges, circling it. The walls of the rooms are of glass allowing the nurses to have eyes on their patients at all times. Madeline notices that all the rooms she passes are occupied. Because of the glass she sees Teresa before entering the room, her eyes are closed and her dark lashes stand out against the pale skin. There's bruising and stitches on the left side of her face. There are leads snaking out from under the covers, leading to machines surrounding the bed. An IV's attached to her right arm. The nurse indicates for her to enter before leaving. Madeline opens the door.

Teresa opens her eyes to the sound, though obviously still under the influence of the anesthesia drugs. She looks at Madeline with a puzzled expression, obviously not who she was expecting to see. Madeline walks towards the bed and smiles.

"Hi Teresa."

Clarity comes and Teresa smiles weakly.

"Where's Patrick? Where's my children?"

"It's okay Teresa, Maddy's with Patrick, fast asleep on his shoulder, Austin's in surgery and Patrick's waiting for news, he said he'll come see you as soon as he knows anything."

Suddenly tears form in Teresa's eyes.

"It's his brain isn't it?"

Madeline shakes her head.

"I don't know, I don't have any details, Patrick just told me about the accident that you and Austin were in surgery, and I said I would be right there. He wasn't in a talkative mood while we were waiting."

"How's he doing?"

"He's keeping it together."

"I didn't see it, it came from nowhere, we were just talking and then there was this bang…"

Madeline rubs her arm.

"It's okay Teresa,"

Teresa shakes her head.

"They said he hadn't regained consciousness, I saw the blood trickling down his face in the rear view mirror, as Patrick pulled him out, its his brain, he could be damaged, even if he lives he may not be the same Austin."

"There's no point worry about that, be positive, he needs his mom to be positive, and get stronger, so she can be with him."

"Look what happened to Patrick. I can believe I'm here again, worrying about the same things but this time….my little boy…"

Madeline can find nothing to say, she hands Teresa a tissue and takes her hand and squeezes it. Teresa wipes at her eyes and give Madeline a grateful smile and closes her eyes.

Unable to sit any longer, Patrick's pacing up and down, fighting a ridiculous urge to flee, to not be here anymore. Escape the worry, the dread, the heaving weight on his shoulders and the pain crushing him from within. As he turns once more a doctor is standing in front of him. A woman, who, he figures is five foot two at the most, athletic build, flaming red hair. Nothing like he'd imagined her.

"Mr. Jane, I'm Doctor Camford."

"How is he?"

He searches her face looking for the answer, for any indication of his condition.

"He's alive Mr Jane. Why don't we sit down."

She guides him over to the chairs without touching him and they both sit down.

"I've stopped the bleeding and I have inserted a shunt to drain off the rest of the blood. There was a substantial amount of bleeding, the results of which will not be known until he wakes up. He's a strong little boy, and is holding his own. He's on a respirator, so prepare yourself for that."

"I can see him?"

"Of course. You can stay as long as you like."

"I need to let my wife know. She's in intensive care."


	22. Chapter 22

Patrick's standing by Austin's bed, Maddy, still sleeping, resting on his shoulder. She's becoming heavy but he loves the feel of her weight against him, letting him know she's there. As he looks on Austin what strikes him the most is how still he is. One thing he's learnt about Austin is that he's never still, on his lap while reading a story, he's fidgeting and when asleep he moves from one end of the bed to the other, but he hasn't moved a muscle in the five minutes Jane's been watching him. He understands it's the drugs given him to prevent him from dislodging the respirator, but there's a dread in him that Austin may never wake up. He's touching his hand, it's warm and soft and small, evidence of sand under his fingernails. He closes his eyes against the pain, the memories of their day cause, to smash into his chest and take his breath away.

He turns sharply as he hears the door open and the room spins, he quickly sits down in the chair behind him, letting go of Austin to steady Maddy as he does so. The nurse that's entered the room looks to him with concern.

"Are you okay, Mr. Jane?"

"I'm fine, just a little dizzy."

"I'm not surprised, you look dead on your feet. Would you like me to have a cot brought in so you can sleep."

"That would be great. Could I have a crib for Maddy too?"

"Is there no-one who can take her for you?"

"We are staying at a friend's house but she doesn't like the strange cot and has been up in the night. If she's here it's one less thing to worry about."

She looks kindly on the shattered man before her as she checks Austin's i.v.

"I'll see what I can do."

He attempts a smile.

"Thank you. I need to go see my wife."

He stands up. The nurse steps towards him, her arms outstretched.

"They won't allow your daughter in intensive care. Give her to me and we'll look after her until you come back."

"Surely, you're very busy."

"It's break time, so we can take turns until you get back."

He reluctantly hands her over, Maddy doesn't register the move, as Patrick feels deserted. He takes Austin's hand and leans over to whisper in his ear.

"I'm just going to see mommy, I'll be back as soon as possible. Keep fighting."

He kisses his forehead and runs his fingers through his fringe before straightening up. He gives his hand one final squeeze and then leaves the room. As he's making his way to Teresa's room, his thoughts are occupied with an image that came to his mind as he turned towards the door, he can't quite recapture it. As he exits the elevator he pushes it to one side, determining to let it come back on it's own, hoping it's not gone forever.

He almost bumps in to Madeline.

"Oh Patrick, how is he?"

"He's unconscious, holding his own, the doctor says it's a waiting game."

"Teresa's very anxious, waiting for you."

She sees his empty arms.

"Where's Maddy."

"The nurses on Austin's floor are looking after her. Thank you for offering to take her but I will feel better if she's with me tonight, she really doesn't like strange cribs."

"Okay, are you sure?"

Patrick touches her arm.

"I'll be fine, but if you could come get her in the morning, that would be helpful."

She pats his hand still resting on her arm.

"Of course. Good luck, and I hope Austin wakes up soon."

She kisses him on the cheek and Patrick watches as she enters the elevator and then he turns for Teresa's room.

He stops in front of the window to her room. Her eyes are closed, her skin pale, her features tight against the pain. He can tell she's not asleep, her whole demeanor is screaming worry, and more, for her son. She looks small in the while sheets. He opens the door and enters, she opens her eyes immediately and struggles to sit up, her face wincing with the pain it's causing. He rushes to her side.

"No, no, you don't have to sit up for me, stay where you are."

"How is he? How's Austin."

Patrick takes her hand without realising what he's doing, he just knows she needs comfort.

"He came through the surgery. He was bleeding but that's been repaired and there's a shunt inserted to drain off the remaining fluid."

"Is he awake, because if he's awake you should be with him."

Patrick shakes his head.

"He's still unconscious, the doctor doesn't know when he'll wake up, or.."

He stops as he sees the fear cross Teresa's face.

"They think he's brain-damaged, don't they?"

He sits on the edge of the bed, and reaches out to stroke her hair.

"They don't know. They won't know until he wakes up.

She hasn't missed his tender displays, his touch is soothing. Is he reaching out to me because of love or because of need. He looks exhausted. She voices that thought.

"You look exhausted"

Patrick shrugs.

"I'll be alright, they're putting a cot down for me in Austin's room, also a crib for Maddy."

Teresa's eyes widen in shock and guilt.

"Maddy! Where is she? They said she was all right, is she all right?"

She shakes her head.

"I've been so worried about Austin.."

Patrick cuts her off.

"It's okay, you're dealing with a lot right now. Maddy's fine, not a scratch. She's fast asleep with the nurses on Austin's floor."

"Let Madeline take her."

"She offered, but Maddy hasn't been sleeping very well and I will worry about her less if she's with me. I told Madeline to come get her in the morning."

His hand is still in hers and she's stroking it with her thumb.

"How about you? How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, a few cuts but that's all. Thank you for asking."

They stare at each other for a few moments, then Patrick breaks eye contact and removes his hand from hers while standing up.

"I need to get back to Austin and Maddy."

Teresa nods.

"Give them each a big kiss and hug from me."

"I will. You do as the nurses and doctors tell you and you'll soon be able to give them a kiss yourself."

Suddenly tears spring to her eyes and the pain returns like a heavy lump in her heart.

"He has to be all right, he has to be."

Patrick tries to give her a reassuring smile.

"Then I'm sure he will be, who can deny you anything."

He returns to Austin's room to find Maddy asleep in a crib, a nurse watching over her and a cot already set up with a pillow and blanket laying on top. He gives the nurse a polite grateful smile.

"Thank you."

The nurse stands up.

"It's been a pleasure, she hasn't woken up once."

She gives Austin a once over before leaving the room. She looks back from the door.

"Get some sleep, Mr. Jane."

"Please call me Patrick."

She smiles at him.

"Okay, Patrick, get some sleep."

He goes over to Maddy to reassure himself that she is indeed still asleep. He takes a moment to stroke her hair and cheek, and then gives her a kiss.

"That's from Mommy, she misses you very much."

He walks over to Austin and repeats the same gestures.

"That's from Mommy, she's very worried about you, and wants to be with you. But she's hurt too. Fight hard for her Austin."

He sits wearily in the chair and takes a hold of Austin's hand and begins to tell him a story.

It's late when he enters the house, the lights are off and everyone's in bed. It looks like Charlotte went to the park on her bike, judging by the leaves and grass caught on the wheels. He pushes the it out of the way after dropping his keys and mail on the table. He makes his way up the stairs. He sees something on the door of his bedroom, it's a note. As he gets closer he can make out a symbol that turns his blood cold. He takes a deep breath, suppressing the urge to run away, knowing he has no choice but to open the door. His body's trembling as he pushes the door open, his heart twist as the face on the wall, he looks towards the bed and all he can see is blood and bodies. A little body is lying face down on the bed, he recognises it immediately, he turns it over in the hope that something can be done, that death hasn't happened yet but Austin's blue eyes are staring lifeless up at him.

He jerks awake, his attention drawn by Maddy's restlessness in the crib, his takes deep steadying breaths, it was only a dream.


	23. Chapter 23

He sits down with Maddy back on his shoulder. His body's stiffened while asleep and is complaining about the beating it got during the crash, movement is painful. He, also, has no desire to sleep, he doesn't want to go back to that dream, the images still invade his mind. All the blood, Austin's lifeless eyes, Angela's body torn apart. He stands up, his body protesting, and paces the room, trying to distract himself. Maddy lifts up her head at the movement and looks up at him, her eyes heavy with sleep. She reaches out her hand and touches his lips, then retracts it, places it under her body and settles her head back down and closes her eyes. He strokes her hair and rocks her up and down. He walks towards the bed and takes Austin's hand, he plays gently with his fingers, but there's no response from him. He sits back down in to the chair.

The door opens and a nurse walks in. She's been coming in during the night, checking read outs and taking blood pressure readings. She smiles at him.

"Good morning Mr. Jane. Did you get much sleep?"

"Not really."

He looks towards Austin and she understands and her gaze moves to Maddy.

"She seems to sleep well."

"As long as she's in my arms, she doesn't like strange cribs."

She nods.

"You should try and get more when you can. A day can seem very long in a hospital."

He smiles at her.

"Il will."

His phone rings at seven, it's Madeline. He reports no change, she says she'll be there in half an hour with breakfast and will take Maddy home with her. When he takes a look at her, the noise of the phone has woken her and her eyes are open staring up at him, as he meets her eyes she smiles. He says goodbye explaining that Maddy needs him and moves her so she's sitting on his lap. He searches through the bag that Madeline brought the day before and finds an empty bottle. He stands up with her and goes to the nurse's station in search of milk.

As she's finishing the last of the milk, the doctor enters the room. She nods at Patrick,

"Good morning Mr. Jane."

"Please call me Patrick."

She has Austin's chart in her hands and turns her attention to the information within. Jane places Maddy on his shoulder and rubs her back as he watches the doctor's face. She looks at him and smiles.

"He's doing very well, the surgery's been a success, it's just a matter of waiting for him to wake up."

She moves a chair that's against the wall and places it next to him and sits down.

"How are you doing Patrick?"

"I'm fine Doctor."

She studies him for a moment, and reaches out and rubs Maddy on the back.

"She's a sweetheart. I'm going to prescribe you some painkillers."

"I said I was fine."

Maddy's turned to look at her and the doctor smiles and coos.

"I know, and you don't have to take them, but accidents, even when you appear to come out unscathed, have a way of biting you back the next day."

She pats Maddy.

"Our bodies are not as forgiving as a young one."

Patrick gives a slight nod.

"I'm ordering a CAT scan for this afternoon, we should get a better picture than we did yesterday."

She stands up and Patrick looks up at her.

"Thank you."

They both look to the door as it opens and Madeline enters and immediately starts to back out, apologetically, upon seeing the doctor.

"I'm sorry, I'll wait…"

The doctor interrupts her.

"It's okay, I'm finished here, please come in."

She takes one more look at Austin and at Patrick.

"I'll be back before lunch."

She smiles at Madeline as they pass. Madeline moves towards Patrick and holds out her hands for Maddy and as Maddy reaches towards her, he hands her over.

"What did the doctor say?"

Patrick's taken Austin's hand and is rubbing it.

"The surgery was a success and it's wait and see when he wakes up. She's ordering a CAT scan for this afternoon."

"How was your night? You look awful."

He shrugs:

"I'll be fine. Do you mind watching Maddy while I go see Teresa?"

"Of course not."

"I have breakfast."

"I'll eat when I get back. Maddy's had some milk but she'll still be hungry."

"I'll see to it. Send Teresa my love."

Teresa's anxiously looking out for him as he walks by the window. She notices that he looks even worse than the evening before. It makes her heart sink.

"There's something wrong."

Patrick looks at her in surprise and shakes his head.

"No, Austin's fine. He hasn't woken up yet, but the doctor's pleased with the surgery. She's ordered a scan for this afternoon."

He sits down on the chair.

"Didn't you sleep well last night?"

He gives her a tired smile.

"I really do look that bad?"

"Yes. I'm worried about you, you've not long since been through the trauma of the shooting.."

He waves her off.

"I should be asking you, don't worry about me, I'm just stiff from the accident and you know Maddy and unfamiliar cribs."

"Did you get any sleep at all?"

The memory of the nightmare flashes before his eyes and Lisbon sees it in his face.

"I got a little."

"There's something else."

"What do you mean?"

"I saw it in your eyes."

He looks at her and is about to deny it once more but she stops him.

"Tell me, I might be able to help you."

He looks at his hands, as her words spark memories in the cemetery when he said he wanted to remember, that he wanted her help. He looks at his hand as he drags his thumb across his palm and then looks back at her.

"I had a nightmare."

He's surprised when Teresa almost looks excited by the news.

"You did? What was it?"

Patrick looks at her, puzzled by her reaction.

"You're not going to like it."

"Just tell me Patrick. You spent many years being a bad sleeper because of nightmares."

"I entered a house and climbed the stairs to my bedroom…"

"Did you recognise the house?"

"It was my house in Malibu that Angela and I shared."

Teresa nods.

"There was a note on the door, it had the smiley face symbol on it. I opened the door and…"

Patrick's face fills with pain at the memory of what he found, he finds he's unable to speak the words. Teresa adds gently."

"You found Charlotte and Angela dead."

Patrick shakes his head.

"Angela and Austin."

The sound of her son's name shocks Teresa, but she stops herself from reacting and focuses on the importance of the dream.

"Do you know what you were dreaming about?"

"I understand that smiley face was Red John and that it seemed a lot like the description of the crime scene that I read in the file."

"You think you had this dream because of what you read in the file?"

"Of course."

"Tell me how were Angela and Austin laying?"

Patrick shakes his head.

"Teresa, I can't…"

"Trust me Patrick, it's important."

Patrick rubs his hands together as he answers.

"Angela was lying on her back in the middle of the bed, looking at Austin who was lying beside her, laying on her left arm that's stretched out underneath him."

Teresa reaches out and touches his arm.

"Patrick, that is not how Angela and Charlotte were in the crime scene report you read in the file."

"So?"

"But it is how you reported finding them in your statement, which I didn't include in the file I gave you. You had spent time hugging your daughter and your wife before calling the police. This isn't just a nightmare, this is a memory."

Just then the door opens and Teresa's doctor walks in. He nods towards Patrick as he walks to Teresa bedside.

"Good news, you're being moved to a regular ward, I've arranged it so you can be in the same ward as your son. Luckily they have a spare bed."

Tears spring to Teresa's eyes.

"Thank you doctor."

"Could I take her now to see Austin?"

"That's not possible there are procedures.."

Patrick interrupts.

"Doctor, her son is seriously injured, she's not seen him, or been able to touch him since the crash. She hasn't even been able to see her daughter. A friend is ready to take her home, she could miss seeing her altogether. I can bring her back here if you really need her here."

The doctor looks between the two and relents.

"Okay, I want her back in half and hour."

Teresa bursts into a smile.

"Thank you doctor."

Patrick points to the door.

"I'll go get a wheelchair."

By the time Patrick gets back, the doctor is gone and Teresa's sitting on the edge of the bed her dressing gown on that Madeline had thoughtfully brought the night before. She carefully gets down off the bed as he pushes it up close. She sways a little as her feet touch the floor and Patrick puts out a hand to steady her and keeps a hold of her as she lowers herself in to the chair.

They exit the elevator on to Austin's floor, as Patrick pushes the wheelchair out a picture flashes across his mind, and such a strong feeling of de ja vous it almost makes him lose his balance. Teresa, twists as best she can to look at him when he doesn't move, or reply to his name. She sees an odd expression on his face, and for the second time this morning she asks:

"Patrick are you all right?"

He pulls out of his stupor and looks at her..

"Teresa, has Austin been ill in hospital before?"

"Only when he was born, he had a breathing disorder and it was touch and go for a while."


	24. Chapter 24

Teresa tries to turn around to get a better look at him, but pain from her incision stops her. Patrick starts to propel her towards Austin's room.

"You've remembered something."

He turns her around so he can back in to the room.

"We'll talk about it later, right now you need to see your children."

Madeline is at the window with Maddy, and turns around at the sound of the door, she smiles.

"Teresa, how good to see you, how are you feeling?"

"I'm doing good, they're moving me to this ward and Patrick got them to let me see Austin for a few minutes."

"Well he's always been very persuasive."

She looks at Patrick who is standing impassive behind Teresa, but something seems off but Madeline can't put her finger on it. Maddy is squirming in her arms so she moves towards them both and hands her to Teresa, who has her arms open to receive her. She winces as she moves her to her shoulder and gives her a hug.

"Mommy missed you so much."

Teresa moves her to where she can look at her.

"Let me have a look at you."

She searches her face and arms and legs and is satisfied to see no bruises or cuts. She brings her in for a hug once more. Patrick moves around in front so he can take Maddy, Teresa gives her up reluctantly and with one hand he manages to manoeuvre the wheelchair besides Austin's bed.

"Can you help me up Patrick?"

He hands Maddy to Madeline and supports Teresa as she gets out of the chair, she moves to the head of the bed and looks down at her unconscious son. He looks peaceful except for the bandages and bruising. She reaches out and strokes his face, tears form in her eyes, he looks so small. She takes his hand and squeezes it.

"Austin, is Mommy, wake up sweetheart. Daddy's here too and we miss you."

Patrick has his arm against Teresa's back ready to help. Madeline slips out of the room, gesturing to Patrick she's changing Maddy's diaper. Teresa stays on her feet as long as she can but begins to sway, Patrick helps her back in the chair and moves her close enough so she can still hold Austin's hand. She indicates to Patrick to pull up a chair next to her, he does so.

She absent-mindedly stroking Austin's hand as she looks at Patrick.

"What have you remembered?"

A shadow crosses his face for a moment. He nods towards Austin.

"You only have a few minutes with him, we can talk about it later."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm just tired."

Teresa nods, there's no arguing with that, it's radiating from him.

"You should go home with Madeline and get some real rest"

"I sleep some more in the chair, I don't want to leave him alone. If he wakes up…"

Teresa nods, she knows he's right. She turns to her son.

"He has to be all right. I can't lose him."

The word 'too' hangs in the air. She looks back at Patrick.

Patrick enters Austin's room after taking Teresa back to ICU. She's expected to move before lunch.. Madeline has taken Maddy home with her. He stands at the bedside looking at his son, an image of a baby in an incubator flashes into his mind, he knows it's Austin. As he pushed Teresa to Austin's room he'd been overwhelmed with the feeling of familiarity, that they'd done this before. He traces Austin's hand with his finger, he closes his eyes and searches deep within himself, trying to find the feelings that he's lost. The feeling that Austin is his, but there's a brick wall there, and he just doesn't have the tools to knock it down.

He moves to the window and looks out across the parking lot to the city beyond. This place should be familiar to him, he lived here for over ten years, he buried his wife and daughter here. Images of the nightmare flash before him. He tries to push it away but it comes again, but more. There are bright lights, he's on tv. He talks about Red John, they love him, he's intoxicated by the applause. He drives home fast, excited to tell Angela about the night, about what the future holds.

He smiles as he takes the mail out of the mail box, all their years of marriage, Angela has never brought in the mail., it's a strange quirk of hers. He pushes the bike into the corner, the tassle swings and tickles his hand. The house is in darkness but Angela had promised to wait up until he returned. He feels the anticipation of what lies ahead. Then he sees the note, the smile on his lips quickly disappears at the sight of the famous calling card.

His mind can't compute what he's reading, it's some sick joke, it can't be true! And yet he can feel the tremor in his hand as he takes hold of the door knob, blood is rushing in his ears, his heart pounding. But it can't be true, it's just a sick joke. He feels himself take a deep breath and then pushes on the door. The smell hits him before the smiley face, his hand is gripping the door knob so tight his knuckles are white. He wills himself to let go and steps inside the room. Bile rushes in to his throat as he takes in the sight before him and the smell, he can feel it being absorbed in to his clothes and his skin, he's certain it will never wash out. He turns on his heels rushing to the bathroom, but doesn't make it in time, he braces himself against the wall as he empties his stomach. He wipes his mouth with his hand and walks back towards the door. A voice at the back of his mind telling him he needs to call the police, they could still be alive. That thought makes him break in to a run, slamming the door open and rushing to their side.

He turns away from the window hoping to stop the horrors in his mind, at the same time the nurse enters the room.

"Patrick are you all right?"

As she moves towards him, he uses her to steady himself and reign in the emotions flooding his systems. She takes his arm to guide him to his chair.

"You look like you've seen a ghost."

The remark almost sends him to his knees. She tightens her grip and he leans heavily on her as they make their way to the chair. She instructs him to lower his head and take deep breaths. She stays with him, encouraging him. He raises his head when he feels steadier, and she pours him some water, it's a trembling hand that takes it off her. She sits down beside him.

"Are you feeling better? Shall I get the doctor?"

He shakes his head.

"I'm fine, just tired."

"Are you sure?"

He nods his head and looks at her. He plants a smile on his face.

"I'll be fine, I'll close my eyes for a while."

She looks at him intently.

"Okay, make sure you do. I'll just check on Austin and then leave you alone."

"Thank you."

The nurse checks Austin's vitals, then moves to the window and closes the blinds, darkening the room. She looks at Patrick one more time. He nods his thanks once more and stretches out in the chair and closes his eyes. When the door closes, he can't hold himself together any longer and gives in to his grief.

He wakes up with a start as the door opens, the doctor, a nurse and a porter pile in.

"A spot opened up and we're taking Austin for his CAT scan."

Jane looks at his watch and it's just before noon. The medical staff quickly move Austin out of the room, the nurse is looking closely at Patrick and gives him a small smile.

"You stay here, we'll have him back in about an hour. Go visit your wife, she's being settled in to room 303."

He stares at the empty space no longer occupied by Austin's bed. He's surprised he'd fallen asleep, he knows it won't happen again, the dull ache in his chest will prevent it. At the acknowledgement of the pain, unwelcome and unbidden images flash into his mind once more. He doesn't want them, they're too hard to bare.

A nurse is leaving Teresa's room as Patrick gets there, leaving them alone. Teresa smiles at him, he smiles back.

"Welcome to the third floor. They've just taken Austin for his scan."

"Oh okay."

Patrick sees her disappointment.

"They said it will take an hour, just enough time for you to have your nutritious lunch, the carts making its rounds."

Just then the nurse enters with her food and while she gives it to Teresa, Patrick sits down heavily in the visitor chair. It doesn't go unnoticed by Teresa, and neither does the deep sigh. When the nurse leaves she turns to him and he's leaning over looking at his shoes, his hands clasped together, arms resting on his knees.

"Patrick?"

He slowly raises his head to look at her, he finds he hasn't the strength to hide.

"I've remembered…I remembered finding Angela and Charlotte, their bodies, the note."

He shakes his head.

"It was horrible."

Teresa doesn't find victory in the memory, one look at her tortured husband stops that.

"I know and I'm sorry Patrick."

He stands up abruptly, shaking his head and puts a hand up to halt her expressions of sympathy.

"Don't Teresa. He did that to them because of me, because of my arrogance, my fraud. I don't deserve your pity, I don't deserve you, or Maddy or Austin.


	25. Chapter 25

Teresa closes her eyes at his words. Weariness overwhelms her. Everything she's been through, first Patrick's injury, the stress and worry of waiting to know if she still had a husband. She did and then she didn't as he didn't remember her, their children, their life. Now the crash, her surgery, her pain, wearing her down, and Austin, above all Austin. Her lovely, daring, funny little boy, who makes her laugh, who asks questions about everything, who loves life with an energy she struggles to keep up with. He's pale and so very still, he could be lost to her forever. She feels tears behind her lashes and she hears Patrick say her name.

As she opens her eyes to look at him, the tears fall on to her cheeks. She can see the pain still there on his face, the horror in his eyes at the memories unleashed on him, mixed with exhaustion, she can also see the concern, concern for her. But instead of making her feel better it deflates her more. A part of her wants to help him, comfort him, a part wants to be angry, angry that he's back in the past, back with guilt and everything that brings with it. But everything just fizzles out in to nothing,

She's aware of Patrick moving towards her.

"No Patrick, leave me alone. "

She shakes her head again.

" I'm sorry, I can't deal with this. "

She feels more tears and hates herself for being weak.

" Go wait in Austin's room, I'll be there soon. "

Patrick stops in his tracks.

" Just go Patrick. "

He stares at her for a moment and then slips out the door. It opens almost immediately and a nurse takes one look at Teresa and is at her side. She hands her a tissue and sits down beside her, waiting as Teresa dries her eyes. Teresa turns to her with a weak smile.

'Thank you. I'm sorry. "

The nurse looks at her kindly. She's large woman and her eyes and smile instantly put Teresa at ease in a way unfamiliar to her.

" There's no need to apologise, you're dealing with a lot. Your son should be back on the ward in about half an hour and I will come and get you personally."

"Thank you again."

"It's no problem honey. You're looking strained, it's surprising how moving floors can take it out of you. Get some rest while you're waiting for Austin to return."

The nurse's kindness has her tearing up again and as she wipes at her eyes the nurse pats her arm.

"I have ears built for listening to all sorts of stuff. It might help you feel better. "

Teresa looks towards the door.

" I was very mean to my husband, who's going through a very difficult time and needs me. I may have pushed him away for good. "

" This is a stressful time for families, and he should be thinking of you. You're the one in the hospital bed. I'm sure he'll realise that and be back. "

That makes Teresa sit up with a start.

" Be back? Are you saying he's gone? "

" He was heading for the elevators, he's probably getting some fresh air. He'll be back, a father that devoted won't abandon his son. "

Teresa looks at the kind woman, despair in her eyes.

" He was shot in the head a few weeks ago. He doesn't remember me or his children. He woke up thinking he was still with his wife and daughter who were killed over fifteen years ago. We came back to California to visit their graves and he just told me he remembers finding them and he felt guilty, said he didn't deserve us and... and I pushed him away, I couldn't deal with it'"

"It sounds like you were fighting a battle long before you ended up in this hospital bed, no wonder you're exhausted and finding it difficult to cope. Don't be hard on yourself, I bet you've been dealing with it all by yourself. But not anymore it's my job to look after you and I will.

Horror hits Teresa at what the woman may mean and begins to protest but the nurse cuts her off.

"Don't worry yourself. Now rest some and I'll be back for you when Austin returns."

The nurse is opening the door before Teresa can collect herself to protest some more. She hears her call to her colleagues as the nurse closes the door.

"Janet I'll be back in a few minutes, we have a rogue husband. "

Teresa slumps against the pillows afraid of what might happen, but there is a spark of hope that her newfound ally might do some good.

As luck would have it, it doesn't take long for the nurse to find Patrick. A man like him turns heads and is memorable. She finds him on the roof looking over the city. He turns at the sound of her shoes on the cement, gives her a glance and turns back to the view. He's surprised when she parks herself next to him. He looks back at her and remembers her from the ward.

"Is Austin back already? "

She shakes her head.

" No, not yet. I'm here for another reason."

Panic registers in his eyes.

"Has something happened to Teresa?"

"No, she's fine. At least as fine as anyone can be with all she's going through, and a husband causing her more stress than she needs. "

Patrick keeps his gaze on the city view as her words cause a jolt of pain and guilt to spasm through his body, adding to his confusion. When he left her hospital room he had every intention of walking out of the hospital and never coming back, but inexplicably he found the elevator doors opening on to the roof and he's spent the time trying to make sense of the thoughts and feelings colliding with one another.

He understands clearly now why Angela and Charlotte are gone, how brutally they were murdered and his part in their deaths. When he arrived on the roof he cried for them, for himself, the pain in his chest feeling like his heart was being torn in to pieces. Images of his darling girls from their life together, playing out in his head, mixed with images of ravaged bodies, lifeless eyes and lots of blood.

Thoughts of jumping off the roof, soaring weightlessly towards Angela and Charlotte, before plummeting to his death flooded his mind but as he stared out at the city he found his feet cemented to the floor, he couldn't lift them up and place them over the barrier. He tried to force himself, but he knows what's stopping him. Austin, Maddy and Teresa. Their love for him is obvious. The cement paralysing his feet is made up of the weight of Maddy lying on his chest, her hand curling his hair around her fingers and her breath whispering against his neck. Austin lying still in the hospital bed, small and frail. Teresa's eyes sparkling at the beach as they played together as a happy family. The way she looked at him as he built the sandcastle with Austin filled him with warmth and an unexpected longing. He searched his soul, his memory palace trying to find reasons for their hold over him, searching for past memories to knit with his new ones. He zero's in on his memory of Austin in hospital, what had Teresa said? He had breathing problems, Teresa was in hospital too, he was pushing her to see him. It must be at Austin's birth. A pivotal time in their relationship, the birth of their first child. Anticipated with such joy and excitement, mixed with some fear, no doubt, for him, after losing one child. A fear brought to reality as Austin lay between life and death. Then the images came. A baby in an incubator, leads attached to its frail body, its tiny fingers curling around his own. The name on the identity tag, Austin Jane. Accompanying them fleeting feelings of despair and worry. He's tried to find more, but his stubborn mind won't open up.

"Mr. Jane!"

He's pulled out of his thoughts with a start, as he looks at the nurse glaring at him, he half expects her to hit him, and moves away an inch. The move doesn't go unnoticed and she glares at him some more, shaking her head.

"Mr. Jane, you're needed downstairs. I don't take too kindly to husbands leaving my patients in tears. Your job is to support and encourage, not add to their burdens."

She holds her hand up silencing him as he starts to speak.

"I don't want to hear your excuses, I can see you're tired, and anxious, and that you have a lot on your mind, but right now, you need to deal with what's in front of you. A wife who's recovering from a serious operation and is in an extremely vulnerable state, a little boy who needs his daddy, who needs you. They both need you."

She looks at her watch.

"Austin will be just about finished, I promised to take your wife to him when he returned, I sincerely hope that you will come too."

The nurse walks off while Patrick watches her go. As she stands in the lift waiting for the doors to go he moves towards her.

"Wait."

She holds the button to stop the doors closing while he catches up, a smile playing on her lips.


	26. Chapter 26

The nurse holds the door open and he steps inside. She smiles at him and she receives a fleeting smile in return. He nods his head.

"Thank you. How's Teresa? "

" Worried about you, feeling like she's failed you, on top of worrying about Austin. Similar to what you're feeling I imagine."

The nurses tone is softer.

"She needs more than I can give, they all do. "

" You're being too hard on yourself. You've done all the right things. This is difficult, and with the position your family are in, it's almost impossible. But you're doing a great job. "

" It seems to me I'm messing everything up."

"Only if you walk away."

Patrick slumps against the elevator wall, almost wishing for the abruptness the nurse showed earlier, it was easier to deal with. Why is it easier to accept that he's messing up? Is he scared of the commitment? Is he scared of the work? His eyes are closed but he feels the elevator slow and the nurses voice.

"You can do this."

Patrick opens his eyes and stands up straight, pushing his tiredness to the back of his mind. The nurse nods her approval as the doors open.

"Let's see if Austin's back."

Once they're on the ward, Patrick can see people in Austin's room, he quickens his pace. He almost bumps in to the portor in the doorway, a nurse is writing on his chart. Austin is still unconscious, lying still on the bed. The nurse looks at him when he enters and smiles.

"The doctor will be up shortly to talk to you and your wife. He's studying the results at the moment."

Patrick nods his head in acknowledgement, moves closer to Austin and takes his hand, which is laying on top of the covers, he hears the nurse leave. He returns to his thoughts in the elevator as he looks at his son. He knows that none of that is correct, he scared of failing them, losing them, hurting them. Isn't that exactly what he's doing if he walks away?

Teresa's eyes are closed, but she's not asleep. She wishes she could fall asleep and not wake up until everything was fine again. Austin was well and Patrick was her husband once more. But there's a painful lump in her chest stopping oblivion from coming, and it has nothing to do with her injuries. She fears she's alone, that she's lost him. He needs her so much. Finding his Angela and Charlotte slaughtered, and the reasons why, had sent him in to a mental facility for six months, what is it doing to him now? She seen the haunted look in his eyes, the terrible guilt he'd carried for so many years and she sent him away. He had never needed her more and she'd sent him away. She'd knew what she needed to do but she couldn't. It was, as if, there was nothing left in her to give, she couldn't blame him for never coming back.

She opens her eyes immediately on hearing the door open, but disappointment crushes her as the nurse enters with a wheelchair.

"Austin's back and the doctor will be down in a few minutes to talk to you and your husband."

Hope leaps in Teresa's heart.

"Is Patrick here?"

The nurse beams at her.

"Of course, I've never lost a husband yet and I'm certainly not starting with this one."

Images flash across his mind once more, his hand reaching out to touch a baby's hand, the name tag in view. Austin curls his tiny hand around his finger, he hears a woman's soft laugh mingled with a sob. He moves but Austin refuses to let go, he gently removes his tiny fingers and then carefully lifts him out of the incubator. as he does so, Austin lets out a cry, he moves him to his shoulder and bops up and down and he's quickly comforted. He then turns and Teresa is sitting next to him in a wheelchair, smiling at him, with tears in her eyes, he cradles Austin's head and hands him into Teresa out stretched arms.

More images flash before his eyes as he hears the door open, he turns and the nurse from the roof is pushing Teresa in to the room. Once she's next to Patrick, the nurse leaves. Teresa is sat just in front of him, she reaches out and lays her hand on Austin's arm. Patrick releases his hold on his hand.

"Here, you can hold his hand, I'm sure he's missing his Mother's touch."

something in Patrick's voice causes Teresa to look at him. She can't read his face.

"Is everything all right? I'm sorry about bef..."

Patrick cuts her off.

"Please don't apologise, you have nothing to apologise for."

Patrick's gaze moves to Austin causing Teresa to turn from him and look at him too. There's silence for a few moments as they watch their still son. Patrick fingers the blanket covering Austin, his thoughts racing. He closes his eyes and mentally takes a deep breath, deciding to jump in. He coughs, his voice is soft and thick:

"You had me bring two outfits to the hospital, as you couldn't decide which one you wanted to take him home in. After trying them both on him, you decided on a blue trousers and waistcoat, all in one thing, with a white shirt underneath. It was a present from the Rigsby's, that was someone we worked with at the CBI. I remember you mentioning their names."

Teresa hasn't breathed since she realised what he's talking about.

She turns slowly towards him, tears in her eyes making it impossible to make out his face clearly.

"You remember?"

"He reaches out and takes her gently by the arms, pulling her out of the chair towards him."

"It's just that one thing, but..but.."

She reaches out and touches his face as he struggles to talk, he leans in to her hand, she feels tears on his face too. He pulls her closer, squeezing her tight, bury his head in her hair. Teresa closes her eyes and drinks in the feel of his body pressing against hers. The familiar scent, it was as if nothing had changed, but everything has. She wants to trust what's happening, but knowing the vulnerable, emotional state Patrick is in, she needs to be sure.

She pulls back and he loosens his grip. He's looking at her puzzled and hurt, it takes all her willpower not to move back into his arms. She squeezes his hands.

"Patrick, it's wonderful that you remember.."

She smiles at him and cups his face with her hand.

"You said it's the one thing. How much do you remember, just what you've told me?"

He gives a small nod.

"Austin's my son, I saw his name tag, I held him, cuddled him."

"How does it make you feel?"

He looks at her questioningly.

"I thought I showed that."

She searches his face.

"Do you know that I'm your wife? Do you love me Patrick?"

He looks at her and then at the floor.

"I want the truth. We can work with the truth. We can build on it. It's understandable why this memory has come back to you and I hope it's a start of many...of you coming back to me, to us. But..."

"I know Austin's my son, I have memories of the feelings of that time. I know you're my wife, I gave you Austin, we dressed him together, you teased me about why you chose the outfit. It's true I don't love you. yet. I admit that, but..."

He looks down at his feet, gathering the courage he needs, he steps a little closer to her.

"On the roof just now, I thought about jumping off, I wanted to join Angela and Charlotte, the thought of living with the guilt, the horror..."

He shakes his head.

"but I couldn't. I couldn't and it was because of you, and Austin and Maddy. I don't want to fail my second family. I like you, and the children and enjoy being with you. I know it's not a lot, but I promise I won't leave you, I want to work this out, I want to be with you all. I care about you, about Maddy and about Austin and I think my actions have proved that. I think you can believe in that."

He glance towards Austin as he's speaking, and then does a double take. Austin's eyes are open, and just then the Doctor enters the room.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the penultimate chapter.

"Teresa look."

Patrick nods towards Austin. Teresa looks.

"Austin!"

She moves towards the pillow and strokes his hair. She smiles softly at him.

"Hi sweetheart, it's mommy. You've been a sleep a long time. How are you doing? "

Austin stares blankly at her and a lump forms in her stomach. The doctor speaks up.

" It can take a while for patients to be aware of people and their surroundings when they first wake up. We found no signs of any brain damage. Just give him a little time and I'm hopeful for a good recovery. "

She hears Patrick's voice:

" How long will take for him to become more aware? "

" It shouldn't be too long. "

Teresa is still looking at Austin and stroking his face, although his eyes don't move from hers she sees no sign of recognition, no sign of awareness.

The doctor moves to the other side and speaks to Teresa.

" I just need to examine him, I won't be long."

Teresa feels Patrick's hand on her shoulder and he gives it a squeeze. She looks up at him, and he smiles at her, she's sure he thinks is comforting but she can see the concern behind his eyes. The doctor gently moves Austin's head to face him and shines a light in his eyes. He asks him some questions but with no responses. Austin moves his head back to look at Teresa, tears rapidly form in her eyes. He knows who she is, she knows he does. The doctor's speaking again:

"Just carry on with what you're doing, talking to him and having physical contact. It will encourage him to fight to the surface. He's doing good. I'll be back to check on things in a little while. "

Teresa and Patrick barely register the doctor leaving. Teresa is stroking Austin's hair,

" It's Mommy Austin, can you hear me? Daddy's here too. "

Patrick crouches beside the bed so Austin can see him and he smiles at him.

" Hi Son, it's so good to have you back, because I want a chance to win the 'no licking' competition, after I've had some practise, of course, because you're too good for me."

Teresa leans in closer and whispers to her son:

"You've got nothing to worry about, Daddy will never beat you, he's too greedy."

"Hey!"

Patrick exclaims with mock horror, but then catches his breath as he sees a change in Austin's eyes, and his small hand reaches out towards Teresa, she catches it and kisses it and lay it against her cheek, tears are streaming down her face and Austin moves his hand and wipes at them, his face creases into a frown. Teresa strokes his hair once more.

"It's okay darling, I'm crying because I'm happy."

His fingers move to her lips and she gently kisses them. His eyes move to Patrick and as he reaches out towards him. Patrick moves closer within his reach and Austin's fingers softly trace his skin. Patrick's been watching him closely and he can tell that Austin is slowly coming back to them. He whispers close to Teresa's ear.

"He's going to be all right."

Teresa chokes a sob and Patrick wraps an arm around her shoulders. Then Austin says his first word.

"Drink"

Patrick's now sat on the bed, against the wall and Austin is leaning against his body. He's holding a dish of jello in his hand while Austin scoops it out with his one good arm. He's now fully awake, he knows who he is, who they are, and where he is. The last part is still confusing him a little, as he has no memory of the car crash, which his parents are grateful for, but he's coming to accept it and he thinks the cast on his arm is really cool, especially after his Daddy signed it and now everyone who enters the room has to sign the cast. Teresa's in the wheelchair beside the bed, reading a story to him. Madeline had, thoughtfully, included a couple of his books he'd brought with him from Texas, in the bag she'd left that morning. When it comes to the part where fox shares his cake with a rabbit friend, Austin squirms his head around to look at Patrick.

"Do you want some jello, Daddy?"

Patrick shakes his head.

"Thank you but it's your jello."

He then turns to Teresa.

"Would you like some Mommy?"

"That's very kind of you, but you need to eat it all, so you can get all better."

Austin dips his spoon in to the jello and puts it in his mouth. When his mouth is almost empty he says:

"I bet Maddy would have some."

Then a thought strikes him.

"Where is Maddy? Was she hurt as well?"

Teresa's quick to reassure him.

"Maddy's fine, she wasn't hurt at all. She's staying with Madeline and Mimi while Daddy looks after us in hospital."

"Is Will looking after her as well?"

Patrick answers this time.

"Yes Will's there too, in fact, now that you're awake, they all want to come visit you and Mommy."

"They can write on my cast."

Patrick and Teresa laugh.

"Yes they can."

Austin's head begins to droop as he's finishing the last of the jello. Patrick extracts himself from behind him, while gently lowering him into a laying position on the bed. The nurse had warned them that he would tire easily. Patrick looks at Teresa as she closes the book.

"You're looking tired to, maybe you should go take a nap while Austin's sleeping?"

Teresa shakes her head and then yawns.

"It's no good wearing yourself out, sleep while Austin sleeps, is the best policy. Rest aids healing and the quicker you'll get out of here."

Reluctantly Teresa knows he's right and agrees to be taken back to her room.

"You'll come get me as soon as he's awake?"

"I said I would. Now get some sleep and I'll call Madeline."

"Okay."

Teresa settle down to sleep and Patrick leaves the room to make the phone call and to get a cup of tea.

Patrick's sat in a chair next to Austin's bed, whose still fast asleep. In his mind he's recalling the images of his baby son, so tiny but a fighter. He glance over towards him, obviously he still is. He stands up, moving closer to him and kisses him softly on the cheek.

"My son."

An image flashes in his mind of Austin in his room, supposedly asleep, but Patrick can tell that he isn't. There's a pull at his heart at the sight of the tear stains on his cheeks. When Patrick wonders, out loud, why there's a penguin outside the window, Austin's eyes fly open. Patrick sits on the edge of the bed and invites Austin onto his lap. He ruffles his hair.

"I hear you and your mom had a difference of opinion today?"

Austin solemnly nods his head and tears spring to his eyes. As one escapes He wipes it gently away.

"She also told me that you said you were sorry, why were you sorry?"

Austin sniffs.

"I said no and I got mad, and I shouldn't get mad."

"Not because mommy asked you to do something."

Austin nods his head.

"Are you mad at me daddy?"

Patrick hugs him

"No, you said you were sorry, it was very good that you said you were sorry. We all make mistakes, what's important is that we put them right, and you did that. Now I understand when you got mad you broke your favourite toy?"

The tears come harder now and Austin nods his head. Patrick digs in to his pocket and brings out the fixed car. Austin's eyes open wide and takes it from Patrick's hand. He smiles and throws his arms around Patrick's neck. Patrick can feel the dampness of his cheeks.

"Thank you Daddy."

Patrick squeezes him, smiling also.

"You're welcome son."

The bedroom door opens and Teresa comes in. She's dressed in an emerald-green gown, that falls to the floor, hitting her curves in just the right places. Her hair's held up at the back with curls hanging down at the front, framing her face.

Austin's eyes are like saucers.

"Wow Mommy, you look gorgeous."

He took the words out of Patrick's mouth.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter and I hope you like how I've chosen to end the story. A big thank you to all the support that you've given me throughout this story.   
> Watch out for a sequal where I will write some one-shots about how things are progressing.

The door opens and the nurse enters pulling Patrick out of his thoughts.

"Is everything all right, Mr Jane?"

Patrick sits up in his chair, feeling flustered by the interruption and by the new memory.

"Yes, yes, everything's fine. Austin's asleep."

She smiles.

"Good, he's been through a lot, sleep will help his recovery. He will tire easily, it's nothing to worry about. Our bodies are remarkable contraptions, they let us know what we need."

Patrick nods his head. He remembers how tired he felt the first couple of week after his surgery.

After finishing her checks, she studies him.

"He's doing very well Mr. Jane. His vitals are strong and the doctor's very pleased with his progress."

Patrick nods his head again and smiles at her.

"Thank you."

He looks towards Austin.

"It's a great relief to have him back with us."

"I'm sure it is. We're all pleased for you and your wife, and Austin, of course. Can I get you anything Mr. Jane?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

The nurse nods and leaves Jane alone once more. He walks over to the window and looks out over the city, without seeing any of it, his thoughts returning once more to Teresa and the dress. There was no doubting the memory of his feelings as he looked at her. Her hair shining, hanging softly, framing her face. She was smiling at him, her eyes dancing, mesmerizing. He'd never noticed before how green they are. They were drawing him to her, he felt he could be lost forever in her power and he wouldn't mind a bit. Then there was her smile, it was dazzling but with a hint of seduction. He knew the smile was only for him. There was a slight blush of excitement to her cheeks, he's no idea where she was going, but she was looking forward to it. His whole body had reacted to her appearance, his breath taken away.

He closes his eyes and tries to will more memories to surface. This is so frustrating! These flash backs offer tantalizing glimpses of the life he's lost. He turns as Austin makes a noise. He's quickly by his side. The boy isn't awake but his face is crinkled, Patrick surmises he's either in pain or having a nightmare. He reaches out and strokes his hair, at his touch, Austin's face immediately relaxes, followed by his body, and he's back sleeping peacefully. Tears prick Patrick's eyes, as reality punches him in his heart and he sinks slowly into his chair, moving his hand from Austin's head, to his hand and rubbing circles over his skin with his thumb. He stares at the small hand, he notices that it still shows evidence of their day at the beach, sand particles are still trapped under his fingernails.

He hasn't lost this life, all the past memories of it are gone, except for the snippets that have returned, and hopefully they may all return some day, but his family is still here. He's still 'Daddy' to Austin and Maddy, to them, nothing has changed. They love him, want to play with him, challenge him and find comfort and safety in his touch. His feelings towards them have changed since coming from the hospital, it's impossible not to respond to their love, to their need for him. He's spent twenty four hours here at the hospital worrying about Austin, caring for Maddy, not wanting to let her go, despite his exhaustion. His love for them is growing, with him barely realising it. But does he feel like a father? He looks up at Austin's face. Does he feel like he's his Daddy?

But then there's Teresa. She's his wife. She's beautiful, her eyes are particularly beguiling. She's a nice caring person, she's shown him patience, and understanding, putting his needs before her own. She obviously loves her husband very much. He knows his feelings for her have changed over the time he's left the hospital. He feels a connection to her, he can't help responding to all the kindness she's shown him.

When someone feels as lost as he has, does, it's only natural to gravitate to the person who's giving you a connection to the world. He understands his responses to her and that it's not love, not the love a husband and wife share. He's right, the glimpse into the past proved that to him.

He wonders where she was going, he wasn't going with her, he wasn't dressed up as she was and he didn't detect any negative feelings from himself. All he felt was desire. She looked stunning, her eyes deepened by the reflection of her dress, her hair, softening her face. He could feel the air literally escape as he looked upon her. It was as well that Austin spoke for him, as he was incapable. He'd felt his body respond immediately, his skin prickled with excitement and desire raged within him. There was no doubt in him that he did love her, feelings that were deep, and all consuming. Could he get there again? Has this experience changed him too much?

He takes a look at Austin, he's still sleeping, he slips quietly out of the room and heads resolutely towards Teresa's. She opens her eyes as he walks in to the room, and starts to pull herself to a sitting position.

"Is Austin awake?"

He shakes his head and he tries to talk but the words catch in his throat. She looks at him with deep concern and panic flashes in her eyes.

"Is everything all right? Has something happened to him?"

His horror at causing the misunderstanding brings him out of his stupor and he rushes to reassure her.

"Austin's fine, he's still fast asleep. The nurse just came in a checked on him and everything's fine."

He's relieved to see her relax but there remains a puzzled expression on her face and he struggles to begin. He's tapping his hand on the bed, avoiding her eyes as he tries to find a place to start. She covers it with her own hand and he looks at her.

"What is it Patrick?"

He can see dread in her eyes, but also a resolution to handle whatever it is he's trying to say, she's thinks he's going away. He kicks himself for causing her more worry, when it wasn't his intention. He needs to just get on with it. He jumps in.

"I was talking to Austin about getting angry with you, I had fixed his favourite toy and you came in wearing a green dress. Where were you going?"

He can see that he'd taken her completely by surprise and it was taking a while for her brain to change directions.

"It was a long green dress, your hair was up at the back, with soft curls around your face. I wasn't going with you."

Realisation dawns.

"You've remembered something else."

"Austin said you were gorgeous."

"I was doing some undercover work at a fancy political dinner."

She studies him for a moment.

"Austin wasn't the only one who liked what they saw. My memory tells me that someone in that room would have easily taken the dress right off again."

Jane nods his head.

A touch of hope clinches at her stomach, he sees the reaction in her face.

He looks down and fingers the blanket.

"It hasn't brought all the feelings back…"

He looks at her.

"But I know they're there, just waiting to be found. I..I …I couldn't be sure before."

He catches a fleeting stab of disappointment, before she covers it well. She pats his hand.

"It's a start. It's something."

"Yes it is."

They stare at each other. He's questioning the wisdom of telling her, maybe he should have waited, not got her hopes up.

"I'm glad you told me."

"Are you?"

"I know there's a long way to go, but it's something."

"Yes it's something."

There's silence again and Patrick can tell she's debating something.

"What is it?"

"What?"

He smiles gently at the blush that appears in her cheeks.

"There's something you want to ask me, but you're not sure you should."

She hesitates at first.

"Please."

"Has it changed anything? You've told me what you remembered but not if it's changed…."

"…the way I see you."

She nods her head.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

He sees a jolt run through her and she looks down, he follows her gaze and is surprised to find he's faintly rubbing circles on the back of her hand. His touch so light he wasn't aware. He stops and she takes his hand before he can pull it away. She squeezes it and he looks at her.

"That was nice."

He closes his eyes, searching for the answer to her question. He opens them again, meeting her eyes.

"Yes. You are familiar. Not in 'I see you everyday way'. It goes deeper than that, it's like it's in me."

Teresa can't stop them any longer and tears begin to fall.

"We can work with that."

Patrick notices she's still holding his hand and finds he doesn't want her to let go. He sits down beside the bed.

"Yes we can."

His thumb rubs across her knuckles.


	29. Chapter 29

Teresa waves them off, Patrick pushing Maddy in the stroller, with Austin holding on to its handle, in the basket underneath is a bag with a picnic inside, they're off to the park, giving Teresa some time to herself. It's been two months since they returned from California. Austin bounced back very quickly, his hairs grown back and no-one looking at him would guess that he was fighting for his life just a few weeks ago. She's almost back to her old self and there has been talk of her returning part time to work in a couple of weeks, it was Patrick who brought up the subject. A couple of evenings ago, she'd hung up the phone after discussing an aspect of a case with Cho, which he wanted her take on.

"You love your job."

It was said as a statement, not a question.

"I do. It's very satisfying getting closure for the victim's and their families."

"I can see it means a lot to you. Did I love it?"

Teresa thought about it for a moment.

"I think you did. You certainly loved the challenge and getting one over on the criminals, and I think you got some satisfaction, especially for murder victim families."

Patrick nodded his head.

"I can see that. I've always been one that likes to show off and with my past I can imagine that I empathised with the loss families felt."

Teresa came and sat down beside him, a position he'd initiated not long after their return from California and seemed to like.

"You can go back to work if you want, I can look after the kids."

Teresa looked at him in surprise and immediately protested:

"No, no, I would rather be here with you."

Patrick waved her off.

"You can start part time, one day, if you want. Try it out. I'm doing well, I haven't had a headache for a week."

"I'll think about it."

"Teresa, I saw your face as you were talking to your colleague, you need to get back to work, I'll be…We'll be fine. I want you to call Abbott tomorrow."

The idea of going back to work sounded good to Teresa but could she really leave Patrick to deal with everything. Her thoughts are interrupted..

"We can always use day care if it proves too hard for me, we must have some arrangements in place, but I'm sure I'll be fine."

Patrick watches as she bites her bottom lip, it's a trait, he's noticed she has, when she's a little unsure, and he finds it quite endearing. He pushes her some more.

"Look, I'm not talking about starting back tomorrow, just talking to Abbott. Look at the beginning of next month, which gives me two more weeks to get stronger."

She hadn't called Abbott but maybe now, when there's no one around..

Patrick carefully places a sleeping Maddy in the stroller and adjusts the hood so she shaded from the sun. He glances at his watch and at Austin climbing up the slide. As he reaches the top he looks over at his daddy who waves at him. Austin breaks into a big smile and he sits down and pushes himself off. Patrick smiles as he watches Austin punch his arms up in the air and releases a delighted scream, lasting all the way down. He climbs off and come running over to the bench where Patrick's sitting. He throws himself at Jane who lifts him up and plops him on his lap.

"Ball now Daddy?"

Patrick nods.

"A promise is a promise."

He suddenly stands up, catching Austin by surprise and swings him, so he's holding him under one arm, to his side and starts to run.

"And the crowd goes crazy as Jane intercepts the ball and is heading down field. They're giving chase but no-one is going to reach him in time."

Patrick crosses an imaginary line and holds Austin up in triumph.

"Superbowl champions, what a come-back!"

Austin cheers:

"Yea Daddy."

Patrick and Austin do a victory dance as they make their way back to Maddy. Once there, Patrick places Austin on the ground, who reaches underneath the stroller and grabs the football they'd put there to keep safe.

They spend the next fifteen minutes, throwing, catching, running and tackling before Patrick tires, showing he's still not totally recovered. Austin, on the other hand, is still brimming with energy. Patrick shakes his head in wonder as he runs towards the climbing apparatus. Obviously children bounce back better. Jane sits down on the bench. Leaning back he crosses his legs and watches Austin making his way to the top. It's not very high so Patrick feels confident to leave him to himself. He glances at Maddy and she's still asleep. He looks at his watch, another fifteen minutes and they'll have lunch and then take a walk to feed the ducks.

He wonders if Teresa has phoned Abbott, he hopes she has. He could see how much her job meant to her when she was talking with Kimball Cho. From what he'd heard she was good at her job too and held in respect by her colleagues. He could also see the affection she had for Cho, he understands they've known each other for a very long time. He hates the idea that he's keeping her from this aspect of her life. He had returned home with such hope after the memories that returned while in California, but there has been nothing more since, he knows it's a big disappointment to Teresa, and he hates to see it.

He's back in his own bed, his excuse being he didn't wnat his movements to disturb her and cause her pain as she recovered from her injuries. He could see she'd hoped he would continue to sleep with her but he can't risk it. She's a beautiful woman and he is a man after all. He finds himself wondering what it would be like to kiss her, really kiss her. Sometimes when she's talking to him he can't take his eyes away from her lips, he wonders if this is new, or if he's always felt this way. But he knows he can't give in, it would be unfair. It would fulfil a longing that's purely physical, it would promise something he still doesn't know he can give. Sometimes he can see the longing burning in her eyes, and it would be so easy. He wonders if he should stop sitting next to her. It was a way of easing the loneliness but sometimes it makes things worse, but he doesn't want to – can't do it.

He groans knowing he needs to change his thought pattern, this is doing no-one any good. Just then he hears Austin calling him and looks across at his son standing on the top platform waving madly at him. He returns the wave and mimes some applause. Austin satisfied begins to make his way back down. When he reaches the ground Patrick calls him over to have lunch, Maddy, with perfect timing, wakes up.


	30. Chapter 30

"Please sit down Patrick."

Doctor Hill points towards the couch, he smiles slightly when Patrick choses his chair instead. He looks at his patient, sitting back in the chair, his legs crossed and his hands laid loosely clasped in his lap, staring at him, daring him to object.

"You seem in a good mood today."

"Do I?"

Doctor Hill sits on the couch and points to his chair.

"Either that, or you want to take charge of the session today."

Patrick studies him for a moment, a slight smile on his face.

"I don't need a couch to know all about you Doctor."

"Is that right?"

"You came from a privilege background. You travelled a lot as you child, your father was in politics….yes an ambassador. Your mother shun the limelight of that world as much as possible, preferring to raise her only child. She instilled in you self-confidence and a good work ethic, which held you in great stead for your medical studies. Your father was absent a lot because of his work, but you never held that against him, he was there when you needed him."

"Very interesting Patrick. It's fascinating to see your skills at work, first hand."

"I'm glad I amuse you. But there's a sadness in you…it all came to a halt in your teen years…a tragedy…not your family…a friend. Yes a friend, it's why you became a psychiatrist."

Jane's demeanour sobers up.

"Your friend committed suicide. I'm sorry doc."

Doctor Hill shifts position.

"That's all right Patrick, it was a long time ago, but it affected you. Do you know why?"

Patrick shakes his head. He noticed it within himself too, but attempts to deflect. He works hard to give off the relaxed persona he had before.

"Not me doc."

"I believe you don't remember, but it's not important so shall we move on."

Patrick reads something in the doctor's face and leans forward.

"You know something, I don't remember, but something happened and you know what it is."

"It's not pertinent to your present Patrick."

Patrick inches forward in his chair and searches the doctor's face.

"If I don't remember then it probably happened after the death of my wife and child…Yes…..It had something to do with it…"

Patrick flops back in his chair and speaks almost in a whisper.

"It was me. I tried to kill myself."

Doctor Hill instinctively moves closer to the edge of his seat to be closer to his patient, who is, now, staring at his hands.

"It's understandable Patrick, you lost everything, in horrific circumstances."

Patrick looks up, his face unreadable.

"I guess."

He's lost in thought for a few moments and then suddenly stands up.

"Do you mind if we call it a day, doctor? I don't feel like carrying on right now."

"We should talk about it Patrick."

Patrick plants a smile on his face.

"I know and we will, just not today."

Doctor Hill shrugs

"Okay, but I want to see you in a couple of days."

"I'll make the appointment on the way out. Bye doc, thank you."

The vibration of his phone as it rings in his pocket brings Patrick out of his thoughts. He pulls it out and holds it to his ear without looking at the display.

"Hello?"

He hears Teresa desperate voice on the other end.

"Patrick, finally. Where have you been, why haven't you answered your phone?"

"I did, I'm talking to you."

"But I've been calling you for an hour."

Patrick looks at his watch and it's been two and a half hours since he left Dr. Hill's office.

"I'm sorry Teresa, I didn't realise the time. I'm on my way home."

"What have you been doing?"

"Just walking."

The nurse said you left your appointment early. Is everything all right."

Patrick looks at his shoes, deciding on his answer. He doesn't want to lie, but doesn't know if he wants to open this particular box with her. But then again, does she already know? Did they have the kind of relationship where he would have told her?

"I'm okay, just needed to do some thinking, and I lost track of time."

He knows it's a bit weak, it doesn't explain why he didn't answer his phone, but she accepts it.

"Okay."

"I'm on my way home."

Thankfully, Austin and Maddy take his attention when he gets home, and then he cooks dinner. Then it's baths and bedtime stories. When Patrick enters the living room after finishing his book with Austin, Teresa closes some files she has open on her lap and stands up.

"I've made some tea."

He waves her off.

"That's okay, I thought I'd have an early night."

She stops and turns to look at him, her voice is kind but firm

"No you're not, you're going to sit down there with a cup of tea and tell me what happened today."

"I thought psychiatrists session were confidential."

"Something has rocked you Patrick, I can see that"

Patrick feels sick as his stomach muscles tighten with stress. 

"We promised to be honest with each other. We agreed it was the best way to deal with this. It's how we've always been, since we married."

"Okay."

He sits down on the couch. He waits with a mixture of impatience and dread as he hears Teresa moving around in the kitchen. He suspects he's going to learn more about his depressing past that the serial killer, Red John, threw him in to. When she hands him his cup he takes a sip and then puts it down as he notices a slight shake in his hands. He can see she notices it too. She sits herself next to him and her eyes are full of concern as she looks at him.

"What happened Patrick?"

He struggles with how to open the conversation.

"I need to ask you a question."

"Okay."

He takes a deep breath and just says the words.

"Did I attempt to kill myself, in my past?"

He can see that Teresa's taken aback by the question, it's not what she was expecting. He realises at that moment that she'd been concerned it was something about them, that maybe he decided to leave, that he'd decided he'd had enough. He can't help but marvel at her strength, she forced the issue, wanting to know, rather than be left wondering. She quickly recovers.

"I know you were under psychiatric care, in a hospital, you've never gone in to the details. I haven't felt the need to know, it was understandable after what you'd been through, I didn't see it having any bearing on our future."

"I was in a hospital, the padded walls, locked room, the whole bit."

She nods.

"From what I understand, yes. The doctor who treated you, Sophie Miller, became involved in one of our investigations and you told me about it then."

"When?"

"Four or five years after you joined us. It wasn't in your record."

Images flash across Patrick's mind, the CBI offices, Teresa's concern, his embarrassment, It was a major revelation for him, but, he liked her, he trusted her, he wanted to tell her. A part of him wanted her to know, he could feel it. Even then.

"That Agent, Van Pelt, interrupted us."

"Yes she did. You remember?"

"Bits of it."

More images appear, of a woman in a white coat, a white room, a red face.

"Can you just let me sit here for a while….things are coming back."

"Of course."

Patrick closes his eyes and lets the images flow. With them he can feel his despair, his wretchedness. Unknown to him, tears are falling down his face, Teresa touches him, letting him, feel her, letting him know he's not alone, and waits for as long as it takes.


	31. Chapter 31

Austin runs into the kitchen and stops dead at the sight of Teresa still packing food into a bag.

"Mom, it's time to go."

Teresa smiles down at her son.

"Tell Daddy I'll be out in just two ticks."

"Come now."

Teresa's opening the fridge door.

"I've just to put the drinks in and then I'm ready."

Austin rushes forward and squeezes in front of her.

"I'll help."

Teresa laughs as she reaches in and picks up the six pack of root beer.

"Thank you Austin, you can pass me the cartons of juice."

After placing the cans in to the cooler, she takes the carton of juice Austin has in his hand and he turns around to get the next one. She puts it in the cooler, she smiles to herself as she knows she could've finished the job much quicker without her impatient sons help.

She zips closed the bag after putting in the final carton.

"I take it Daddy has Maddy dressed and in the car?"

"Yes and I brought out the blankets and the ball."

Teresa rubs her sons hair and crouches down in front of him.

"You're such a good helper. Thank you for getting the juice for me. She reaches out to hug him but he backs away.

"Mom we have to go."

He turns and runs.

Patrick moves towards her as she exits the house and takes the bag off her. He playfully lets it almost drop to the floor.

"Are you feeding everyone who attends the zoo today?"

"Another word and the elephants will have yours."

Patrick closes the trunk and looks at her with a wicked twinkle in his eyes.

"If it's the leftovers from last night I think the elephants will be throwing it back."

Teresa yanks open the driver door and jumps in.

"Hey, I thought I was driving?"

"Not anymore, you're not."

Patrick grumpily opens the passenger door and mutters

"You shouldn't punish a man for speaking the truth."

"There's always a reckoning Patrick."

"It wasn't me who burnt the dinner."

Teresa starts the car.

"No but it's you who's bringing it up today. What happened yesterday, stays in yesterday, that's the rule we live by."

"That sounds a pretty good rule. I bet I suggested it."

Teresa glances at him as she looks over her shoulder while backing out the car.

"Why, because you're so smart?"

"No, because I'm pretty certain that I needed it a lot more than you did."

He looks at her out of the corner of his eye, a smile playing on his face. His use of the past tense hit her but she recovered quickly and returned his smile with one of her own.

"I knew exactly what you were doing, but it was still a good idea. Plus I had some proviso's added."

Patrick's intrigued.

"That was very savvy. What were they?"

It's Teresa's turn to look out of the corner of her eye.

"I think I'll let you find those out for yourself."

Patrick whines:

"Now that's hardly fair Teresa…"

Teresa glances at him and his eyes are twinkling at her.

"How will I know which behaviour warrants a simple apology and which requires chocolate and flowers."

Teresa pretends to think it over, while concentrating on entering the crowded freeway.

"You'll just have to always bring flowers and chocolates to cover your bases."

"Is that right woman?"

She turns to him and breaks in to a huge smile, her eyes dancing wickedly.

"As I said, there's always a reckoning."

Just then Austin interrupts.

"Mommy are we almost there?"

Teresa turns her attention to answering her son and the traffic, where a crazy driver is weaving dangerously across all the lanes causing sudden breaking, leaving her unaware, as well as Patrick, that he's moved slightly, resting in the corner between his seat and the door, allowing him to keep her in his line of vision. He'd been enjoying their banter, it had been fun, and comfortable, but the smile she turned on him had taken his breath away, his heart had literally stopped beating for a moment. He couldn't take his eyes off her – didn't want to. If he did his world would be darker, as if a bulb went out.


	32. Chapter 32

Cho's standing on the porch when Teresa opens the door.

"Hi Cho, come on in."

Teresa leads the way to the living room.

"Patrick's just putting Maddy down, Austin's watching television. After the programme is over I've told him he has half an hour to spend with you and then to bed. I'm glad you could watch them at such short notice, Austin always loves having you over."

"No problem. I've missed him."

"Yes it's been a long time."

When they enter the living room Austin looks up from his programme and with a big smile he jumps up and runs to Cho.

"Uncle Cho. Daddy and Mommy are going out to dinner, don't you think Mommy looks beautiful."

Cho bends down and picks up the excited boy.

"I certainly do, but then your Mommy always looks beautiful."

Teresa rolls her eyes at Cho, while Austin nods his head enthusiastically, but is not satisfied.

"But she looks extra beautiful today."

"I totally agree with you Austin."

Teresa feels her cheeks turning red as Patrick enters the room and joins in the conversation. Patrick doesn't miss it and gives her an innocent smile, his eyes twinkling. Teresa takes Austin away from Cho to cover her embarrassment.

"You give Mommy a big hug and a kiss as she's going to miss you. Be good for Uncle Cho."

Austin takes Teresa face in his little hands.

"I will Mommy."

He kisses her and wraps his arms around her neck.

"Well that looked so good, I hope you have a hug left for me."

Austin releases his hold and turns to Patrick.

"I have hundreds of hugs Daddy, I don't think I will ever run out."

Patrick takes him in his arms.

"Well that's great news."

They exchange hugs and a kiss. Patrick puts him down on the floor and rubs his hair.

"See you later."

His eyes turn to Teresa.

"Shall we go?"

She nods her head, Patrick picks up her purse and hands it to her. He takes her gently by the arm and guides her to the front door. He makes sure She's sat comfortably in the passenger seat before making his way to the driver's side. He starts the car and looks over to her.

"I meant what I said about you looking extra beautiful tonight."

Teresa looks away and then turns back, a smile on her face.

"Thank you. It's lovely to get dressed up, it's been a while, not since…"

Teresa stops and a cloud crosses her face. Patrick finishes for her:

"…Not since the shooting."

"I'm sorry."

Patrick rushes to reassure her.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. It happened, it changed our lives, it's why I want us to go out tonight. My memory, or lack of it, is a cloud that's hanging over us all the time. I don't know about you but I'm a little fed up with it."

Teresa looks at him warily.

"Are you saying you want to leave, because I would have preferred.."

Patrick interrupts horrified:

"No, no, that's not what I meant at all."

"Then what?"

Patrick looks at her.

"Patrick, watch out!"

Patrick turns his eyes to the road and quickly swerves to avoid a car that's suddenly braked in front of him.

"Let's talk about it at the restaurant. Deep conversations and driving are not very conducive with one another.

"I..I..I ..guess."

Patrick reaches out and touches her arm.

"It's nothing bad, I promise. Just relax."

The restaurant isn't very busy and they are shown to a table a little out of the way. Patrick pulls out Teresa's chair and she sits down, looking around at the subdued lighting, the expensive tablecloths and the beautiful glasses on the table waiting to be filled. The owners have managed to pull off expensive in a subtle way.

As Patrick takes the wine list she leans towards him and speaks under her breath.

"I hope the food is as good the décor advertises."

"I'm told it is."

He orders the wine and they are passed the menus, which they study for a few minutes. Teresa places hers on the table when she decided on her order. She sits back and studies Patrick. His hair is more styled than she's seen it for a long time, she realises that he's taken a lot of care with his appearance tonight. His face has just the right length of stubble that exudes his sexiness, his nails are trimmed and he's managed to remove all the dirt trapped under them after the hours of tunnel digging he and Austin did this afternoon, it explains the length of time he took in the shower.

"What are you smiling at?"

Teresa protests as she knows he hasn't looked at her.

"You don't know I'm smiling!"

Patrick keep his eyes on the menu.

"Yes I do, it's so wide, I can hear your cheekbones straining in protest."

She can't supress a laugh.

"No you can't."

"Come on, enough protesting, out with it."

"I was just thinking about how long it must have taken you to get the dirt out from under your fingernails."

There's silence for a moment.

"Mmmmm thinking about me in the shower.."

He looks up from the menu with a smile on his face, which can only be described as seductive, and sends Teresa weak at the knees.

"….no wonder you're smiling."

Teresa weakly blusters:

"I wasn't."

She looks down and fingers her menu and then peeks up at him, she can't hide the 'caught in the act' blush and smile on her face.

Patrick lays down his menu. His mood suddenly changed from playful, the look in his eyes so hot she feels it burning her skin.

"It's okay Teresa, I imagine it too."

Teresa can't help herself.

"Imagine yourself in the shower?"

Patrick smiles gently.

"No, you."

Teresa catches her breath, the thought of him imagining her quickening her senses even more. She breaks his stare and looks down, her fingers finding comfort in the menu once more. She's buried her desire for so long now, hiding it from him, she missed him so much, she doesn't dare to hope. She hears her name spoken softly.

"Teresa."

She looks at him.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

She finds herself fighting back tears.

"Don't apologise, if you meant what you said, if it means…"

The words stick in her throat, unable to vocalise her desire. He reaches across the table and touches her hand, it feels like it's burning a hole through her skin, her face burns. She looks at him, unable to hide the need coursing through her. His eyes reflect her own.

"It does. I've desired you for a while. I've battled with myself, it seemed so selfish to satisfy my needs, without being able to commit to you with my heart as well."

Teresa feels the tears falling down her cheeks, she sees something catch Patrick's eye and he shakes his head, she presumes he's stalling the waiter wanting their order.

"I don't know if I love you as deeply as I did before, but I know you fascinate me, I know that I'm a happier person when you're around, I know I look forward to the end of the day when you walk through that door. I know I feel there's something missing when you're not home."

Teresa grabs her napkin and wipes at her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm blubbering like an idiot."

He smiles kindly at her.

"It's okay, I don't know how I'm keeping them at bay."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I want to be your husband, I want to share your..our bed. Our lives can't stay on hold waiting for my memories to return and what are they going to tell me? That I love you, it will bring back all the memories we have made together, and I hope they will return but I want now to make new ones, for us to make new ones together."

Teresa manages to compose herself, her smile growing wider at his words.

"I want that too."

Patrick sighs deeply, and beams back at her.

"Good."

He looks at the menu before him.

"I know what I don't want."

"What?"

"Dinner."

She laughs.

"Yea, I've lost my appetite."

His eyes turn hungry once more, igniting her once more. He looks almost sheepish as he pulls out a key card.

"I took the liberty of booking a room, just in case."

Teresa stares at the card. He looks unsure of himself as she doesn't reply.

"Was it the wrong thing to do?"

Teresa reaches out and takes the key.

"Certainly not."

She stands up.

"Are you coming?"

Patrick closes the door behind them and catches Teresa's wrist and pulls her to him. She turns her face to his, his eyes burn in to her soul, his hands caresses her face as his lips move, almost imperceptively towards hers. She groans when finally they touch, soft and warm. She savours the moment, they feel familiar and strange all at the same time, and then he moves to her face and neck, the warmth of his breath against her skin heating her. She feels his fingers working the zipper of her dress and a shiver runs up and down her spine…..

Teresa comes out of the bathroom to find her husband, the word catches her breath for a moment, and sounds delicious to her, as it's been awhile since that description felt as complete as it does at this moment, at the hotel door. He's thrown on his boxers and a shirt, which is obviously unfastened. She ducks back into the bathroom until she hears the door closing. When she emerges Patrick is moving a trolley towards the bed and announces unnecessarily:

"I got us something to eat."

She smiles at him as she moves towards him and wraps her arms around him and kisses him. He pulls her in tight and all the feelings of desire ignite once more. He pulls away after a long searching kiss. His eyes letting her know he's feeling exactly the same way, before he quickly turns his gaze to the food and lifts up one of the lids.

"Let's eat, I'll serve."

He busies himself with placing food on two plates, as she watches him, she gets the feeling he's avoiding eye contact.

"Is something wrong Patrick?"

He straightens and starts to fasten up his shirt.

"Everything's fine, why don't you put some clothes on so we can eat."

They're sitting side by side on the bed, Teresa put on her panties and her undershirt. Each has a plate and a fork in their hands, eating their meal in silence. It doesn't feel like companionable silence to Teresa, to her, the atmosphere is filled with foreboding. She's not prepared to take it anymore.

"Are you regretting that we made love?"

Teresa's watching Patrick carefully, and it's only for a moment, but it's there, a slight stillness before he answers shaking his head:

"No, I'm not….."

She watches him deciding whether to carry on or not, when he doesn't continue she helps him…along:

"But….There's something Patrick."

He leans over and places his plate on the bedside table, she follows suit, when she turns around, he's on his side looking at her. He reaches out and cups her face in his hands and his eyes search her face and he looks at her as if it's the first time he's ever seen her. His thumb brushes her bottom lip and her body vibrates in return.

"It was wonderful… you were wonderful. I felt alive…I felt whole for the first time since the shooting. For the first time I caught a true glimpse of what we have, of what I've forgotten. "

Teresa's can feel her body trembling and she knows it shows in the smile she gives him.

"That all sounds wonderful."

Patrick looks down trying to assemble his thoughts, to find the words that make sense of his feelings. Teresa lifts his chin with her hand so he's looking at her.

"Patrick, just tell me. It's easiest to just say it."

He swallows and closes his eyes and speaks softly:

"I'm being so unfair to you Teresa. I wanted this because I'm so frustrated with how things are, I feel my life is spent waiting to remember things that may never come. I told you earlier my feelings towards you…"

He stops speaking and Teresa lets out a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding.

"Yes you did, and so what's unfair? I'm know where you are, I know where I am.."

Patrick interrupts:

"But it's not what you've known, and what if it never gets back to that? And…and you find you've wasted your time with me."

Teresa moves on to her knees and faces him. She strokes his face, as if to smooth out the worry lines. She kisses him on the forehead.

"Patrick, I love you, I love you more than my life. I know that you're not in the same place, but you're here. That's all I ask, that's all I want. After you were shot and I was left waiting while you were in surgery and I didn't know if you would live…"

She swallows against the emotions that threaten to overcome her. Patrick covers her hands with his and squeezes them.

"…the thought of losing you hurt so much I could barely take in anything around me, All I could feel was a heavy stone inside me. I knew that that's how it would always feel if I lost you. I prayed like I've never prayed before. All I wanted was you back, in any condition, just you had to come back to me….."

She wipes away a tear.

"And you came back. You're here, and you want to stay. If that's all you can give me, I'm happy, it's enough for me. All I need is you…to talk to, to share my life with, to laugh with, to grow old with."

She looks into his eyes and sees overwhelming pain.

"I..I…I don't want to hurt you. I see it in your eyes all the time."

Teresa moves closer to him.

"The hurt I feel is the distance between us. That you're not in my bed."

She kisses him gently on the lips.

"That I can't touch you.."

She runs her hands down his arms and across his chest.

"That you're not mine to explore and experience in the ways that make you mine."

She moves closer and kisses his right ear and whispers:

"That I can't be intimate with you in my thoughts, words, and desires."

Patrick enfolds her in his arms and buries his face in her hair, She continues to whisper to him:

"Tonight you're mine Patrick Jane, you've given yourself to me. You want to come back to our bed?"

Patrick squeezes her tighter, which she takes as a yes.

"You want more nights like this one?"

He squeezes again.

"You want us to share your thoughts, worries, yourself with me?"

She feels a nod against her shoulder.

"Then I say yes Patrick Jane, I accept you in to our bed, I want more nights like this, I want everything you have to offer me, I need everything you have to offer me."

She hears him catch his breath and his hold tightens, her body is tight against his, she can feel the muscles in his chest constrict as he fights to keep control. His hold slackens, though he doesn't completely let go. He moves away slightly and rests his forehead against hers. She feels him shake his head.

"I'm an idiot, I take you to bed and then act foolishly."

"You're frightened….and I am too, love's like that. I said yes to the risk when you asked me to marry you, and it was the best thing I ever did. I will always say yes to you."

Patrick pulls back further and looks at her, he searches her face.

"I say yes."


	33. Chapter 33

Austin comes bouncing into the room as Patrick gathers his suits out of the closet.

"What are you doing Daddy?"

"I'm moving my clothes back into your Mother's bedroom."

"Oh."

Patrick watches his son, a thoughtful expression on his face as he mulls over the information.

"Why?"

Patrick walks over to his bed and lays down the clothes. He sits down and beckons Austin to join him.

"Come here son."

Austin strolls over and suddenly jumps, taking Patrick almost by surprise, luckily he sees it at the last moment and successfully catches him, as well as protecting himself from the charging body. He sits him down on his lap. Austin turns his face towards him, a huge grin on his face.

"You almost got me there."

Austin nods.

"So you want to know why I'm moving bedrooms?"

Austin nods again.

"Well, if you remember, your Mother's bedroom is my bedroom too, I just moved in here temporarily…"

Austin furrows his brow.

"What's tempolarily mean?"

Patrick suppresses a smile, which is difficult watching the concentration on his son's face as he tries to pronounce the word. He brushes his hand through Austin's fringe, primarily to move it out of his eyes, but it falls back into place. Patrick makes a note that he needs a haircut.

"Temporarily. It means, that it's not forever."

Austin's eyes light up with remembrance.

"It was because you were ill."

"That's right."

Austin's puzzled expression returns.

"But you've been better for a long time."

Patrick's taken by surprise.

"What makes you say that?"

"You haven't needed any naps."

"No I guess I haven't. But it's been a little more complicated than that, I've had to sort some things through in my head."

Austin looks at the spot where Patrick got shot. The hair's growing back but it's still obvious to those who know what happened.

"Because you got shot there?"

"Yes, you know it made me forget things?"

Jane pokes him gently in the stomach as he speaks:

"You've been a great help there. It made some things difficult that Daddy can't explain…grown up things."

Austin rolls his eyes and repeats:

"Grown up things….boring."

Patrick smiles and stands up taking Austin with him and spinning him around so he's hanging upside down.

"Exactly! Boring! Would you like to help me move stuff. I'd like it finished for when mommy gets home?"

Austin nods his head, Patrick can feel it against his legs, but he shouts down to him:

"What was that? I can't see you."

Austin's voice come up to his ears.

"Yes Daddy."

Patrick gently shakes him.

"I can't hear you."

Austin's voice comes up to him louder.

"Yes Daddy."

Patrick swings him up and lets him drop on to the bed.

"There was I, looking forward to having you help, and you don't want to help me."

Austin scrambles up on to his knees.

"I do daddy, I said I wanted to help."

"Are you sure?"

Austin nods enthusiastically. Patrick, without warning leaps at him and takes him down back on to the bed. He tickles his tummy.

"Ah hah you didn't see that coming."

Austin's laughing while shaking his head and trying to speak.

"No, no. You got me daddy."

"You bet I did."

Patrick then smothers him in kisses, while Austin still wriggles to get away, but is too helpless with laughter to get any strength to it.

After waking up from her nap Maddy did her best to help with the move. She was assigned socks. She patiently took one pair in each hand from the drawer in his room and placed it in the assigned drawer in the master bedroom. A job that Maddy took seriously, when Patrick tried to take some to help her out, she stomped her feet, announcing they were hers. When he could he sneaked some over, by shoving them in his pocket when she wasn't looking.

Patrick was finishing putting his shaving stuff in the bathroom when he heard a squeal of delight coming from Maddy. He walked in to the bedroom to find Teresa entering with Maddy in her arms. Maddy points to the sock drawer and wiggles to get down. Teresa obliges and Maddy walks over and puts the two pairs she has in her hand, in the drawer and leaves. Teresa watches her go.

"Where's she going?"

"There must still be more socks. She must be almost done by now, and by the way, I don't need any more socks for the next three Christmases. Is that all I ever get? Did they have a sale on or something?"

"It's a tradition that started a long time ago."

Patrick notices something flicker across Teresa's face.

"Ahh…"

An image flashes across Patrick's mind.

"You bought me some…I didn't have any."

"You had to go away after killing Red John, you went somewhere too warm for socks. You probably threw them away when they wore out and didn't replace them."

Patrick sits down on the bed as her words bring more memories, more images.

"I couldn't find a single sock on the island."

Teresa sits beside him.

"You remember it?"

Patrick nods his head.

"Yes parts. It was beautiful and rustic. It was nice for a while, I…I needed it."

Teresa moves closer.

"Why did you need it Patrick? Can you remember?"

She watches as her husband searches his mind, he shakes it in frustration and then he look up at her.

"I was tired. It was over and I was tired."

Austin comes running in to the bedroom.

"It's the last one."

The two grown-ups look bewildered at him as Maddy comes totting in after him.

"It's the last sock, we're done at last."

Patrick holds his arms out and Austin rushes in.

"I couldn't have done it without you. So much stuff."

Austin nods his head in agreement.

"Loads and loads."

Maddy's put away the last pair of socks and makes her way towards them. Patrick scoops her up and kisses her on the cheek.

"A big thank you to Maddy as well. Now we'll play hungry hippos just like I promised."

Austin punches the air and shouts:

"Yea!"

Maddy copies her older brother. Patrick places them both on the floor.

"Go and get it ready and I'll be there in a moment."

Austin rushes off and Maddy follows behind. Teresa calls after her disappearing son.

"Wait up for your sister."

Austin reappears and takes Maddy by the hand and off they go together.

Teresa finds Patrick staring in to space when she returns from putting Austin to bed. She sits down beside him.

"Are you okay?"

He smiles at her.

"I'm fine. The first few months on the island, I grieved for Angela and Charlotte, really grieved, I'd kept them tied to the earth for so long fuelling my revenge, I'd never truly let go. I'd done what I could to make amends for what I'd done.."

Teresa's voice was low:

"You know what you did? What you felt you did?"

He nods his head.

"I'm making connections, There's still a lot to fill in, but it's a start right?"

Teresa takes her husband's hand and places a kiss on his knuckles, hope surging through her.

"It's a start, a great start."


	34. Chapter 34

"Lisbon, my office."

His tone has Teresa sharing a look with Cho, asking if he knows what the boss wants and what she's done wrong? He shrugs. She puts her phone away as she makes her way to his office. Abbott's sat behind his desk when she arrives.

"Close the door and take a seat Agent."

Teresa does as she's told, taking the first seat, sitting on the edge. She looks at her boss.

"Have I done something wrong Sir?"

Abbott leans back in his chair.

"No, no, I'm sorry if I gave that impression, it's just leftover frustration from the meeting upstairs.. I heard you talking to Jane. How's he doing?"

Teresa relaxes into her chair and smiles.

"He's doing well. He remembering things, slowly. He remembers coming here, though not agreeing to work for you. But he at least remembers you now."

"That's good news. How about the wedding?"

"Nothing about the wedding, yet Sir, just the odd little thing about our life together, but I'm confident it will come, and things are good between us."

Teresa's minds casts back to the first night he slept in their room. Moving in and then playing hungry hippos, and everything things else the children called on him to do, had tired him out, so he was ready for bed early, but put it off while she finished doing her paperwork she'd left undone in her rush to be home. Despite her insistence that he go to bed, he wanted them to go together their first night. It was like being transported back in time to the days at the old CBI. Patrick sprawling out on the couch while she sat in an armchair with her laptop on her knee, typing. How she loved those times spent together at the end of the day when he would come in and keep her company as she finished her reports. She realises, in hindsight, it was during those times she began to fall in love with him.

When they finally made it to bed, things were a little awkward, at first. They laid on their own half of the bed, each on their backs, staring at the ceiling. A distance between them, reminiscent of their time at Hightower's, each not quite knowing what to do. She didn't want to rush things by moving over to him, despite that they'd made love once, she wasn't confident in their intimacy. She could hear a quite thump, she sidled a look at him and he had his hands crossed over his chest, gently hitting himself with his thumbs. The slight turn of her head must have made a noise against the pillow, making him aware that she was looking at him. He spoke:

"I'm sorry, I didn't envision this being so difficult."

He turned his head towards her with a small apologetic smile that always melts her heart.

"It's okay. What do you want to do?"

"Hold you."

She smiled at him.

"That's what I want too."

Then deja-vous hit her in the stomach when he replied with the same tone and expression as years earlier:

"That's lucky."

She couldn't trust herself to speak so nodded her head.

Then he'd turned on his side facing her and held out his arms. She quickly moved inside his embrace, his arms wrapping around her. She didn't want sleep to come as his scent filled her senses and she felt his chest rise and fall beneath her, until she finally succumbed, the rhythm of his heartbeat being her last memory.

Since then, things have proceeded at a slow, tantalizing, pleasurable pace. There isn't the frantic, hungry response of a new love, nor the familiar routine of an established relationship, but gentle, tentative, exciting exploration, that she's finding very satisfying and delicious. Not that she will share any of this with Abbott who's looking at her as if he's expecting an answer. She feels her cheeks redden under his gaze and shifts in her chair.

"What was that Sir?"

Abbott has a slight smile on his face, like he knew exactly what she was thinking, and she feels her face go even hotter.

"I asked if the hours were working out? If Jane was coping at home?"

"Yes, he loves being with the children, in fact we were just discussing last night about me, maybe, adding another day to the week at the end of the month. With looking at coming full time the following month, if that's possible?"

" I can't see it being a problem. You don't see Jane coming back to work?"

"Not at the moment, but should it become possible then we'll go back to the arrangement we had before. I know it's a lot of messing…"

Abbott puts a hand up to silence her.

"It's no problem whatsoever. Jane was hurt in the line of duty. He can take all the time he needs. I understand if he decides not to come back, but I'm hoping that eventually he will return, It's not just his mind that's missed. I miss his friendship too."

Teresa nods in understanding, and makes a note to talk to Patrick about inviting the team over for dinner. Spending time with them might help jolt some memories as well as expanding his world. She's kept it to just the family, except for their trip to California, not wanting to tax him, but he's stronger now and she can't help but feel it will do him good.

Abbott dismisses her and as she leaves his office she feels her phone vibrate in her pocket. She digs it out and the screen announces a text from Patrick. It opens to reveal:

'We just wanted to say hi.'

'Hi, from me'

' Hi, Mommy – from, the next Einstein, Austin,'

'jlisugh - from, self-expressionist Maddie'

She laughs and types a reply on her way back to her desk.


	35. Chapter 35

"Austin, you know the rules. Stay in the car until I have released Maddy from her car seat and have come round to your side. This is a very busy garage."

Austin sits back in to his car seat with a thump, signalling how he feels about the rule. Patrick flashes him a smile.

"Thank you Austin."

Patrick lifts Maddy out of her seat, he bends and picks up the bag in the foot well, then closes the door and makes his way over to Austin's side. Austin is out the door within seconds of Patrick opening it. Patrick locks the car, puts his keys in his pocket and takes Austin's hand. He takes a deep breath before heading for the elevator. He feels Austin squeeze his hand and looks down at him.

"It'll be alright Daddy, I'll help you."

Austin, being his usual perceptive self, had picked up on Patrick's anxiousness at visiting the FBI offices for the first time since the shooting. Patrick knew there would be many people there who will know him but he won't remember. To make things worse, knowing how offices work, the conversation of 'Have you heard what happened to Patrick Jane' would have swept the building and he'll be an object of curiosity.

Patrick admitted to Austin at being nervous about the visit, and Austin instructed him to keep close to him and he'll tell him who everyone is. According to Teresa, Austin is a celebrity at the offices. Not surprising, she continued, since he has as much charm as his father, but is better at using it. Teresa also promised to be at the entrance when they arrive.

And she'd better be, it's her fault he's here. He knows that's not a true statement and that it's something he needs to do. He's known it ever since he recovered a memory of being at the FBI, he's just been putting it off. Teresa did her best to encourage him but he was stubborn. Then at his last visit with the psychiatrist it came up. The conversation had started out innocently enough:

It was one of their couple sessions. After walking into the consultation room, Patrick waited while Teresa sat down and then took his place next to her. He knew the doctor would be watching them closely and what his conclusions would be. He was proven right as the session started with a report on how things were going between the two of them and what their feelings about it were. It had felt good to see the joy in Teresa's face as she talked. It felt really good to know he'd put it there. So much better than the disappointment he's been responsible for in the past. After the doctor had listened to Teresa he turned to Patrick:

"And how do you feel?"

Patrick took a deep breath and hoped it would come out right.

"I'm happy. It feels right lying next to Teresa at night. I feel like…like…I'm home…where I should be. And I want to be there. Making love, I admit, has been scary, It's also been wonderful but not knowing how it was before, and not knowing if I'm still the same man I was before, I was worried that I would do something wrong, that I would be a disappointment. But that doesn't seem to have been the case…"

Patrick felt Teresa squeeze his hand, giving him support and registering her agreement.

"The intimacy we share has helped my feelings for Teresa to grow, and totally opening myself bare to her and only receiving acceptance and love in return has taught me that I can trust her completely. I believe that our relationship grows more and more each day to be as husband and wife. I..I.."

Patrick looked down at his hands, which he wass rubbing against one another. The doctor encouraged him to continue.

"What is it Patrick?"

"I hate that I'm not able to give Teresa the same in return."

Teresa squeezed his hand again.

"Look at me Patrick."

He turned to face her.

"You have nothing to worry about, or to hate yourself for. You're giving me so much more than I dare dream about when you first regained consciousness. I know that you are giving me all that you are able to, what more can someone ask?"

Patrick nodded his head. Teresa turned to the doctor.

"Patrick's remembered a little of his coming to Austin and the circumstances and his boss Abbott."

The doctor's pleasure was written all over his face.

"That's wonderful Patrick."

"I've had bits and pieces return, I don't remember anyone else, or any of the work I've done, in my memories I was being detained."

The doctor nodded his head.

"It's a start, and a good one. It's another facet of your life opening up to you. It would be a good idea to visit the offices, if you haven't already."

Teresa jumped in:

"I've been trying to encourage him to do that, but he won't."

The doctor turned to Patrick intrigued.

"Why not Patrick?"

Patrick shrugged.

"I just don't feel ready."

The doctor studied him closely before speaking again.

"What are you afraid of?"

Patrick put on an affront.

"I'm not afraid of anything. This loss of memory thing is tricky and hard work and just getting through the day, concentrating on my family, is enough for me."

The doctor nodded along with him as Patrick spoke.

"That's true."

The doctor continued to look at Patrick, a trick Patrick knows well and has used many times. If there's silence, people will feel the urge to fill it. Patrick knew he could win this game. He looked down at his hands and inspected his fingernails to distract him from the doctor's gaze. He was horrified to find himself beginning to feel uncomfortable. He analysed himself to figure out why, it's never happened to him before – that he can remember.

It wasn't the doctor's gaze that was getting to him, it was Teresa sitting beside him. He knew she'd brought the subject up because it was important to her, and that she's hopeful that going to work will help. He understands why, it's most likely he's spent most of his waking hours there, with his work colleagues, on a day to day basis, there could be many possible memory triggers. Perhaps he is afraid…afraid of disappointing her…again.

As soon as he thought it, he knew that it wasn't the case. They're building a life together and that's what's important to Teresa. Any disappointment she feels will be on his behalf, because she knows how much he wants his memories to return. To feel whole, to not feel at a disadvantage, that people know more about him than he does.

Is that it? Is he afraid of disappointing himself? He immediately knew that wasn't the truth either. Deep down he knows what the problem is, he's just not sure it can, or will be understood. He took a last look at his hands and turned his eyes to Teresa.

"I may only have thirty years of memories, but they're locked in my memory palace. Every person I've met, who they are, what makes them tick. Every person I meet I have a reading on in a few minutes, giving me the upper hand, because it takes a long time to figure me out."

Teresa smiles ruefully.

"That's true."

"The idea of meeting people who've had the chance to get to know me, and my experience teaches me that some of them will not have my best interests at heart, while I'm going in blind, so to speak, makes me feel uncomfortable."

Patrick could see that his answer had caught Teresa by surprise. He watched her as she thought over his words, she reached out and gently stroked his face.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"I wasn't sure…"

Patrick finishes with a shrug. Teresa smiled gently at him.

"I know you Patrick. You are still full of surprises, but I know what makes you tick. I know how you work, as much as anyone can. I understand why you do the things you do, most of the time, even when I don't agree with you. I will go through the people in the office that you've interacted with on a regular basis, telling you as much as I know about them, and that will give you a starting point."

Patrick pulled her into a hug, feeling relief, but mostly gratitude for this remarkable woman that he had the good sense to marry. He's not sure how he managed to be so lucky twice in his life.

And here he is, armed with the information Teresa gave him and with Austin by his side, but still feeling like he's entering the lion's den.


	36. Chapter 36

Patrick has to keep a firm hold of Austin's hand, when he sees his Mother waiting in the busy foyer, as they exit the elevator from the car park. As soon as Teresa spots them she makes her way towards them, when she's close enough Patrick lets go and Austin flies into his Mother's open arms. They hug and share kisses.

"Wendy can't wait to see you. She has everything prepared."

Patrick knows, from Teresa's tutelage, that Wendy is a stalwart of the FBI, having worked here longer than anyone else. She works on the top floor in charge of administration, and although she has the agents quivering at the thought of not filing their expenditures in a timely manner, she's putty in Austin's hands. Something, apparently, not even he has managed to achieve, not that he ever handed any paperwork in on time, he just ignores her demonstrations. He's been told to expect a cool reception.

This hasn't stopped her falling in love with Austin and talking with Austin, Wendy's his favourite person at the FBI, she always spends time with him and they share a glass of milk and a biscuit as he tells her about nursery and she tells him about her life in Africa as a young girl.

Austin has a serious look on his face.

"Can you tell her that I'll be there in a little while, Daddy needs my help."

Patrick's first instinct is to object and tell Austin that he'll be fine and to go see his friend, but he can see that it's important to his son and so holds his tongue, and instead, rubs his son's hair and says:

"I'm counting on it."

Teresa puts Austin down and takes Maddy from Patrick, who takes Austin's hand.

"Show me the way."

Just then a booming voice sounds out:

"Is that my boy Austin, and his darling sister Maddy?"

Patrick looks towards the sound, to see a giant of a man coming towards them, obviously an agent of long standing, though not one with ambition, likes the to be out in the field. Happily married but with a past sadness, loss of a child, he would guess. He feels Austin tap his arm and looks down at him.

"Agent Foster, he doesn't like you."

Before Patrick has time to ask why the agent is upon them. He turns his attention to Teresa first.

"Lovely to see you Teresa it's been a while. Still married to the bum I see."

Patrick who is facing Teresa, but is unseen by Agent Foster, raises his eyebrows at her. She smiling politely at the agent but Patrick sees an added pull at the corner of her mouth at his gesture.

"Hi Manny, yes I still am, and still very happy."

"Good to hear it, because the day he makes you unhappy, he'll be sleeping with the fishes."

Patrick feels Austin tug at his arm.

"He likes Mom."

"I see that, but then everyone does."

Austin nods his head in agreement. Agent Foster turns towards him.

"Heard about your injury Jane, was bound to happen sometime."

Jane decides nonchalance is the order of the day for this guy.

"Thank you, glad not to disappoint."

"At least it got you out of the crime fighting business."

This is enough for Teresa and she interrupts:

"Hey Foster, I think it's time for you to leave."

The Agent ignores her.

"The whole building gave a huge sigh when they heard."

Teresa speaks through clenched teeth, so as not to upset Maddy in her arms:

"If you don't walk away right now, someone else may find themselves in hospital."

Patrick smiles at the man:

"Seems like you upset my wife. I should get out of here while you still have the use of both your legs."

Agent Foster scowls at Patrick and turns to Teresa.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

Patrick knows he's smirking as he watches her glower at the man.

"It's not me you need to apologise to."

"I'm not.."

The Agent's protest dies away as Teresa continues to pierce him with a stare. He turns around to face Patrick, who feigns a disinterested expression.

"I'm sorry."

He turns abruptly and walks away from the family, who stare after him. Patrick hears Teresa let out a long breath and as she opens her mouth to speak, he holds up a finger and offers a warning:

"Children present."

He watches her check herself and turn to walk away.

"Let's go."

Patrick takes hold of Austin's hand and looks down at him.

"I guess we're moving on."

Austin nods his head and they quicken their pace to catch up with Teresa's disappearing form.

Abbott extends his hand and accompanies it with a beaming smile.

"Jane, how wonderful to see you."

He gives him an appraising look.

"You're looking great."

Jane accepts the offered hand and smiles in return.

"Thank you. I'm feeling a lot better."

"That's good to hear."

Abbott points over his shoulder.

"I have to go and do an interview, but I want to talk to you later."

Jane nods his agreement, and Abbott heads across the room. Jane leans towards his son.

"Finally, someone who likes me."

Austin nods his head. Austin spies Cho entering the bullpen and runs towards him.

"Uncle Cho."

Cho puts down the coffee cup he's holding and catches the excited boy in his arms, lifting him up.

"Hi Austin. I've been waiting for you."

Ausitn's eyes grow wide.

"You have?"

"Your mommy told me you were coming so…"

Cho lowers his voice to a whisper:

"… look what I have in my drawer."

Cho puts Austin down and slides open the top drawer of his desk, Austin peers inside and he bursts in to a smile.

"Thank you Uncle Cho."

"Are you feeding my son candy again?"

Unknown to them both, Teresa has come up behind them.

Cho folds his arms and stands in his intimidating pose.

"A few jelly beans never hurt anyone."

"Can I have them Mommy?"

Teresa looks sternly at the two of them for a moment before breaking in to a smile.

"Of course you can."

"Whoopee."

Cho reaches in and takes out two packets handing one to Austin and the other to Teresa.

"Here's some chocolate for Maddy."

Teresa takes it off him.

"Thanks Cho."

Patrick's only mildly aware of the interaction as he stands at the edge of the room, hands in his pocket slowly looking around. His initial reaction is that the room is cold and impersonal, despite everyone being at close quarters to one another and enough glass to stop people feeling isolated. It's just not comfortable. He finds it hard to believe he enjoys working here every day. He spots something interesting, as it's out of place and heads towards it. As he gets closer he can see that it's quite old. He stops in front of it and closes his eyes, drinking in the smell of the leather.

He's taken by surprise when a hand takes his own, but he doesn't open his eyes.

"You insisted on something comfortable to sit on, well you lay more than you sit, while you work."

"It's certainly the most comfortable thing in this room."

"Yea, I don't like all the glass either. It's like working in a fish bowl."

She extends her hand towards the couch.

"Take a seat."

Patrick makes a small bow.

"Only if you'll join me."

Teresa feigns coyness.

"Me? I'm honoured Sir."

Patrick smiles, pleased that she played along. He indicates for her to sit and then joins her. He notices someone new has entered the bullpen, a blond, curly-haired kid, who Maddy seems to adore. It must be Wiley. The eager computer geek, who Teresa described as sweet and enthusiastic and a bit of a Patrick Jane worshipper. He immediately liked the kid.

He eyes sweep the room once more. So this is his work place and these are his colleagues, his eyes rest on the interview room that Abbott entered. Patrick sits up a little, catching Teresa's attention.

"What is it Patrick?"

Patrick slowly stands, his eyes constantly on the man with Abbott. He starts to walk towards the room, Teresa follows him and repeats the question:

"What's wrong Patrick."

Patrick points.

"That man in there is a cold-bloodied murderer."

As Patrick strides across the floor of the bullpen, Teresa's chasing after him, she grabs him by the arm as he's close to the door where the interrogation is taking place, she opens the door of the room next to it and pushes him inside.

"Where do you think you are going?"

Jane points to the interrogation room next door.

"That man in there is a killer, it's written all over his face."

He turns to face Teresa, who's standing against the door, her arms folded in front of her.

"And what precisely were you thinking of doing once you entered the room?"

Jane spins around and stares at the adjoining wall and then turns back to Teresa, who raises a questioning eyebrow at him.

"I'm not exactly sure, but something would have come to me."

"I'll tell you what would have happened. Abbott would have ushered you out of the door before you had time to come up with a plan, and then he'd demand an explanation from me as to why I can't keep tabs on one errant husband."

Patrick opens his hands out in apology:

"I'm sorry, it's just…"

Patrick turns and looks at the dividing wall again before turning back to Teresa.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. Is he accused of murder?"

Teresa shakes her head.

"No he's just a person of interest at the moment."

She studies her husband for a moment. He looks at her questioningly:

"What?"

"Just give me a minute. Wait here."

She turns and leaves the room."

Patrick sticks his hands in his pockets and turns to face the wall, after a couple of minutes, he rocking back and forth on his heels, a minute later he walks towards the door. As he's opening it, it's pushed back against him, causing him to stagger backwards, Teresa and Abbott enter the room. Teresa has a laptop in her hands. She places it on the table and starts adding plugs. Abbott looks to Jane.

"Teresa tells me you believe the man I'm interrogating is a murderer."

"I don't believe he is one, I know he is."

Abbott shakes his head and smiles.

"Still as sure of yourself as ever."

"I know how to read people and everything about that man tells me that he's killed someone, and that he doesn't care that he's taken a life."

Abbott nods his head.

"I've learnt to trust your insights Jane. Teresa is setting up a video and audio link to the room next door, I would like you to watch my interrogation."

Patrick back peddles unsure now about getting involved.

"I didn't come here to do this, I'm here with the children."

"That's all right, it won't take long, I'm sure Teresa can watch them for a few minutes."

Teresa presses a button and the face of the man in the interview room fills the screen.

"Sure."

She looks encouragingly at her husband.

"You'll be fine Patrick, you're just observing."

"I don't know anything about this stuff."

Teresa touches his arm.

"As you said, you know how to read people, that's all you're doing here, just watch and let Abbott know any thoughts you have and..

She smirks at him.

"You've never let that stop you before."

As Patrick hesitates once more she continues\;

"Or we can just put you in a room with a cold-bloodied murderer, maybe you'll upset him or something, that usually works."

This time it's Patrick's turn to raise an eyebrow at her. Abbott puts himself in the picture.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to Patrick, but any insight will be helpful."

Patrick looks from one to the other and then at the screen. The man is leaning back in his chair, his arms folded, the faintest of smirks on his face.

"Who is it that's dead?"

Abbot exchanges a look with Teresa and answers:

"His co-worker, a young mother, she was beaten to death, found in a dumpster not far from her office."

"What made him a 'person of interest' as you call it?"

"They'd argued earlier in the day. He has an alibi, but we're pretty stuck right now."

Patrick shrugs as he peers closer at the screen.

"Alibi's can be faked. Well he didn't use his hands"

"No, some object was used, it hasn't been identified."

Patrick continues to stare at the screen and absentmindedly pulls out a chair and sits down.

"What's his alibi?"

"He left work early, went shopping at a mall across town. Cameras have him on video, entering but not leaving until later. He has some credit card purchases and his car was in the garage during the time of the murder."

"Mmm, pretty weak."

"Which is why we brought him in."

"He would have kept a trophy, was anything missing from the body."

"All her jewellery, her watch, even her belly button stud."

"That'll be what he kept, more personal, he had to get real close to her to get it. The rest was to make it look like a robbery. What made you think otherwise?"

"We didn't, except the violence was extreme for a robbery."

Patrick now has his hands resting on the table, on top of one another and he's slowly rubbing his chin across the knuckles.

"There had to be a reason why the FBI got the case."

"Political, she's the granddaughter of Senator Bradley."

"Ahh… Well if you search this guy, or his place, you'll find something incriminating."

"We have to have a solid reason for a search warrant, not just your say so."

Patrick looks away from the screen at Abbott.

"Then go get some, I don't have all day. Get him riled up, belittle him, tell him that you know he didn't kill the woman because it took brute force and he's wimpy looking guy, that kind of thing."

Abbott nods his head.

"I get the picture. I'll see what I can do."

Patrick smiles innocently at him.

"I'm sure you'll be fine."

Abbott looks at Teresa, who's battling to hold in a smile, then back at Patrick.

"I'm sure I will."

He opens the door, he stops when half way through and turns to Patrick.

"Thank you, and we miss you."

They watch Abbott enter the room and sit down across from the suspect. Patrick stands up.

"Shall we move on?

Teresa's surprised.

"You're not going to stay and watch?"

Patrick waves his hand as if wiping away the suggestion.

"Nah, my work here is done, it's up to Abbott and the law enforcement machinery.

"You did very good work.."

He looks at her for a moment then asks:

"Do I enjoy it?"

Teresa takes a moment to reply.

"Yes, I think you do. You enjoy the challenge, you seem to enjoy riling up people. Some aspects you don't like, but you look forward to coming to work."

Patrick opens the door and lets Teresa through first. After closing it he, once more, stands and looks around, taking in the furniture, the space, the people and the feel of it. He then gives Teresa, who's looking at him questioningly, a quick smile.

"I spy a kitchen, I could use a cup of tea, crime-fighting is thirsty work."

At that moment Austin jumps down from Cho's desk and runs towards them. Patrick spots him and moves to meet him, sweeping him up into his arms when they meet.

"You been having a good time?"

"Yea, Cho's the best."

"I'm just going to make some tea, shall we see if there's something in there for you to drink?"

Austin nods enthusiastically. Teresa touches his arm.

"I'll rescue Wiley and meet you in there."

Patrick takes a glance at the interrogation room and sees the suspect gesticulating, anger clearly written on his face.

'Job done Mr. Abbott.'

Upon entering the kitchen Jane sits Austin on a chair and, after checking the water levels, he switches on the kettle before opening the fridge. After scanning its contents, he peers over the door towards his son.

"Orange juice, milk, or…"

He holds up a bottle of dark green liquid, gently shaking it from side to side.

"..or whatever this is?"

His voice clearly expressing his thoughts about drinking such a vile coloured liquid."

Austin pulls a face:

"That's Uncle Cho's health drink. It tastes awful!"

"No doubt. So that leaves orange juice or milk."

Austin thinks about it for a moment.

"Mmmm Orange juice, because I'll be having milk with Wendy."

"Ahh yes. Just a little then.."

Teresa entered, with Maddy in her arms, catching the end of the conversation.

"I just talked to Wendy and she's finishing up some work and asks if you can be there in twenty minutes."

Austin nods his approval.

Patrick has the milk and the orange juice in his hands and closes the fridge with his hip.

"I thought milk for Maddy."

He place them on the table and grabs some plastic cups from a cupboard. Teresa notices that he chooses the correct one first time. He place them on the table.

"I presume you're coffee."

Teresa starts pouring the children's drinks.

"Of course."

Patrick turns back to the cupboard and takes down a mug, inspects it's clean before filling it with coffee and handing it to Teresa. He then returns to the cupboard once more and picks up a mug, inspects it and places it on the shelf below. He takes another cup and does the same thing. After the third mug Teresa asks:

"What are you doing?"

Patrick answers as he continues:

"Isn't there a decent cup here for tea?"

"Try at the back, yours is probably there."

"Thank you."

Patrick moves aside more rejected mugs and spies what, his instincts tell him, is the right cup. He takes it out. He's immediately struck by the lines witnessing that the cup was once broken and put back together. He begins to question why he's using a broken cup, a memory strikes him of lights, and a box with tissue paper, inside is the cup and the tender feelings of that moment rush through his veins. He turns to Teresa and other images gather pace, CBI, broken pieces, pigeons, Red John, running. Memories jump all over the place, a note on a door, white walls, a man dying at his hands, blood, lots of blood. He's barely aware of Teresa rushing to his side and supporting him, leading him to a chair, his son asking what's wrong, as his head pulsates with the unrelenting images.

Teresa sends Austin to get Cho, she helps her husband sit down, he puts his head in his hands. Teresa looks back at the broken pieces of the cup on the floor.


	37. Chapter 37

Teresa kneels by her husband, she can feel tremors running through his body as she's gently rubbing his back. She's speaking to him softly, trying to get his attention, to get through to him, without scaring Maddy.

"Patrick, it's okay, you're going to be okay. Can you hear me? Can you tell me what's wrong?"

Patrick finally turns towards her, his eyes are filled with terror and there's no recognition that he sees her. Fear settles in the pit of her stomach. She moves her hand to his face.

"Patrick, it's me Teresa, speak to me please."

A tear fall from his right eye, which he doesn't seem to notice, and Teresa wipes it away. She wraps her arms around him and he lays his head on her shoulder, but makes no move to hold her back. She holds him tight and rocks back and forth, still talking soothingly in his ear.

She feels a hand on her shoulder and Cho's voice:

"What happened?"

"I don't know, he pulled down his cup for some tea, and then his face went white and he dropped his cup.."

She swallows against the tears welling up in her eyes, willing them to stay where they are.

"His face contorted in pain and I helped him over here and sat him down. He's trembling and he's not speaking, he doesn't even seem to hear me, or know I'm here.

She feels Cho crouch down beside her.

"Let me look at him, you look after Maddy and Austin. They need you, they're scared, an ambulance is on its way."

At that moment she becomes aware of Maddy crying, she reluctantly lets go of her husband, she looks into his face, but there's still no recognition, he seems to have retreated in to a world of pain. She stands up, takes a deep breath and plants a smile on her face. She turns around, and is aware of Cho taking her place, crouching down beside her husband, Maddy's stood by her chair, and Austin is beside her, an arm around her shoulder, trying his best to calm her down, but Teresa clearly see that he's struggling himself. Just then paramedics pour into the room. She moves towards her distraught children, picks up Maddy and takes Austin's hand.

"Let's go in to the other room while these men help daddy."

Austin looks up at her.

"What's wrong with Daddy?"

She guides them to the couch and sits down, Austin clamours up beside her. She helps him onto her lap and holds them both close to her.

"I don't really know, but the people in there will help him."

"Something he thought of upset him."

Austin's perceptiveness, never ceases to amaze her. She looks down at him.

"Why do you say that?"

Austin shrugs:

"I could just tell. Is he going to be alright?"

Teresa kisses the top of his head.

"I'm sure he will. It just may take a little while."

Inside she prays that she's right. Austin leans towards his sister.

"See, I told you Daddy would be alright."

Maddy is leaning in against Teresa, her body pressed up as close as possible. Her crying's stopped but is still near the surface. She nods at Austin. Austin turns his attention back to Teresa.

"Will he go to hospital again?"

"I don't know, we'll see what the doctors say."

"They're not doctors Mummy, they're paramedics."

Teresa can't help but smile at her son, dragging her eyes away from the kitchen door.

"Yes they are."

There's a noise and they all look towards the kitchen, the paramedics appear with Jane strapped to a gurney, his eyes are closed and there's an oxygen mask strapped to over his mouth. As Teresa begins to move, Austin climbs off her lap, and holding on to Maddy, she stands up and makes her way to them. They've stop by the elevator, waiting for it to arrive.

"How is he? I'm his wife."

"His blood preassure's all over the place, we've given him a mild sedative to calm him, we're taking him to Austin General, you can follow us down."

"I'll go in my car."

The paramedic nods as the doors open and they take Patrick in to the elevator. Austin waves as the doors close.

"Take care Daddy."

Teresa crouches down to Austin's level.

"I have to go to the hospital and be with Daddy, I will call Mandy to come and get you, and you can play with Poppy until I get back."

"I want to be with Daddy."

"I know, but the doctors will be looking after him right now, I will take you to see him later, okay?"

Austin nods. Cho rests his hand on Teresa's back.

"We'll look after them until the babysitter gets here. I understand Wendy is still waiting to see Austin."

Teresa's waiting in reception to be called to her husband's side. She broke nearly every speed limit getting here, there was a long line at the reception desk, the emergency room was very busy. She was tempted to show her badge and push to the front but the woman at the back of the line had a distressed baby, and she felt guilty pushing passed her. After ten minutes and the child's cries getting louder, the poor Mother was rescued when a nurse came and took her in. By that time there was only one person left. After giving the cheerful receptionist her name and Patrick's name she was directed to a seat with the promise that someone would be out shortly.

She couldn't get the look of distress and horror on her husband's face out of her mind. Even with her eyes open it's all she can see. She could still feel the tremors under her hand, she just wanted to be with him, to hold him. The total lack of recognition in his eyes scared her. She ran through the whole scene in her head and she's certain nothing happened that could have caused a relapse, she's certain he didn't hit his head, while rummaging through the cupboard. She fidgets in her chair and looks towards the doors leading to the treatment area, willing someone to come out to fetch her, but, they remain stubbornly closed.

She needs to be with him. She leans over, resting her arms on her thighs and shakes her head, this can't be happening, she can't lose him again. After everything they've been through, the progress they've made. They were beginning to be a real family again, she had her husband back, slightly different husband, but one she still loves dearly. She was no longer alone, they were working together they were a team, they were pursuing the same goals, had the same concerns, supported one another, committed to one another. Life had a normalcy about it.

It had been good watching him at work. Listening to him cold read the guy. How typical of a solution for him to come up with, to irritate the guy in to making a slip. The familiarity of the scene brings a stab of pain that wrenches at her heart.

She jumps when someone sits down next to her and a familiar voice speaks her name. She looks up into the face of Patrick's psychiatrist. Panic chokes her, has everything she's feared come true? The doctor smiles reassuringly at her.

"Patrick's doing fine."

His words bring hope and relief.

"You've talked to him?"

The doctor shakes his head.

"No, I haven't, they had to sedate him some more, he became very upset and they were afraid he might hurt himself or someone else. He was struggling violently as he returned to consciousness.

Teresa's heart sinks at his words.

"Then Patrick isn't alright, he's not a violent man. Did he seem aware of where he is? Did he ask for me?"

"The emergency doctor related to me that he was unaware of his surroundings and that he talked about blood, about his family, about Red John."

Teresa feels like she's been hit in the stomach.

"He's back with them. Have I lost him?"

The doctor shakes his head.

"I don't think so, I think he's remembered, I think that his mind's being bombarded with a lot of difficult memories and it's not able to cope, but it will."

"You can't be certain of that?"

"No, I can't, but it's why I'm here. It's why I get the 'big bucks', as they say. I'm good at my job Teresa and it's time for me to start earning my money."

Suddenly Teresa's overwhelmed with fatigue, she feels weary, all she wants to do is see him.

"Can I see him?"

The doctor stands up and looks kindly at her.

"Yes you can, he's sleeping, and he'll soon be transferred on to my ward. They're getting his room ready. We will control his return to conciousness and then see where we are."

Teresa looks up at him stunned.

"Your ward? You're admitting him into the psychiatric unit?"

"It's just a regular ward, it looks like every other ward in the hospital. There are no padded walls, or barred windows, they're even allowed sharp eating utensils"

The twinkle in the doctor's eye reassures Teresa that he's not offended.

"I'm sorry doctor, it's just…it's just.."

"I know his history Teresa."

Teresa nods, of course he does.

"Come lets go see your husband, I think you need to hold his hand."


	38. Chapter 38

The doctor sweeps back the curtain and finally Teresa sees her husband. He's alone, and she moves closer to him, while his doctor scans his chart, satisfied with what he reads.

"I'll come see him when he's settled in his room. It shouldn't be long before he's moved."

Teresa tears her eyes away from her husband and nods at him. The doctor smiles reassuringly and retreats. She turns her eyes back to Patrick and searches his face.

She pleased to note that his features are relaxed, no trace of the torment he was suffering. She leans over and kisses him on the lips and on his cheek, moving towards his ear.

"Stay with me Patrick, we can get through this, I can help you. I love you, Maddy loves you, and Austin loves you. We want you home with us."

She stands up and studies him, there's no change. Did she expect any? In her deepest of hearts, she wanted her voice to wake him up and he takes one look at her and announces that he loves her, that he remembers everything. That everything's as it should be. But life's rarely a fairy tale.

She smiles to herself as the thought brings back a memory of before Austin was born and he insisted that there were to be no fairy tale books in the house. Teresa had looked at him in disbelief, she'd loved reading the elaborately decorated books as a child. Sometimes imagining herself as the princess and but more often as the prince.

"Why not? I loved them, when I was a girl."

Patrick had looked at her, an exaggerated look of shock on his face.

"You surprise me Agent Lisbon. They downgrade woman, needing a man to rescue them from peril, or their awful lives. Not to mention the false idea of 'happily ever after'. No. I don't want my child exposed to such nonsense."

"They're just stories that ignite imagination and bring hours of pleasure."

Patrick had snorted.

"Hours of pleasure. Do you know that the real stories are gruesome and immoral and not fit for my eyes never mind our childs."

"Thankfully they were revised and cleaned up and they're the only ones our child will read."

Then a thought struck her and she began to pick up the entire set of books. Patrick protested:

"Hey, what are you doing?"

She started to count off with the fingers of her free hand.

"Toy Story, one two and three. Bugs life, Shark's tale, Finding Nemo, Up. I could go on, but I've ran out of fingers."

"And what's your point?"

"Modern Day fairy tales, and you've bought them all."

Patrick's mouth gaped open and raised his finger.

"Now, they're different."

She'd stared at him, demanding his reasoning..

"Better female characters.."

Teresa looks at him unconvinced.

"Some do, some not, but they have happy ever after.. not that I'm complaining, there's nothing wrong with a child believing in that for a little while."

She'd bought the whole range and credit to Patrick, he never objected when, every night Austin wanted him to read one to him.

Her thoughts are interrupted when the curtain is pulled back and the small cubicle becomes filled with people. Two nurses and a porter. One of the nurses announces to Patrick:

"Time to get you to your ward Patrick."

The Porter moves to the head of the bed, while the nurses pile hospital paraphernalia on top of it. The nurse that spoke addresses Teresa.

"You must be his wife?"

Teresa nods.

"We're taking him to ward 34, it'll take a while to get him settled in, if you want to get a cup of coffee."

Teresa doesn't like the idea of being parted from him so quickly, she'd never forgive herself if she wasn't with him when he wakes up. If he found himself alone. She doesn't know what to expect, but she's hoping her presence can keep him grounded in the present.

"If it's alright, I prefer to stay with him."

The nurse can see the worry and panic in Teresa eyes and smiles reassuringly.

"Of course, that's fine. We never mind an extra pair of hands to get everything upstairs."

Teresa smiles gratefully and, relunctantly, letting go of Patrick's hand she stands up.

The nurse hands her a small carrier bag, when she opens it, she sees, it contains his personal belongings. His wallet, and keys, and a handkerchief. Also three smooth stones, of different colours, with beautiful markings. She blinks away tears that suddenly threaten. Going through Patrick's pockets is always like going through a six year olds. The stones are a remnant of a walk that he and the children took around the neighbourhood two days ago. If she called him on it, he would protest that he'd forgotten about them. Depending on her mood at the time, she may or may not point out that he'd since transferred his belongings from one pair of trousers to another.

She feels a hand on her shoulder, followed by a sympathetic voice:

"Are you alright Mrs. Jane?"

Teresa tries a smile.

"I'm fine…it's just….."

Teresa doesn't know how to articulate all she feels, all she's – they've been through, in just a few words, and lets it trickle away. The nurse squeezes her arm.

"I've worked with Doctor Armitage a long time. He's an excellent doctor."

Teresa nods her head.

The nurses lift up the sides of the gurney, and with the porter, take up their stations around the bed.

"Now let's get out of here."

They've just left the cubicle when security guards come rushing in.

"There's a fire in the toilets, get everyone out that can be moved until we've got it under control and we're sure that it's safe. Those who can't be moved, prep them so they can.

Instead of being in the ward, Teresa finds herself standing by Patrick's bed in a corner of the carpark furthest away from the building. They parked him there and went off to help remove other patients. The nurse that seemed in charge, had laid her hand on her arm and apologised, telling her that he will moved back inside and to the ward as soon as possible.

Teresa looked around her, there were people pouring out of the doors, milling around, talking to each other about this unexpected development. A security guard was trying his best to direct them to safety, but most weren't listening to him. His was red in the face, running from one group of people to the next, trying to get their co-operation. She turns from the scene to look at her husband, who's sleeping through the excitement.

There's no shade and the sun is shining on Patrick's face, causing his blond locks to glow. The glow and his peaceful sleep, make him appear much younger. Younger than when he first came into her life. She wishes she'd known him then, but then she remembers the taste she'd received while he was in his fugue state, and she wonders if she would have liked him. He was a flirt, a thief, devious and unscrupulous. She strokes his cheek.

"Now is enough for me. Give that to me Patrick if you can. You want it too and you're very good at getting what you want."

The air erupts as a fire engine approaches the hospital, its lights and sirens blazing, the sound's deafening and Teresa covers her ears against the sound. As the truck comes to a stop and firefighters come pouring out, the thought crosses her mind how much Austin would have loved it – Patrick too. She removes her hands from her ears and instinctively reaches for Patrick's hand. She's startled when she feels movement against her skin, and immediately turns to look at him.

His eyes are still closed but now she denotes tension in his features. She squeezes his hand and moves closer. Bending down she tries to reassure him.

"Patrick, you're okay, it's me Teresa. "

"Charlotte! No!"

His eyes suddenly pop open, full of terror and torment. Teresa places her hands on his shoulders as he attempts to sit up, he fights against her, his torment increasing his strength, She knows she can't hold him for long. She tries to get through to him.

"Patrick, it's me Teresa, you're in the hospital, you need to stay in bed."

She's aware of help as stronger hands join her own. She looks up to find the doctor there.

He nods towards the bottom of the bed and Teresa can see a nurse injecting something into Patrick's I.V. line. All the time Patrick is repeating Angela and Charlotte's name and Red John.

The medicine quickly takes it effect and Teresa can feel her husband weakening under her hand. Doctor Armitage releases his hold and stands up.

"Let's get him up to the ward now."

Patrick's eyes are closed once more as he's whisked away. The doctor indicates for Teresa to walk with him as they follow the bed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't find out that he wasn't in the ward until I attempted to see him, to regulate his wakening procedure. The fire alarm didn't effect out part of the building, The fire's out now, by the way."

They lose track of the bed as they're delayed by the swarms of beds and people making their way back into the hospital. Teresa searches for a sight of him and catches him as elevator doors closes taking him further into the building.

"What happens now? He's still locked in the past."

The doctor can here the concern and disappointment in Teresa's voice.

"The medicine I gave him, was to relax him, I should be able to talk to him when we get upstairs and the goal is to move him through the memories and bring him back to here."

"You think that's possible?"

They're, now, at the elevators and step in as one opens. He looks intently at Teresa.

"I'm very hopeful. He's coped with his past, he dealt with it and learnt to move on. Those memories are in there too. He just needs help to focus on them rather than the ones causing him distress."

"What if the distressful ones are all he remembers?"

The doctor gives her a tight smile.

"That's where the hope comes in."


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than the other's as the next one is the same scene from Patrick's point of view and I will post that tomorrow.

Only when Teresa feels her body relax as she walks through the ward towards her husband's room does she realise how apprehensive she's been about what it would be like. True to the doctor's word, its appearance is like any other ward. Rooms along the sides with a reception area in the middle. The patients, like in any other ward are, either, sleeping, reading, watching tv, talking with visitors or amongst each other. She realises she'd been expecting images portrayed in old films and chides herself. The doctor leads her to Patrick's room and holds the door open for her to enter.

Patrick's awake and turns his head towards them, upon hearing the door open. His movements are slow and deliberate. Even when he was recovering from the shooting, and he was trying to grasp the situation, his eyes had been sparkling with intelligence, he'd quickly understood the situation and taken on the challenge of what needed to be done. The eyes staring at her now are dull, his torment still visible, she wonders if that's from his memories or from what's happening to him, She quickly hides the shock she feels as she hardly recognises the Patrick staring back at her.

The doctor grabs a chair that's lying against the wall and places it near the bed, indicating for Teresa to take it, he sits on the chair near the top of the bed, nearest Patrick. He crosses his legs and arms in a non-threatening gesture and smiles at him.

"Hi Patrick. Do you know who I am?"

Patrick doesn't reply and the doctor points to Teresa.

"Do you know who she is?"

Patrick's eyes slowly make their way to Teresa, as they rest on her Teresa can see him searching for the answer. He nods his head. He answers and his voice is thick and his words deliberate as if he has to work out how to form them before speaking.

"Agent Lisbon."

Teresa's heart sinks at the use of the title, he's forgotten about 'them'. The doctor anticipating her reactions, looks towards her reassuringly.

Desperation enters Patrick's eyes.

"My wife and child are dead, I..I came home and found them….there's so much blood, so…much blood."

A tear trickles down his cheek, that he shows no awareness of, the doctor lays his hand on Patrick's arm.

"Look at me Patrick, you need to listen to me carefully. It happened a long time ago. You've been involved in an incident where you hurt your head and you forgot a lot of things. But now you remember and I need to help you sort out the past from the present."

Patrick tears his eyes away from Teresa and looks at the doctor with bewilderment. The doctor repeats his words. Patrick looks back at Teresa, she can read that he's asking for confirmation, she nods her head.

The doctor stays silent allowing Patrick time to digest the information and make some sense of it. Patrick's eyes never stray from Teresa, his connection to her, still strong, still important to him. He addresses his next question to her.

"How long ago?"

Teresa glances at the doctor and he nods to her, to let her know she should answer.

"Nearly twenty years ago."

Teresa's horrified when Patrick shakes his head and show signs of distress.

"No, no that's not right, it's not that long."

He looks directly at her, his expression accusatory.

"Why are you lying to me, Agent Lisbon?"

Teresa's eyes sting at his words. The doctor reaches out and lays a hand on Patrick's arm, and Patrick turns to him.

"Stay calm Patrick. This is going to be difficult, but you must try to stay calm, the more upset you get, the harder it will be for you to think clearly. Now take some deep breaths."

Patrick does as he's told and the tension leaves his face and the doctor continues.

"That's better. She's not lying to you, you only remember so much. I want you tell me what you remember."

Patrick eyes fill with torment once more.

"The blood….so much blood…their eyes….staring….accusing…."

The doctor interrupts, speaking kindly, but firmly. Teresa becomes aware that she's twisting her fingers, she forces them apart and mimics the doctor's earlier relaxed pose as she remembers the doctor's instructions that it's important to stay calm and relaxed. To show no distress at whatever her husband may say or do. Doctor Armitage is leaning close to Patrick as he speaks:

"Yes Patrick, you came home to find your family had been killed, it was terrible thing, a nightmare. You held them close to you for a while and then what did you do?"

Patrick's nodding along with the doctor as he speaks. When he asks the question he stares at him for a long moment and then Teresa can see him, reluctantly search for the answer.

"I called the police."

The Doctor nods in agreement.

"Patrick turns to Teresa.

"But it wasn't you."

Teresa smiles at him.

"No, we met later…in Sacramento. Do you remember?"

Patrick thinks and then nods.

"Yes, you were much younger then.."

"As were you."

Patrick smiles for the first time since they entered the room, it's a tired smile but it sends a warm rush of hope through Teresa.

"Yes, I guess I was."

Patrick continues to stare at Teresa, she holds his gaze, willing him to remember her as his wife. The doctor interjects:

"What do you remember of that meeting Patrick? Of meeting Teresa, Agent Lisbon?"

Patrick glances at the doctor and then returns his gaze to Teresa.

"I was looking for Red John. I must admit, I didn't expect such a young agent in charge, yet you seemed to understand why I was there. You treated me with kindness, but you tried to steer me away."

A smile twitches at the edges of his lips once more.

"You said I looked like a homeless person. Told me to clean myself up."

A laugh escapes from Teresa's lips at the memory.

"Yes I did, and I still think I was right."

They hold each other's gaze once more.

"You gave me a job."

Teresa nods her head.

"You became my consultant and you turned out to be a very good detective. You also made life very interesting."

He nods his head.

"That's good, life should be interesting."

The doctor interrupts:

"What can you remember about your life at the CBI Patrick?"

Patrick slowly moves his eyes towards him. Teresa recognises the look of irritation that crosses his face.

"There's nothing I can make sense of."

Doctor Armitage tries to coax him:

"Come on Patrick, think of one, something to do with Agent Lisbon perhaps."

He slumps down against his pillow. Weariness etched in every line of his face. His body deflating like a punctured balloon. He looks to Teresa.

"I'm sorry but they're just a jumble."

It's obvious that Patrick is struggling, his eyes are embedded in sunken holes, the tension in his face evident. Teresa suspects he has a headache.

"I think Patrick needs to rest Doctor."

"I quite agree. You've doing very well Patrick, I'm very pleased."

He stands up and looks to Teresa.

"If it's okay doctor, I'd like to stay a little bit longer."

The doctor gives a little bow of his head.

"Of course, I would like to speak with you before you go."

Teresa nods her accent. The doctor turns and says goodbye to Patrick, who has his eyes closed. He lifts his hand in acknowledgement. Teresa takes the vacated chair and sits down as the door closes behind her. She's not sure what to make of what's happened. It's disappointing that he's seems to have forgotten their relationship once more, but she's hopeful that progress can be made, he appears to remember more things. She's not sure she should bring Austin, as promised, to see him. It could be upsetting for them both. She's taken by surprise when Patrick suddenly opens one eye, a smile dancing on his lips.

"Exactly when did you start calling me Patrick?"


	40. Chapter 40

To Patrick it feels like his mind is filled with cotton wool, blocking his memories so they can't link together, and he can't make sense of everything. Like the picture he has in his mind of his wife and daughter brutally murdered, blood everywhere, their blood. His mind won't co-operate, no matter how hard he tries, there are no connections, no answers to his questions. Why are they dead? Who killed them? How did he get here?

It's a hospital room, that much he knows, that and his family are dead. Or is his mind playing tricks on him? Are they alive? Is this some fantasy he's created? Has he gone mad somehow? But if they're alive, why is he alone?

He turns as he hears the door open, maybe finally he will receive some answers. One is obviously a doctor, the woman…the woman is familiar, but from where? He concentrates on her, fighting to find the answer, she's obviously a cop. He hears the doctor ask him if he knows who he is. He has no idea so ignores him. Yes definitely a cop. Not in uniform, so a detective. No, that's not right, what else? An FBI agent maybe. Agent that's it! On cue the doctor asks who she is and should he really be this proud of himself that he can answer?

"Agent Lisbon."

His mind makes a connection.

A cop! Red John! My wife and child are dead! They really are dead! So much blood…so much blood.

He hears the doctor demanding he looks at him, but she's the cop, she's the one with the answers.

But what is that he's talking about? A long time ago, an accident. Forgotten. He reluctantly turns from Agent Lisbon, he needs to listen to what the doctor's saying. Luckily he repeats it, but it still doesn't make sense, it can't be true. It sounds a fantastic story, but the doctor looks like he's telling the truth. It would explain things. Explain why he's here, why his mind isn't co-operating. But he just hugged his wife and his daughter, gave them each a kiss goodbye as he went to the television studio. It wasn't years ago, He looks towards Agent Lisbon, he's certain she'll tell him the truth.

She looks so sad, she nods her head.

How can this be true? He has to ask the obvious question.

"How long?"

She checks with the doctor before answering.

"Nearly twenty years ago"

He's stunned, why would she say such a ridiculous thing? They were alive, they were just alive. He can still feel them in his arms, hear their voices. Why is she lying to me?

He feels a hand on his arm and turns to look at the doctor.

He tells me to stay calm. How can I stay calm, my family are dead and everyone's lying to me! But he makes sense. I know the mind works better when calm, and I need it to work better.

As he copies the doctors deep breathing, he feels some of the tension leave his body, his mind relaxing, expanding. He thinks of a babies cloth building block held tight in the hand, and when the hand opens it slowly relaxes back into its original shape. The doctors right he must stay relaxed, connections will be made.

The doctor saying she's not lying, he wants to know what I remember.

The blood that's what I remember. They're lifeless bodies, eyes open in death, it was my fault!

He knows I held them. I held them for a long time, I kissed them, pleaded with them, told them I was sorry, over and over again. A nightmare, he says, he has no idea. He talks about it so matter of fact, as if it's a fact of life, not something that's tearing me apart. He wants to know what I did next. I don't know, my wife and child are all I can think about.

He's waiting for an answer.

What would I do next? The police, I would call the police. That will satisfy him.

As I say it, there it is, I did call the police, but it wasn't Agent Lisbon.

She smiles when I say it, she happy I remember that. Sacramento she says.

Yes. Sacramento. I went looking for Red John, Red john killed my family. She was younger then. It did happen a long time ago.

I guess she's right, I must be older too. I like her. Yes I liked her immediately on meeting her.

He asks what I remember.

She was kind, she didn't want me there, not because I was a nuisance, but because she cared, she felt I should just get on with my life, she felt sorry for me, she told me I looked a mess. I liked that, blunt, forthright, I can trust her.

I made her laugh. She has beautiful eyes, she knows me. I worked for her. She liked me working for her. We were friends. Yes I was a detective, of course I was good.

As I look at her images flash through my mind of dead bodies, car rides, chats stretched out on a sofa.

I wish that doctor would leave me alone. He wants one memory, but they fleet in and out so fast it's hard to capture one. It's hard. I must apologise to her, I know she wants it more than the doctor.

Thank goodness they're talking about leaving me alone. She's right, rest is what I need. Sleep is a great healer. I close my eyes but my mind is holding on to something that didn't seem right. She called me Patrick, she's never called me Patrick. How do I know that?

Connections are being made everywhere, so many memories, it really was a long time ago. I feel like I was an empty, inflatable dummy that's being pumped full of air. Like that old cliché of finding oneself. I am Patrick Jane, I went looking for Red John and found a best friend.

"When did you start calling me Patrick?"

She returns my smile, she likes it when I smile.

"You're remembering."

There's still a sadness there, she looks at her hands and I follow her gaze. She's twisting a ring. I ask her in wonder.

"When did you get married?"

As I give her a closer look I realise something else.

"You have children too."

She's hesitating answering, she looks uncomfortable, she's avoiding looking at me.

"What's wrong? Don't I like him?"

Finally she looks at me.

"You're suppose to be getting some rest. We can talk about it later."

She stands up. I ask her surprised:

"You're leaving?"

She plays with getting her bag on her shoulder.

"I need to get home."

"Ah to the family."

She walks to the door. After opening it she turns to look at me.

"Goodbye, I be back later."

I smile at her, because she likes it when I smile.

"I'll be here."

She flashes me the saddest smile before closing the door. I look to the ceiling. There's something I'm missing but it hurts to think. I let myself relax hoping that sleep will help make everything clearer.


	41. Chapter 41

After parking the car in the driveway of her home, Teresa wearily rests her forehead on the steering wheel. After leaving Jane she went to the nurse's station to inquire as to the whereabouts of Doctor Armitage, remembering that he wanted a word with her before she left. It was so hard to close the door on Patrick, every fibre of her being was pulling her back in. If she stayed he might remember, he might remember that he loves her, that they're married, that they have two beautiful children that they adore. That his tortured past is behind him. He's lived it, suffered it, dealt with it and overcame it. That in the present he's found happiness, contentment, love. A love that grew slowly, imperceptibly, both unaware it was happening until it was ingrained in each other so deep, that ties couldn't be broken, no matter the cost, no matter the risk.

The doctor had been encouraging.

"It's a good sign that he remembers things he couldn't remember this morning"

"But,"

She countered:

"He doesn't remember this morning. He doesn't remember the time after the accident, all the progress we've made together, he's forgotten it all."

She was struggling between anger and despair and as she talked to the doctor. She allowed his calm tone to fuel her anger, allowing it to win out so she could hold back the tears that now, flow freely.

She indulges herself for a few minutes, allowing her despair and frustrations free rein. No holding them in check, no longer being strong. She feels like a child, weak,with a desire so strong that it hurts, for someone to wrap their arms around her, to hold her, tell her that it's okay, that she's not alone, that they will help, they will tell her what to do. Tell her the way to help her children to feel they have nothing to fear as their world is turned upside down again, that they are still surrounded by love and protection. That she will love them enough for two until their daddy's back with them.

She realises that she's praying, praying fervently for the divine assistance she believes is out there. As her thoughts continue to turn outwards, the strength of her emotions begin to weaken and she starts to gain control. She can almost picture them receding, being drawn backwards towards a hole, slipping down, growing smaller, until the last drop is gone. She sits still, searching within herself, taking deep calming breaths, then suddenly a feeling of peace warms her heart and continues to grow, and expands until her whole body is consumed, filling her with warmth and love. She succumbs to the feeling, until it also begins to recede leaving behind calmness and strength.

She wipes her eyes, looks at herself in the rear view mirror. She reaches to the glove box and removes a packet of wipes. She pulls one out and holds it against her eyes, enjoying the coolness against the heat.

Her mind replays the conversation with her husband, she can't deny it was nice that he did now remember her. He knew who she was, she could see it in his eyes, recognition, familiarity, intimacy born from the years of their friendship. Gone was the hesitation, the confusion, the fear. He may not be her husband yet, but she has him back. She's surprised to find herself smiling, as the thought crosses her mind. 'What is Patrick Jane going to think when he discovers that they're married.'

She takes a deep breath, wads up the wipe and shoves it in her pocket and opens the car door.

Patrick throws back the covers and sits himself up, swinging his legs around the edge of the bed. He needs the toilet, he's examined himself, he seems to be in one piece, no reason why he can't get out of bed. His head is clearer than the last time he was awake. He's been lying in bed for a few minutes, replaying the conversation with the doctor and Lisbon. He realises he's no idea what year it is. He's knows it isn't the year he thinks it is, Lisbon isn't married in that year, not even dating. He stands up and dragging his i.v. pole with him, makes his way to the door he was grateful to spot in the wall beyond his bed, he assumes it's a bathroom. With no other clothes except his hospital gown, he's pleased not have to grace the more public areas.

He determinedly avoids looking at himself in the mirror until after relieving himself. He straightens up and steels himself then turns towards the sink and the mirror. Since making the determination to visit the bathroom and realising that an altered version of himself will stare back at him in the mirror, he's tried to develop a picture in his mind as to what to expect.

Almost twenty years, he'll be coming up to fifty years old. That alone is hard to get his head around. He'd been blessed with fewer grey hairs than most men of his age, has that continued? Or was there a sudden invasion and his blond locks are no more. Although not the vain man he used to be he's relieved that he still has hair and is not sure what he'll think about a grey version of himself suddenly thrust upon him.

It's surreal the reflection staring back at him, being him but not quite. He's still blond, though he sees an increase of grey hairs glistening in the light. He sticks his tongue out. Yes the man in the mirror does the same. He winks, he yawns, he crosses his eyes. The reflection did it all, at exactly the same time, it must be him. He studies him further, noting the deepening of the lines in his face, the effect of gravity, but pronounces that it's not too bad. He can live with himself, though it may take a while to get used to himself. The thought strikes him. Is he still searching for Red John? Is he still killing people, or did he find him?

He washes his hands while still staring at himself, he then cups his hands, and after filling them with water he rinses his face. It even feels different. The changes are subtle but they're there. He grabs a towel and dries himself and leaves the bathroom. As he pushes his iv pole back against the bed, he notices for the first time the label stuck to it. Austin Travis County integral care. He almost falls on to the bed in shock. Austin! That's in Texas! What's he doing in Texas? And Lisbon too? It does explain the accents. Boy what had they given them that he hadn't questioned the accents.

Memories flash before his eyes, they make no sense. He lays down on the bed, his hands under his head and closes his eyes. He slows his breathing, he mentally moves the flashes of memories to one side. He conjures up his memory palace, then pulls the memories forward one by one. He studies them, puts them together to form pictures, moving them around until they make sense.

He killed Red John. He takes a moment to savour the event. It felt good, still feels good. McCallister! What a snivelling fool he turned to be. CBI was dismantled, he went away, then a job offer with the FBI, he brought Lisbon back. A broad smile breaks across his face, he's getting there.

He turns towards the door as it creaks open. The woman who appears to be his assigned nurse enters. She smiles at him.

"You're looking better."

"I'm doing much better."

"That's great. Your wife will be very happy when she comes in."

He sits straight up, his eyes wide with surprise..

"My wife?!"

Patrick watches as the nurse flusters, her face turning red with embarrassment.

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't stand there apologising, what do you mean, my wife! My wife is dead, the only person who's visited me has been my friend…"

As Jane gesticulates the ring on his left hand catches his eye, stopping him mid-sentence. It's different, it's not his, but it must be, why would he be wearing it? He slumps back on the pillows. The nurse moves towards him.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Jane…"

Patrick waves her apology away.

"Please leave me alone."

The nurse stops.

"Of course."

She turns and walks out the door in search of Doctor Armitage.

Patrick stares at the ring, twisting his hand to look at it at different angles. After a few moments he slowly removes it from his finger. He rolls it between a finger and thumb. It's newer, but not really new. He looks for an inscription, but there isn't one. It's definitely not the one Angela put on his finger. He studies his, now, empty ring finger. The mark of the absent ring clearly showing. He's worn it for long enough.

He remembers the conversation he had with Lisbon, how uncomfortable she was. He'd mistaken the reason why. He's married to Lisbon – Teresa, explains the Patrick. How does he feel about it? He sinks back against the pillows as he searches within himself as he lets the idea, the fact, sink in. He closes his eyes and conjurs up Lisbon's – Teresa's face before him. He can't help the smile forming on his lips at the memory of her delightful smile, when she knows she got the upper-hand for once. Her green eyes sparkling with amusement and victory. As much as he likes to win, has an almost pathological need to win, it's his favourite smile.

He feels a warmth settling in himself. The realisation isn't unsettling, he's cared about her for a long time. Has he loved her just as long? The Red John days were so filled with hatred, revenge, guilt and fear, there was no room for love. That he allowed their friendship to blossom was scary enough, but he'd found it impossible to resist. He should have walked away, he was selfish to stay, to risk her life, because he couldn't stand the thought of facing the day, facing his battle without her. When he was in Las Vegas, he always knew he would be returning and that had made the absence palatable. The newly acquired memory of his return to the USA, his seeing Lisbon, Teresa, for the first time at the FBI building pushes its way to the front of his mind. The joy he felt as she turned around, he'd missed her so much. He gathered her into his arms as much to confirm she was really there, this was no figment of his imagination. At that moment he realised he didn't care what happened to him now he'd returned. All that mattered was that he was back and he had his best friend back in his life again.

Patrick almost laughs out loud. That's really what he thought to himself: 'His best friend' He'd been away for two years and couldn't, or wouldn't recognise it for what it was. You really are a coward Jane, or clueless. He understands what was driving him. He'd lost once, he didn't want to lose again. He feared he wouldn't survive a second time. He speaks out loud:

"At least that's what you told yourself. In reality you didn't want to hurt like that again. Survival has never been an issue with you."

He looks at the ring and defends himself:

"I did it though. I found the courage to overcome my fears, I've risked it all. I wonder why? How? What shoved me along that path?"

He stares at the ring contemplating, musing to himself and then it hits him:

"She must have been going away."

More memories begin to unfold, one leading to the next. Pike, he only wants her to be happy – "Idiot" is his commentary on that line, though he did recognise his sincerity. He groans at his antics in Miami, and almost cheers Lisbon's -Teresa's response. The dash to the airport, his spouting of his deepest feelings as he watches Lisbon - Teresa dissolve into tears, telling him it's too late, and him almost wishing that it was, she deserved so much more.

The tender scene in security, where he looked at her in a daze, hardly believing she was there in front of him. She- Teresa, wasn't on the plane, she was sitting in front of him. She asked him to repeat that he loved her, but all he wanted, once more, was the reassurance that she was real. He leaned over and kissed her for the very first time.

How could he ever forget that first kiss? He was shaking, sure he'd kissed twice before, but not like this. Not when it meant so much, when he was trying to convey so much. As their lips met he felt a deep warmth enter his being, a feeling that he was finally where he was supposed to be, finally his heart was open. The kiss was gentle and slow, not wanting it to end. When they parted he stared at her, enjoying the slight flush in her cheeks, knowing he'd put it there. They shared an embarrassed smile, she brushed back her hair from her face.

"Abbott's getting you out of here, the officials are being a little stubborn."

He shrugged and sat back in his chair as the door opened.

As he ponders over this revelation, allowing it to sink in, enjoying the memories that follow, the rest of the conversation hits him with a fierce blow to his chest, so hard he can hardly breathe. She's had a child, although he realises now she never confirmed it, it was clear, she had the eyes of a Mother.

I'm a Father!

Austin sits on Teresa's lap, they're halfway through their third story. She reaches out and strokes his face, pushing his fringe away from his eyes. She can still see the tracks left by the tears shed when he discovered he wasn't going to see his daddy. She'd sat him down and explained that he was just too ill at the moment. She felt bad when she lied to him, telling him that children weren't allowed to visit him, but that he would be able to soon. Although she's been able to distract him with books and games she knows the tears will start once more when she has to leave. She glances up at the clock, Cho will be here in half an hour.

She's dreading it, almost as much as she can't wait to see him. Her phone rings and after digging it out of her pocket she recongnises the number as Dr. Armitage's office. Her stomach twists, certain there must be a problem.

"Hi."

"Mrs Jane?"

"Yes."

"This is Penny, Dr. Armitage's nurse."

She wants to come straight out and ask what the problem is, but is mindful of Austin listening in.

"What is it?"

"Dr. Armitage instructed me to call, he wonders if you could come in straight away and talk to him before you see Mr. Jane?"

Nothing the nurse is relaying is making Teresa feel any better.

"I have to wait for my baby sitter, he'll be here in half an hour."

Teresa hears muffled tones, surmising the nurse has covered the mouthpiece while she talks to someone else. Penny comes back on the line.

"Sorry about that Mrs Jane, Doctor Armitage just came in and I relayed your information. He wants to talk to you."

Teresa waits impatiently as the phone is passed to him. She's aware of Austin listening closely to the conversation.

"Teresa."

"Yes."

"You can bring the children in with you."

"I'm not sure that's wise…"

"Patrick remembers."


	42. Chapter 42

Doctor Armitage rushed to Jane's room upon hearing the nurse's tale. He opened the door to find Patrick out of bed searching the cupboard. He looked up at the doctor and demanded:

"Where are my clothes?"

Since it's obvious they're not in the cupboard, where they would normally be, the doctor suggested an alternative:

"Maybe Teresa.."

Patrick cut him off:

"You mean my wife."

Doctor Armitage nodded.

"Yes, your wife."

He moved further into the room and indicated towards the bed.

"Why don't you sit down for a moment so we can talk."

"I don't want to talk, I want to go home to my family. I've examined myself and I seem perfectly fine. I see no reason for me to be here."

The doctor pointed towards the bed once more.

"Since you have to wait for some clothes, let's take the opportunity to talk so I can make that diagnosis myself."

Patrick stared at him, his impatience clearly written on his face. The doctor tried again.

"Please humour me."

Patrick stared for a beat more, then jumped on to the bed.

"So what do you want to talk about Doc?"

The doctor pulled out a chair and sat down.

"You say that Teresa's your wife, do you remember that she is, or did you work it out?"

"I worked it out, then I remembered that she had a child..."

The doctor was surprised.

"She told you that?"

"No, it was plain to see that she's a Mother."

The doctor nodded.

"But I was wrong, she hasn't one child, she has two. No. We have two."

The doctor smiled.

"You do remember."

"A boy, called Austin, and a girl called Maddy."

"That's excellent. What's the last thing you remember outside of the hospital?"

Patrick pondered for a few moments.

"Being at the office, we were working a case."

"Which case?"

Patrick sighed impatiently:

"What difference does that make?"

"Just trying to gage how much you remember."

"It's a case involving some kind of bank fraud that led to murder, which is where we became involved."

The doctor nodded his head.

"That's very good. You went to question a witness and things went awry and you were shot in the head which resulted in some major memory loss. Do you remember it at all?"

Patrick closed his eyes, searching his memory palace, and finally shook his head.

"That's not unusual."

The doctor shifted in his chair and Jane looked at him sharply.

"What is it doc,? There's something you don't want to tell me"

"It's not that I don't want to tell you, but it'll be difficult for you."

"Then don't tell me."

The doctor rubbed his hands together, in a stalling tactic, as he decided how best to start. Patrick moved him along:

"Just out with it Doc. I'm a big boy. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad, I still have my wife and children."

The doctor sat up straight and studied his patient. The man's right, he's already been through the worse in his life, and he's certainly shown his strength. He folded his arms and jumped right in.

"It's been six months since you were shot."

The doctor watches Patrick carefully, the man recoils as if he's been shot once more. His voice comes out barely a whisper:

"Six months."

The doctor nodded his head.

"Have I been in a coma?"

Patrick shook his head in answer to his own question.

"No, I'm not ill enough for that. I would have woken up surrounded by machines and tubes."

Patrick's eyes were all over the place as if the room itself would give him the answers. The doctor drew back his attention:

"Look at me Patrick. Listen carefully. You woke up from surgery, just like this afternoon, unable to remember anything for the past twenty years. As far as you were concerned you were still living in Malibu with Angela and Charlotte. Unlike today, your memories didn't return with hours, they were slowly returning. Once you were well enough to leave the hospital, you went home with Teresa, you had no memory of her, or your children, but through videos and photographs you accepted that they were your family."

Patrick's slowly shook his head.

"I don't remember any of this. Why don't I remember?"

"You went in to work today for the first time, just to look around. Something happened and all your memories returned of the death of Angela and Charlotte, and your mind was unable to cope and it went in shut down."

As Patrick absorbed the information. He'd slowly shifted further onto the bed, and sat against the pillows.

"Will I ever remember the past six months?"

"The mind is unpredictable but I doubt it."

Patrick gave a slight depreciating smile:

"I guess six months is nothing compared to twenty years."

"No it isn't."

Patrick shook his head, still not quite believing what he's heard.

"I need to see my wife, and my children."

They both looked to the door as it opened, an auxiliary worker entered with a tray of food. The doctor stood up.

"I'll let you eat, and I will call Teresa and let her know what's happened."

He smiled:

"I'm sure she'll be in right away. I will also start your release paperwork so you can go home together. Do you have any questions?"

Patrick lifted up the lid covering his plate and grimaced.

"A million of them, but there doesn't seem to be any answers."

He pointed to his plate:

"Is this really food?"

The doctor smiled:

"You'll find it tastes better than it looks."

Patrick lifted up the plate of suspected food and sniffed it as the doctor closed the door, Patrick's words floating after him.

"That's not going to be hard."

Cho arrives at the Jane's home to find Teresa and the children already strapped in their car waiting for him. He's dropped everything and came right over the moment he'd received Teresa's phone call. Teresa unfastens her seat belt and jumps out the car to greet him. She gives him a hug.

"Thanks Kimball for coming so quickly."

She feels a little embarrassed at the emotional display that he'd been party to on the phone. She'd called him immediately that Doctor Armitage had hung up and emotions were very close to the surface and impossible to control as she struggled to tell Cho the Doctor's news. Cho smiles reassuringly at her.

"It's fantastic news, he really remembers everything?"

Teresa nods, feeling the tears close to the surface once more.

"All but the last six months."

Cho nods towards the car:

"You're taking the children with you?"

"Yes, he wants to see them. I wondered if you would come with us and watch them, I…I want to spend some time alone with him first?"

"Of course."

Teresa smiles gratefully.

"Thank you, take your car as Patrick can come home with us."

"Let's get going."

On arrival at the hospital, Cho takes Maddy and a protesting Austin to the Cafeteria while Teresa goes up to the ward. Upon entering she sees Doctor Armitage at the nurse's station, he walks over to her smiling broadly. She can see him looking for the children

"The children are in the cafeteria with a friend, I thought it best I see him alone first."

The doctor nods his understanding.

"Are you ready Teresa?"

Butterflies are making a mess of her stomach, a combination of nerves and excitement. A part of her is unable to believe the news and expects to be disappointed when she enters the room. She turns towards the door and takes a deep breath before walking towards it. On the way she reprimands herself and metaphorically stands taller and opens the door purposefully, with no hesitation.

Patrick's standing by the bed, Teresa's drawn immediately to his eyes, and what she sees has her running in to his arms. There's no pain, no hesitancy, no fear, just recognition, excitement, humour, and love. The Patrick she'd thought she'd lost forever has returned to her.

As they cling to each other, Teresa revels in the familiarity of the feel of his body against hers. The 'Other Patrick', is that really the way to think of him, didn't hold her like this. When she feels him pull her even tighter to him and hears him comfort her, she realises that she's crying. To, at last, be inside his protective embrace, disarms her completely and she sobs against his chest.

When her emotions settle and she pulls away, she feels a touch embarrassed, which he reads straight away. He strokes her hair, leaving it when his hand arrives at her chin which he caresses with his thumb. Teresa's knees almost buckle under the tenderness and while a small smile plays on his lips his words belie his concern for her, his voice soft and choked with emotion:

"No need to be embarrassed, the past six months must have been awful for you. You must have felt so alone, I'm so sorry."

After remembering he was a husband, and a father, it was as if a dust sheet had been lifted from his mind and everything was there. Everything he'd been searching for. He'd tried hard to remember the missing time, but there was nothing. He'd tried to imagine what it must have been like, his mind skittering from one question to another. How had he acted? Had he hurt Maddy and Austin by not remembering them? How had it felt to lose Angela and Charlotte all over again? What memories had returned? How had it been for Teresa? The realisation of what she must have been through had driven him off the bed and searching for his clothes.

Teresa strokes his face, her eyes dancing with pure pleasure.

"There's nothing to apologise for."

She chokes out a laugh.

"For once it wasn't your doing that you were shot."

"I hope I haven't been a pain these past six months."

Teresa feels tears overwhelm her once more and they spill over on to her cheeks. She shakes her head, unable to speak. Patrick pulls her close and murmurs against her hair.

"It was wise leaving the kids, what would they think of their blubbering Mother?"

Teresa chokes another laugh against his chest. She pulls away and wipes at her eyes.

"I didn't leave them, they're in the cafeteria with Cho."

Patrick beams.

"Let's go see them."


	43. Chapter 43

Teresa can't stop staring at their hands as they make their way to the cafeteria. Her hand engulfed by Patrick's long slender fingers, his thumb gently stroking her skin. The long lost familiarity of it bringing her close to tears. She berates herself, she needs to get a grip before she sees the children. Patrick had quickly changed into the clothes she'd brought for him while she sent Cho a text to let him know to stay where he was as they were coming down. The paperwork for his release will be ready when they go back to pick up his things.

Through the window set in the cafeteria door they see that there are four tables occupied. Cho and the children are at a table on the right hand side. Cho has Maddie on his lap, who's feeding herself some grapes, Austin is sat next to him sucking chocolate milk through a straw.

As they enter, Austin looks up and spies them immediately, a whoop of joy escapes his lips and he almost falls off the chair in his excitement, causing Teresa's heart to leap, but he lands on two feet and they break into a run. Everyone looks his way and watch with smiles on their faces as his legs and arms move as fast as they can towards his father. Patrick drops on to one knee to welcome him in to his arms. He scoops him up and twirls him around, his arms holding him tight. Austin pushes away from him and looks at his face as Patrick smiles at him. Austin reaches up and places his hands on either side of his face and stares at him. Patrick gives Teresa a questioning glance and she shrugs in reply. Austin releases Patrick's face and moves to whisper in his ear.

"You're back."

He throws his arms around Patrick's neck and squeezes with all the strength that a five year old boy possesses and buries his head in his neck. Patrick looks at Teresa curiously and asks:

"Have I been somewhere?"

Teresa's blinking back tears.

"I'll explain later."

Austin's still curled against his father as they move towards Cho and Maddy. Patrick's stroking his back and reassuring him, that everything's fine, that they're all going home. Patrick sits down next to Maddy who moves towards him and with his freehand he helps her crawl on to his lap. He holds her around her waist and bounces her up and down. He turns to Cho.

"Hi Cho, thanks for looking after these two. How are things?"

Cho looks to Teresa a small smile on his lips before replying:

"I'm good Jane and it was a pleasure. It's good to see you doing okay."

"Thanks."

He looks towards Teresa.

"I would kill for a cup of tea."

She looks at him a little surprised.

"I can get you one if you want, but you don't usually like the tea here."

"I hate it. So what do you say we escape this joint and find a real cup."

He turns his head towards Austin.

"What do you say Buddy, you ready to go home?"

Austin finally releases his tight hold and looks to his father.

"Yea, let's leave this joint."

Teresa takes Maddy in her arms but she immediately squirms to be back with Patrick as he's standing up with Austin. He holds out his arm and Teresa hands her to him. She settles against his empty shoulder. Teresa turns to Cho and gives him a hug.

"Thank you Kimball."

Cho gives her a squeeze.

"No problem. He truly remembers."

Once again tears threaten and all she can do is nod against his shoulder and squeeze back. Patrick nods his thanks, and the family head back upstairs to sign the release papers.

Both kids are fast asleep by the time they stop the car in front of the house. Maddy doesn't stir as she's lifted out of her car seat and lain in her crib. Her shoes gently removed, pajamas will have to be forgotten tonight. Austin wakes up in a semi-conscious state, which allows him to be changed into his sleepwear and Patrick stays and reads him a story as he falls back to sleep, holding his daddy's hand. Jane tucks the hand under the covers and gives his son a kiss before turning to tiptoe out of the room.

Teresa smiles as her husband jumps, startled to find her standing in the doorway, she's finding that now he's truly returned to her, she can't stand having him out of her sight. She holds the mug she has in her hand out to him.

"Thought you might be desperate for a decent cup of tea."

He blesses her with a beaming smile and a kiss as he takes the cup from her and then replied with feeling:

"You read my mind."

She watches him take a sip and close his eyes as he savours his favourite liquid, allowing it to rest in his mouth before slowing releasing it to trickle down his throat. Teresa's eyes are drawn to his Adam's apple bopping as the liquid makes its way down flaring desires deep within her. Her fascination is such that she's taken by surprise when she feels his hand on her arm and his lips on her neck, as he plants soft kisses on all her susceptible spots, knowing he's sending tingles up and down her spine, she knows that he's read her mind and she readily and hungrily understands his reply.

What follows is the release of six months of desperate, aching, loneliness and grief from losing the man she loved and never expecting to have back.

When consciousness returns the memories of the day before and the night return, and she feels fear. Was it a dream? She's reluctant to open her eyes, scared she'll find herself alone.

"Finally, you're awake."

Teresa's eyes pop open immediately to the welcome sight of her husband, and she greets him with a smile, which she's certain will split her face in two. He's propped up, his head resting on one arm looking at her. His face is lit by the moon streaming through the light curtains that cover the window. She, then, realises it's still dark.

"What time is it?"

Her husband shrugs.

"About two-ish."

At that moment Teresa remembers the small sensation she felt fluttering across her skin, her sleep-drugged mind had thought it was a breeze, she now knows different and states accusingly:

"You woke me up."

Patrick shrugs again.

"I have questions.."

A wicked glint shines in his eyes.

"And last night you weren't in much of a mood to answer them."

Teresa pointedly ignores that statement.

"Questions?"

She watches as concern floods his face and a finger traces the evidence of her recent surgery.

"Yes, like how you got that scar, I've committed every inch of your body to my memory palace and it wasn't there before."

Teresa sits up and cups her husband's face in hers, stroking the worry lines across his brow.

"Let's go and have a drink and talk."

Teresa's sitting in the corner of the couch, on leg curled underneath her, the other out in front. She'd slipped on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. She smiles at her husband as Patrick hands her a mug of steaming coffee. He sits down in the opposite corner, lifting her foot and placing in his lap, his free hand gently grasping her ankle. He's dressed similarly, having pulled on some boxer shorts and a t-shirt. He takes a sip of his tea and looks at her expectantly.

Teresa tells him the salient points of the past six months: him waking up from surgery and not recognising her, he strokes her leg as she's unable to stop reliving the emotions. When he moves to be closer she begs him off, reassuring him that she's fine. She touches on their living arrangements before moving on to their trip to California.

He listens quietly as she talks about going to the CBI offices and the graves of his family. He knows there's a lot she missing out, but allows her to choose what she gives at this time,. He can see the emotional toll it's taking on her, not to mention, that, as desperately as he wants to know every detail, he realises that he can't cope with more than she's giving. It's hard to believe that this story is about him, not one word brings back any moments of recollection in thoughts or images. The finer points can come later when both of them are better able to handle them.

When she finally gets to explaining the scar, his heart feels like it stops with a thud. He'd been so close to losing them and not remembering a thing. He's holding her hand and rubbing her leg as she works through it, but he stands up abruptly, apologising when she relays the extent of Austin's injuries, and the agonizing wait for him to wake up. He kneels at his Austin's bedside, drinking in the angelic sight of his son fast asleep. He strokes his hair and whispers:

"I'm sorry, I should have been there for you."

He feels Teresa's arm wrap around his shoulder, she's crouching next to him.

"You were there Patrick. You were a great support to me and Austin and Maddy. You never left his side, Dispite the wear and tear the collision had on your body, you never left our sides. You were always with either me or Austin. You have nothing to recriminate yourself for."

She nudges him.

"Let's go to bed, we can talk more later."

**One week later**

"Austin don't go too far."

Austin comes to an abrupt halt and turns around, he shields his eyes from the sun with his hand.

"I won't mom."

He turns back around and starts his little legs running again. When he judges he's gone far enough he turns around. He waits for his family to catch up some before setting off again. Patrick and Teresa smile at him and Patrick whispers conspiratorially in her ear:

"I think we're suppose to pick up speed to join him."

Teresa laughs in agreement.

"Unfortunately this uneven ground will send the stroller and Maddy face down on the floor in seconds."

As they watch Austen's face drop in disappointment when he turns around once more and they're no closer to him, Patrick gives Teresa a kiss on the cheek and sets off to join him. Her son's face lights up with joy. Teresa picks up the pace just a little, easily done now that her husband's arm isn't around her waist. Patrick's reached Austin and he picks him up and swings him around. Austin leans back, his face to the sun, whooping with laughter. Patrick places him back on the ground and sets off at a slow jog, reaching back for Austin's hand. Austin grabs it and together they make their way to the play area, just a few yards further into the woods.

Teresa's knows she has a huge smile on her face. She hardly stopped smiling for the past week. This is the second day Patrick hasn't asked about the lost six months. It's been his main topic of conversation when they've been alone. It frustrated him that he couldn't remember, she patiently answered all his questions. Two evenings ago he surprised her with the news that Cho was babysitting and they were going out for a meal. He took her back to the place where the 'other Jane', as she's come to think of him, had booked a table and a room. Patrick parked the car and explained:

_"I owe you a dinner."_

_Her eyes sparkled at him._

_"Come to think of it you do."_

_After the waiter disappeared with their order Jane reached for her hand. As Teresa obliged, and she looked at him, there's no mistaking the feelings written on his face, a warm feeling surged through her body. When he looks at her like that, she knows she's the luckiest woman on the planet. He gently squeezed her hand._

_"I want to thank you for being so patient with me. I know it's been very hard for you to relive it all. I promise no more questions. You, on the other hand, can continue asking as many as you wish for as long as you want."_

_Teresa looked at him in surprise._

_"What question, I don't have any questions, I haven't asked you any!"_

_She checked herself._

_"Only if you're all right."_

_Patrick eyes were practically dancing with glee._

_"I knew you didn't realise you were doing it."_

_Teresa searched through her brain, trying to figure out what he's talking about. She was unsuccessful and chose to scowl at him._

_"I've not done anything."_

_He smiled indulgently at her and she suddenly had an urged to kick him under the table, but, it wasn't the place so she restrained herself and his smile grew wider as he read it._

_"Let me ask you a question."_

_He didn't wait for permission._

_"What did we talk about yesterday morning while Austin and I watched you dress Maddy?"_

_"We talked about when we first brought her home from the hospital."_

_Jane nodded his head._

_"And the day before over dinner."_

_Teresa had to think harder about this one. Patrick decided to be helpful._

_"Lamb chops."_

_"Oh yes, our first meal as a married couple."_

_"And then after I had read to Austin when he went to bed?"_

_Teresa looked at him blankly._

_"You quizzed me on Austin's favourite reading material."_

_Teresa objected:_

_"I didn't..I.. I just asked if you remembered.."_

_Teresa stopped as the light dawned._

_"I'm sorry, I've been.."_

_Patrick placed his finger on his lips._

_"Shhh..there's no need to apologise. I understand you needed know that I did indeed remember, that it wasn't an awful joke being played on you."_

_Teresa shook her head._

_"I've been such a nuisance."_

_Jane rushed to reassure her._

_"No you haven't. I've grilled you too, and caused you pain. It's been comforting for me to talk about the past. I just want to reassure you that I remember everything. I remember how we got my fumbling proposal, I remember Rigsby eating more than his fair share of wedding cake. I remember carrying you over the threshold of our new home and almost hitting your head."_

_He leaned over and wiped away a tear that had fallen on to her cheek. She grabbed his hand and brought it to her lips.[i]_

When she arrives at the playground Patrick and Austin are in the middle of a swinging contest. Both look and raise their hand in greeting. Maddy, right on cue, begins to stir. Teresa unstraps her from the stroller and joins them at the swings as Austin declares himself the winner. Patrick, true to form, calls for a rematch, Teresa sits on the remaining empty swing and cheers them on.


End file.
